The DN

LET'S GO OAKLAND!!!!!

1  First things first: That'll teach ME to write the tackiest DN of the year yesterday.

2   I went to all the trouble of explaining about the DN, and the birthday party, and Dr. Robert and all the rest, and then forgot to post the Goof proper on one of my Facebooks.

3   

4   Oh I have several because I am CIA, and Illumi-knotty. 

5   Code name Cabal, Goof Ops. 

6    I slay 'em at Langley.

7    Anybody lookin'?

8    I even have CIA stationery.

9    It's ineffective. 

10  Nobody believes me.

11  Not one person.

12  <twisting sinister mustachio><uber French accent: Pehfect desguize>

13   Anybody lookin'?

14   

15   

16   

17   Ah, meh. It's a livin'.

18   Moving On, Part One: Yesterday I read an essay by a student claiming diets and health foods are a sham, and that eating lots of chocolate and sugar is good for you.

19  She made some excellent points. She said people who diet are starved at the end of the day and wind up under-eating, and eventually caving. 

20  She also said that the more carbs, the better. 

21  She had no citations whatsoever, but if she's right, I'm all for it. Here's a pic of her:

22  

23  How do you even begin to grade something like that?

24  I'm pretty sure she works for the Man. 

25  Loony.

26   So much of the world is. 

27   fsdafsdafsdfsd.

28   Moving On, Part Two: It's last night and I'm staring down the barrel of around a bazillion essays. 

29  I spent around fifteen or sixteen hours this past weekend grading stuff.

30  "Don't assign anything."

31

32   I KNOW. I KNOW.

33   I slept nine hours last night and I'm still too exhausted to read more than around three. 

34  When we read our eyes travel down. After a long day, they go out if you HAVE to read a lot.

35   They REALLY go out if the stuff is not edited.

36   The majority of students don't edit, at least this early in the year. 

37   I tell them, "You need to show me a rough draft."

38   They write an email. "Dear Mr. H, I never right rough drafts. I edit it it as I go."

39   Seesly?

40   I edit this nonsense around sixty times each night and STILL find Gauling errors. 

41

42   It's French. 

43   I'm workin' a theme. Get off me. 

44   Anybody lookin'?

45   Ah meh. 

46   I have an entire sun room designed for grading stuff, but it's all the way across the house. 

47   In my house that's around fifteen feet or so. 

48   My house is so small I need to go out back to change my mind.

49   

50   I'll never do that again. <mouthing the words> EV-er.

51   Anybody lookin'?

52   No but SERIOUSLY.

53   I gottago. I wound up grading only three students last night. Contrast to the twenty I finished over the weekend. 

54   I'll try to get more rest or this stuff will never finish. 

55   Wish I could give you more this morning. 

55   Go Dennis Allen. Far. 

56   Go A's. They got Lester goin'. Let's go Oakland!!!!!

57    I'll be watching and cheering.

58    Right now I REALLY gottago.

59    See you again.

60    Peace.

~H~

The DN

WHO GOT ISSUES?

These guys for certain.

Pillory Clinton.

These idiots.

1  Any promises I made prior to this morning are off.

2  Anybody lookin'?

3  I'm reeling.

4  Went to a GREAT birthday party Saturday night. It was for this guy who has a HUGE crush on Amy G. AND was photographed with her in the Giants' dugout.

5  Listen mysterious pal: you can run but you can't hide. 

6  Party of the year. 

7   I hallucinated that my Dad AND my Aunt Tag were there holding court. 

8   AND...

9   A huge party arrived with some of the best people I know...

10  AND...

11  Suddenly Ponch showed up and we parked it next to a Keggerator, but we used it only for leaning. 

12  We leaned a lot. 

13   

14  I meant "learned a lot"; it just got away from me.

15   

16  Oh what, are you crazy?

17  We talked shop.<to the rhythm of a Conga line> 

18  We leaned a lot and we talked shop <cha cha cha> and we LEANED a lot: we talked shop!

19   <music stops><rhythm clearly off>

20   Disclaimer #hashtagone: this is only an hallucination people. It results from the morning after the night before. 

21   We never touched a drop.

22   Seesly.

23   On the level: great fun.

24   I would identify publicly the party throwers, but they are hilarious, and pranksters, and pretty mischievous.

25   You know how some people are Freemasons?

26   Same sorta thing. 

27   Secret handshakes and stuff.

28   Only we are all more slick.

29   We were Facebook before that Zuke guy was born. "We" includes a select group at the birthday party. 

30   I'm well thinking of suing that fellow for plagiarism. 

31   "We" existed as a nexus of intelligent people who formed a club designed specifically for goofing off at work. 

