The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  "Okay then, we'll see ya later!"

2  I overheard that comment yesterday morning at approximately 6:52 a.m. Garbage morning in these parts. I had gotten up pretty early and decided to turn all the Christmas lights on. 

3  Even though the parties were all over, I still wanted to do a couple things Christmassy. But I was also clean-centric. 

4  I was doing one of those deals where you go out to the garbage cans around six hundred times with individual items you forgot to bag.

5  And to me, I'd rather make the trip out than keep some bad-smelling stuff hanging around my sink, or even my garage, where I keep the cans.

6  I'm so anal that sometimes I freeze the garbage in our extra fridge in the garage.

7  So there I was, all silhouetted in my big ol' black shorts, taking one last real gander at our front-window Christmas display. It looked better than ever. And I couldn't help but glance down the street, where a van had its lights on.

8  "Okay then, we'll see you later."

9  And that was that.

10  Christmas, 2017. 

11  Tough Christmas. Lots of people seemed to be going through some really rough times. It's tough to list them here because I wish to respect everyone's privacy, but one thing did hold true through all of this: most people had a sense of this being a soulful Christmas. And even if it's bad, it's still soulfully good. 

12  So be merry. And now we begin to dismantle.

13  It's always so weird that New Year's is right down the street, getting set up by people who love wearing those New Year's glasses that have the New Year on them.

New Year's guy 2017. Last year's model.

New Year's guy 2005. Lennonesque.

New Year's glasses 2018. Faceless.

14  It's always been a bit gaudy to me. In my early days, I used to love blowing party horns and acting the fool.

15  And then I did the same thing in my later days. 

16  But somewhere in there...when does it happen??? Thirty? Forty? Somewhere, I began going to sleep on New Year's Eve right around 11 p.m. 

17  I'd watch all the hoopla on TV, and I'd see people cramming the streets in Chicago, New York, Detroit and yeah.

18  It NEVER had the same soul to me. 

19  And I was a Christmas Scrooge for years, and finally realized that much of Christmas IS the real deal. 

20  So feeling soulful isn't a bad thing.

21  I'd almost like New Year's to go away, but it's a cable car with screeching breaks. 

22  Like that?

23  Yeah, me neither. 

24  San Francisco kid. I was born there.

25  And I've always been proud of that.

26  AnywayZ...

27  I hear a garbage truck. That seems impossible since it is only 7:19 in the morning. This day is already ten times faster Christmas Day.

28  And that's when I wrote this. Yesterday. Tuesday. Even though today is Wednesday. 

29  You know why?

30  Ah, just because. 

31  Moving On, Part One: Sometimes when I write this stuff I cruise my folder of DN pics. I often copy/paste stuff if it looks like it would remain in keeping with the idiotic stylishness of this medium.

32  

33  Like that? "Medium."

34  Wasn't Christmas just a couple days ago?

35  I'm going to fish for a random DN pic. I have it in my mind's eye, but I don't know where it went. 

36  Hold on.

37  Hey. Found a few new ones. Why not? Here go:

38  Don't say I never did nuthin' for ya.

39  Jazzes it all up, doncha think?

40  I'm tellin' ya. 

41  It's out there.

42  That is all I have to say.

43  All you'll get from me is "Mum's the word!"

44  That's NEVER true.

45   Mum.

46  Moving On, Part Two: One of the funniest things I've seen in quite awhile on the social media happened on Christmas Eve. My good friend and former colleague Nicole Hermatz Devincenzi had ordered a cake from a local bakery and asked them to put Merry Christmas on it. I assume that whoever took the order asked her what it should say. If I know Nicole, she probably said words to the effect of, "Merry Christmas, with decor under it." She might have even wiggled her fingers to emphasize a little decor.  I mean she just wanted to get a cake and get out, like you do at a bakery.

47  Here is a picture of the cake right after she opened the box:

This made my entire day!

48  One of thousands of memories that happen this time of the year. That story will be handed down to future generations, all of whom should enjoy a hearty laugh. 

49  And so this is Wednesday.

50  I got Beatled out at Christmas. 

51  Amid all the wrapper paper and fun with family and all, I got a gift that knocked me out. 

52  I got this:

53

I got this. Thanks, Helene. 

LOOOVED it!!!

54  I always felt that Help! was brilliant, one of those movies that if you listen to the backstory, it painted itself. All of the added features and backstories ensure a lovely coloring of one of the wittiest and enjoyable films of all time. It is officially a classic. 

55  I got that and a lot more this Christmas.

56  Today, ladies and gents, is officially the day for you to sneak off, return a few items, and get yourself a gift for YOU. Most of you have earned it, some haven't, but you go around only once.

57  Spoil yourself. Indulge. It's the moment.

58   'Tis still the season, for one more day. Indulge. 

60  I gottago.

61  Have a GREAT day.

62  We'll see you again.

63  And as always:

64  Live life.

65  Love life.

66  Peace.

~H~

fin.

The real deal.

The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  I became a born-again Scrooge the other day.

2   What this means is I USED to be a hardcore Scrooge, but softened as soon as Li'l Grandbeebeez started pokin' around.

3  Then this Christmas season began. I pinpointed the advent of this year's Christmas as early July. I remember seeing all sorts of Christmas-in-July sales while vacationing in Tahoe this summer. 

Lovin' the Berkies, yo. 