32   We stood and still stand as the immortal GOC: The Goof-Off Club. 

33    And a sort of nexus DID occur, because the only person we hadn't met as far as I know is this fellow I shall define only as "Dr. Robert."

34  He was a major member of the GOC, and is an actual doctor. 

35   The GOC consisted of some amazingly hilarious people. Our modus operandi was for me to send out a daily goof: a question, a command, or any sort of morning prompt which meant you had to come up with ten answers, all of which must take you off your job for a bit, and seek to bring people to tears of laughter Right Under the Boss's Nose (RUTBN).  

36   Here is a typical goof: Who got issues?

37   You HAD to answer before the end of the work day, and you had to come up with ten answers AND any stated reasons. 

38   Well, you didn't HAVE to do anything; that was the point of the club. 'Murica. 

39   Pretty wily. 

40   It began with mainly family but later branched to friends. So we knew people online and goofed with people who were friends of friends, but whom we never met. Over the years we would meet in Tahoe and laugh our butts off for two straight weeks 

41   Until Saturday night Ponch and I had never met the  mysterious Dr. Robert. We knew him for a few years as a card-carrying goof but never met him in the flesh. 

42   We finally met Dr. Robert at the aforementioned party on Saturday night. 

43  A meeting of the minds. Look forward to more. I'll give you a sample of how a goof unfolds:

44  Good morning, my goofy friends. Today should be pretty poopy being a Monday and all, so I've something on which we can all goof: Who got issues?

Cabal

For the record Cabal is my code name. Don't tell anyone. 

Here go: Who got Issues?

10  Richard Simmons.

9    Man George. No pictures, please.

8    Any Kardashian.

7    Amy G.

6    Derek Carr. Two issues this fine morn. Each knee.

5    Any Harbaugh.

4    Pence, only because I assume he was called "Under Pants" his entire childhood. 

3    Crows.

2    Richard Sherman. How you gonna tell me?

1    Bob Melvin. Tough to go through childhood with a last name like that. Can't even imagine.

45   That is the basic anatomy of a goof. It's just that if you have ten people doing this and it comes at you throughout the day, you spend MUCH more time with friends and family than you do workin'.  AND you MAY here over a hundred items. It's money. 

46   And you might just make hot oatmeal shoot through unsuspecting/but expecting noses.

47   You do this for God and country. 

48  And to ensure the longevity of the oatmeal biz.

49   I gottago.

50   It's Monday.

51   Fly low.

52   Goof off today. Whoever you're giving all your time to doesn't deserve it. You know it; I know it. 

53   It's catchy. 

54   I do gottago.

55   See you again.

56   Peace.

~H~

The DN

1   Yup, that was my school in the news. How sad. 

San Jose: Alert neighbor helps police catch teen burglary suspects

09/25/2014 03:00 PM PDT - The eagle eye and quick instincts of an Evergreen neighborhood watch member helped lead to the arrest of three teens suspected of burglarizing a home during school hours Wednesday, and police hope her example is emulated in the battle to curb property crimes in the city.  

2   Here's the story as it came in to the school yesterday:

Good Afternoon,

At approximately 3:10 p.m. we received a notification that a burglary was in progress on Vintage Crest, the street that borders EVHS on our south side. We began closing off access point to that street on our campus and started redirecting the students away from the area. Moments later our SJPD officer received word from the district sergeant that all after school activities & practices should be cancelled (and students sent home) but that the school should not lock down or shelter in place. SJPD set up a perimeter, brought in a helicopter and dogs, and began searching homes and yards. 

At no point was EV in any danger and at least 15 police officers, police dogs, and a helicopter were part of the perimeter. Three suspects were arrested and in custody-these individuals may have been part of the rash of burglaries that has hit the Evergreen area recently.

A major thank you to all teachers and staff who assisted clearing campus: Mr. Hanson, who helped redirect students away from Vintage Crest, Amanda and Christina our SSS intern, Rafa & Francisco and everyone else who helped the process go smoothly. 

Thanks, and enjoy your evening. 

Kyle

3  Thank God nobody was hurt.

4   What was weird was going out to the parking lot. They had just announced loud and clear to evac. Helicopters flew overhead, sirens went off everywhere, and people remained standing and chatting. I told them, "Dudes. There are choppers and sirens. This stuff is real. Go Home."

5   Not judging mind you. I think it is pretty human not to think something huge is going down, especially right after school when people calm down, chat with friends, and chill. 

6  I get that.

7   Plus we are trained to stay calm in most emergencies. Our District does a good job preparing us for most large events. One of the keys is that we have a need to stay calm and to keep students calm and feeling they are in good hands. 

8   We might very well have been TOO well-trained. I stayed calm, as did most staff, but we know how to relax our shoulders and not panic. 

9   Hard to put in words, but we know that at any point on any day we need to know what to do. 

10  My brain works much better during such moments. My experience with school activities also trained me to remain on my toes. 

11  I used to stand pretty close to the police, because those guys and gals are often amazing. Contrary to popular opinion, a lot of police officers are professional and good. 

12  Sorry.

13  I didn't mean to go this far on the break-ins, but this story is ongoing.

14   Always tough on the good ol' DN.

15   I'm not really a good reporter. I like writing, and I use this stuff to practice. 

16  I am not trained to do live news, which is still happening as I write.

17 Anyway, I don't know that this story is going to go much further.

18  I think it is safe to move on.

19  Moving On, Part One: More rain to come. News at 11.

20  Scattered showers.

21  Do I care?

22  Of course! It's wonderful the rain.

23   Giants clinched a wild card. AND they won, so I guess I scooped the Merc News on that one. They didn't have the score when I picked the paper up this morning. 

24   Moving On, Part Two: I guess I need to comment on Jeter getting his day. Say what you will, I've always liked him. 

25    He's not the most amazing player in history, nor is he the best Yankee ever, but he was always a class act to me, sort of like Buster.

26   Not to be mistaken for my daughter Caitlin's cat, although he too is a class act. 

27   Nor is he not to be mistaken for Caitlin's other cat, Posey.

28   She is a doll.

29   Cool cats. 

30   I'm sitting here fouling off pitches.

31   The Giants are in the wild card.

32   Not a lot of teams can say that.

33   I retract any bad things I have said about them.

34   Am I hyocritical?

35   Who ain't? 

36   Anybody lookin'?

37   AnywayZ

38   The Giants seem to have some sort of odd ability to get where they need to get. 

39   Do they have the physical ability to get it done? That is a rhetorical question. And now, on to all things English:

40   Notice I held off the newspeak word "physicality" in the previous item. I'm getting irritated with the way our language gets abused. 

41   Rudolf Flesch must be turning in his grave. 

42   Jabberwocky runs amok. 

43   The other day I was asked to comment on if I had "connectedness" with any of my students. 

44   Four teachers mumbled things like, "Is that even a word?" "What the hell is that?" Spell check even underlined it just now.

45   Giving due respect to our Admin, I think someone planted that one on them. For the record, it IS a noun.

46   Flesch was a grammarian who hated big words. He would have told me to use "hated" instead of "despised." The guy stood as a clarity saint.

47   I can hear him now: "Did you mean to ask, 'Do you have a connection with any of your students?' "

48   Just sayin'.

49   "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? Norwegians learn Norwegian; the Greeks have taught their Greek."
                                                  --Henry Higgins

50   Again, not really criticizing because newspeak is pandemic in the working world. 

51   As my daughter Caitlin used to say as a child, "It makes me have a headache!"

52   Yeesh.

53   I gottago. 

54   I have to get over to Home Depot and buy a huge broom so that I can scoot down to the beach and rid the shores of sand. 

55   Have a GREAT weekend.

54   Stay safe.

55   See you again.

56   Peace.

~H~

fin.

The DN

1  All right. Enough about baseball. I wrote twenty items before the game started and predicted that the Dodgers would demolish the Giants. Kershaw/Hudson. It was a no-brainer. I zapped all twenty this morning. Tough stuff. 

2   Ah, it is what it is, and it will be what it will be. Kershaw is beyond extraordinary. As Bruce Bochy said, "I don't know if there's a more deserving MVP. These are 'stupid' numbers he's putting up." I credit Alex Pavlovic of the Merc News with coming up with that quote. I couldn't stay to watch. 

3   I must say the Giants have fought back at every turn all year. I continue to believe, but yeesh. 

4   Don't get mad...

5   Moving On, Part One: It's raining! Not a downpour but I walked out to get the paper this morning, felt the rain hit my neck, and said, "What the hell's THAT?"