4  It's different now. A lot more fun, although I did fall off the recovering-Scrooge wagon on Sunday. 

5  I was semi-watching the teevee and somewhat enjoying a mini-party that turned into a Christmas party and feast. We had a GO NINERS!!! theme and it turned out the team didn't disappoint. 

6  Lots of laughs for a throw-together party. The only thing that drove me nuts was this commercial for Uncle Ben's rice.
For a brief moment, I once again morphed into a Scrooge. 

7  It wasn't a bad commercial. The theme was positive. It was a part of the Uncle Ben's Life Lesson campaign.

8  Okay.

9  It is essentially a cartoon. It is clearly influenced by modern cartoons that turn preachy: 

Uh...oops! Ladeez and Gentlemen:

Carl Fredricksen and...

10  Er...other preachy folks. 

11  Is there a back door outta here? 

12  Why, it's amazing. Listen:

13  The commercial begins with a Dad guiding his small son down the street with what looks like a bike that no longer has training wheels. A really lousy cover version of Peter Frampton's Show Me the Way is playing. The kid singing has absolutely no sense of soul. He sings, "I want you...to show me the way." It is arguably the worst cover of any rock song in history. Bar none. Still, both Dad and son appear elated.

14  The scene swiftly shifts to a poolside, where Dad is sitting in a large chaise reading what looks like a newspaper, and the son in a smaller chaise reading the colorful insert of ads from the newspaper. The annoying cover version of Frampton's anthem continues, now with light and angelic backing vocals. You almost have to look up in order to see what the heck is going on.

15  Fast cut to Dad and son brushing their teeth, Dad on the left, son on the right. And this: "I want you, to show me the way."

16  Another quick cut to a couch, where both Dad and son are seen crunching on salty potato chips. They have the same exact expression on their faces. Whatever is on the television owns both. Dad has a large bag of potato chips. Son has a smaller bag. They are metaphorical zombies to the tube. 

17  It finally dawns on Dad that something is WAY wrong. He zooms in on his son almost hypnotized by whatever drama is coming off the television. He sees only the word "Potato" on the chip bag because his son's hand is covering up the word "Chips."

18  Not rocket science. Dad looks on the back of the box and reads the ingredients.

19  He decides that his son will not become a couch potato. 

20  The Peter Frampton song continues, but it STILL isn't Peter Frampton singing. The kid singing continues to annihilate the tune. He does jazz it up at this point by singing, "Oh, won't you, show me the way." 

21  But nobody watches the commercial. That's the weird part. You just hear this kid butchering a rock anthem. 

22  Each time I hear this commercial, I want to scream. I go crazy. And because WE are in a room as a group zoning out on a football game, it is a minor gadfly.

23  A gadfly disguised as a "Life Lesson."

24  The "Oh won't, you" cue evidently puts Dad and son in their kitchen. Gone are the chips. Cut to Dad, standing before a cutting board on which there is a healthy amount of broccoli and red cabbage, and a bowl containing carrots with green stalks and yellow peppers. Directly next to those items is a large box of Uncle Ben's rice, with a picture of a huge bowl of rice that lines up almost perfectly with the vegetable bowl. 

25  Dad tosses the bowl of vegetables into a pot on the stove as a narrator chimes in, "You have a big influence on your kids. So teach them the Life's Lesson of cooking." 

26  At this point, both Dad and Son give a "high one" with oven mitts. 

27  The narrator continues: "Join the Ben's Beginner's  movement at UncleBens.com."

Close-up on my old pal Uncle Ben. Love that guy. 

28  The commercial ends here abruptly. 

29  

30  Sidenote: Is it just me, or does Uncle Ben look like he might be Obama's uncle when Obama was a kid?

31  Anyway, how does all of this nonsense make me a Scrooge? 

32  I'm not sure. It is certainly a nice life lesson. Kids DO emulate their parents. 

33  It looks like a good cause. 

34  And my love of Uncle Ben dates back to my earliest remembering years. Rice was always my favorite food. I was particularly fond of Uncle Ben's Original, before the Quinoa movement hit. 

35  So I've nothing against the Uncle Ben's people, nor do I disparage their fine products.

36  And yet, every single time that commercial comes on, I'm usually in mixed company watching football or something, and I will interrupt ANY conversation to point out how horribly that kid sings the song. 

37  The Uncle Ben's people couldn't find a kid with a bit more soul? I've seen five-year-olds on Facebook slashing guitar riffs I could only dream of playing. 

38  So I have become a Scrooge once again, only it is every time I hear that commercial. I want to run screaming somewhere. With all my own problems, you'd think this would be minor. 

39  But why THAT kid, and THAT version? I don't even like Peter Frampton that much. But he is sure a lot better than the little fellow ruining his song.

40  

41  That's all I have to say.

42  Oh, and that I will always prefer Alastair Sim over every other Scrooge around. 

43  But that's just me. 

44  I'm so old-fashioned that I have become new-fashioned.

45  AnywayZ...

46  That's about all I have to give this fine day.

47 Call a lawyer and sue me, sue me.

48  Shoot bullets through me.

49  I love you.

50  Gottago.

52  Need some Beebee pics?

53  Why yes.

54  Well then here:

Li'l Isla Bean

Li'l Jack

Li'l Maren

54  'Nuff said.

55   Gottago.

56  Have a GREAT day.

57  And from this old Scrooge to you:

58  Live life.

59  Love life.

60  Peace.

fin.