6   Been awhile.

7   Pretty refreshing, all in all. 

8   Good times.

9   Even though it's the third day of Autumn, I have Spring fever already.

10  And yes, it IS okay to capitalize Autumn and Spring if you wish. It looks wussy if you don't. IMHO.

11  That's "In my humble opinion."

12  By Spring fever I mean I am ready to give everything that clutters my life the heave-ho. I went through my classroom with a sandblaster yesterday and threw away everything on and around my desk, and then proceeded to throw away almost the entire room. 

13   This morning I threw a bunch of clothes into a Goodwill bag and threw it in the garbage.

14   I don't know too many people who need soiled, ripped shirts. I don't need to trip over that bag of clothes for the next six months. 

15   Gone.

16    I swear. 

17    Ever bump into around three things in succession and then yell the "s" word at the heavens?

18   That's me this week. 

19   I hope to dump about sixty thousand shirts the second I'm done writing this nonsense.

20   You know you need to clear your closet when every time you go in there fifteen hangers fly at you, and your pants slide off three or four more.

21   "Maybe you could have a yard sale and make some money?"

22

23   I'm a grumpy teacher. I haven't time to be polite to strangers. 

24   Bleh.

25   Anybody lookin'?

26

27   Nah, I'm chill.

28   Just kidding.

29   I DID give my classroom a complete makeover though. 

30   Got rid of large items. 

31   I wasn't the only one doing it. 

32   Back-to-School Night does that to a person. It's like you're having company and suddenly need to re-vamp your entire house. 

33   It was tough doing it, but I did. The halls had a lot of old stuff in them. 

34   I talked with our amazing custodian Francisco yesterday afternoon, and he told me that all sorts of stuff is moving from one building to another. Different teachers need things, and old teachers want to dump everything but three pencils and a staple remover. 

35   AnywayZ...

36    It's anyway. No "s" and clearly no capital Z.

37    Grump, grump, grump.

38    Ah, I gottago.

39    I spent my morning throwing junk out. 

40    I throwing this junk out to anybody reading it.

41    I'm not really grumpy at all, just in a bit of a hurry.

42    Gottago early here. 

43    See you again. Enjoy the rain!

44    Peace.

~H~

The DN

1   Just flew in from Back-to-School Night and boy...

2   

3   Lonnnnnng day, GREAT night!

4   Every year I stress about BTSN and every year I find it thoroughly exhilarating. 

5   I haven't stopped working on this project for two weeks, and it all paid off.

6   It requires a LOT of set design. 

7   If you read yesterday's news, you might know that this particular BTSN coincided with grades being due.

8   No pressure.

9   AND...

10  With constant battles with machines.

11  Okay. 

12  I get that the great Charlie Chaplin was ahead of the entire world when it came to Man vs. Inanimate objects. 

13  That was, to me what made Chaplin one of a kind. 

14  The concept is simple: Whoever rules the universe LOVES to throw inanimate objects our way, just to see if we can deal with them. 

15   According to the Book of Chaplin, we inevitably lose.

16   Here are a few examples: After I worked on the sign-in sheets for BTSN, I decided it might be a good idea to go to the break room, throw the copies on the copier and grab the salad I put in the fridge.

17   <basketball buzzer>

18   I got to the door of my classroom, realized I needed to bring some paper for copying, needed to bring some water for when I would find and eat the salad, and THEN move to the break room.

19   <second basketball buzzer>

20   I grabbed the paper from a convenient ream, placed the paper in my left hand and the water in my right. 

21   Here's what happened:

22   The top of the water bottle popped off and the water drenched my original copies. 

23   SO Salvadore Dali.

24   It spilled the rest on all my sign-in sheets. 

25   They drooped. 

25    You can't allow them to droop. 

26    I instantly took action.

27   I made new sign-in sheets and threw the old ones into the recycle bin. 

28   After that I dashed to the break room with the new sign-in sheets, ready to run them, get my Cafe Salad out of the fridge, eat, dash back upstairs, splash my face with water, and finish organizing the room.

29   <basketball buzzer>

30  I reached the usually empty break room when the door swung open. Tons of Leadership kids had just pumped themselves up for the evening's duties. They marched directly out the door; some stayed. I turned on my pliant cane and ran back up the stairs and into my classroom. 

31   I decided to re-group. I still had to make the sign-in sheets, but let my personal printer do it. Much easier. No salad, but I got on that one.

32  I realized I didn't have a name sign outside my room. Got on the puter, found a Cougar logo and made the sign. 

33  I'm not really crafty. I build big stuff, but hanging things straight was never one of my strengths. 

34  But I let my A+ students take over. How would THEY do this? They would slow down, line things up, and put two-sided tape on each corner of the paper.

35  I'm trying my best to get this perfect. I put the tape on three corners, but my hand nudged, so the fourth piece of tape peeked over the top.

36  My A+ students would not have done that. I crumpled it up, shot it into the recycle bucket and ran another. I worried that my color ink would run out, but it didn't.

37  This time I looked like a surgeon, meticulously lining up each corner of the paper with the tape. 

38  Got it. 

39   I went outside my room, lined it up precisely and stood back. 

40   Perfect.

41   Except for the wrong room number.

42

43   "Are ya KIDDIN' meeeee?" I remarked. I looked around and noticed a parent hanging out down the hall. 

44   I moved back inside, corrected that one, and broke into a smile. "At least that one is done." I thought. 

45   The clock ticked. I dashed back to the break room, figuring the students were now out and doing their duties. 

46   I looked into the window of the break room and saw they had dashed. 

47   I got in, and WAY carefully grabbed the salad. It was one of those ones that has some stuff upside down and some right-side up. It is designed to spill all over the place. You may have had the pleasure. 

48  I went Zen. I microscoped. It had some sort of pepper in the dressing and looked delish. I challenged the fates, took it all apart, ate neatly and chucked the remaining lettuce into a nearby trash can.

49   The clock ticked. 

50   I ran back upstairs, got in my room, grabbed a water and headed back to the bathroom to splash my face AND to check my teeth for runaway pepper. 

51   I found one. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I quickly gargled the water, but the bloody thing refused to cut loose. I took my fingernail and nudged at it.

52   My gums didn't like it and began bleeding. 

53   "Omigod I'm going to look like Dracula!" It became Draconian. Heck, I felt like Draco. 

54   I got back to my room and realized I have no mirror. 

55   The older I get the more I despise mirrors. They are a necessary evil, granted, but still. 

56   No mirror. 

57   I grabbed my phone, turned on the camera and pushed the selfie button. Is there anything more terrifying?

58   I smiled, but it was fake. Teeth looked fine. All was good.

59  I remembered the sign-in sheets, and that I hadn't put the periods on them. I color code the periods so they are easy to find, but realized I didn't have the right color pens, and the others were behind the sliding white board, which I was using to display some of the magazines the students designed. I didn't want to touch them because they looked amazing. 

60  Things were just about to start. The bell rang. The Principal's voice boomed, "Good evening, my name is..."

61   Our first class of the school day is my prep period, so I relaxed a bit. The only thing I had left to do was pop the class periods onto the sign-in sheets. 

62  I needed the pens. I went through all of my drawers, bags and cubbies. 

63  I rememeber I had tossed my back pack behind me and in front of the Cathedral window behind my desk. SURELY there would be markers in there. I unzipped it, plunged my hands and felt something in a baggie. I pulled it out. 

64  It was some sort of food that had been in there for a while. It was in the stage of turning and tossed a puff of "Toss me out now!" I opened the door to go into the hallway, looked to my immediate left and the garbage can near my room had disappeared. Another look of horror. The other one was around a hundred yards away, and we already had people walking the halls looking for classrooms. 

65  I pretended that I didn't have this soggy thing in my hand and asked the parents if they needed any help. I directed them where to go. The second they were gone I turned and slam-dunked the concoction into the trash. 

66   Dashed back to my room, looking in on how other teachers were doing. Not many parents. Got in the room, doused my hand with sanitizer, AGAIN went into the bathroom and scrubbed myself like a hospital intern. 

67  Ran back to my room, found some pens, and wrote all the class periods on the sheets when the bell rang for my night to begin. Our talks were much shorter than I had prepped, but I was cool with it. 

68  Everything went wonderfully; I made a few minor errors, but my room filled up every period. It rocked meeting all of my students' families.

69  At the end of the night, Lauren, our Principal came on the loudspeaker saying good-night, and said, "And let's give the teachers a break; they want to get home!"

70  Class act.

71  Gottago. 

72   See you again.

73   Peace.

~H~

fin.