The Once-in-a-While
Daily News
1 Thought long and hard the other day about changing the way we share and exchange gifts at Christmas.
2 I thought, "Why don't we just get $160 cash and buy ourselves a bunch of stuff we want?" The rules could be pretty easy.
3 At Christmas, you wrap your own presents and cart them wherever you are going to share, and then take turns showing everyone all the cool stuff you got for yourself.
4 This is so much better than having someone eagerly watching you open the "Christmas Goose-Baking Kit" they got for you.
5
6 They have those. Pretty sure. SOMEONE has those.
7 Let me Amazon it.
8 I officially declare the word "Amazon" a verb.
9 Anybody lookin'?
10 Too soon to dynamite Christmas?
11 Here go:
The inimitable Mary Berry.
12 Okay, so I lied. Sue me. No one has yet produced a Christmas Goose-Baking Kit. Darn. I DID get a picture of the person who could probably show you how to put together a Christmas Goose-Baking Kit. Her name is Mary Berry, and frankly, I never heard of her until yesterday.
13 But from now on, you can always have a Berry Mary Christmas.
14 Hell, you could probably write her, because she knows how to do all sorts of crafty things.
15 She's the gift that keeps on giving. Unfortunately, I don't think I'd like her.
16 She looks too much like a Cowboy fan. Niner fans don't like Cowboy fans, although I do like the Cowboy fans that I like. What a hypocrite, right?
17 But if you want to goose it next Christmas, Mary is your gal. At least from my frabjous perspective.
18 She's relaxed. I like that.
19 I got deadlines. I'm never relaxed.
20 I don't want to have to fire myself, so I'd better keep this fire burning this fine day.
21 So whatdya think? I'll throw another yule log on this Christmas restructuring idea.
22 You get yourself stuff for Christmas. Here is an example of how I would have done it this year.
23 I would have gotten myself fourteen or fifteen of those star laser Christmas-laser gadgets and used them correctly.
23 I put one in my kitchen/dining room area this year, and it amazed the babies.
24 Placement was important because when I first bought one, I put it next to the coffee pot. I'm pretty sure it burned a hole through both eyes. It hit my eyes and blinked with my shadow while I poured the coffee.
25 I now know what a psychedelic experience is.
26 I never wanted to experiment with anything artificial like that, but that laser beam, I'm tellin' ya.
Dude. They're LASERS.
27 Every white dog I see walking around town now looks like a dalmatian. I've seen hundreds this season.
28 Well, to be more specific, a hundred-and-one.
29
30
31
32 Seriously.
33 Let's think of a few more examples of how you could pamper yourself in the Age of Self.
34 I'd get myself three pairs of shoes that are for comfort only. They could look hideous, but if they cushion my big self just right, they would be worth their weight in gold. Check out Disney's Pete's kicks:
35 If I had Pete's feet, and I found those shoes, I'd buy a ton of 'em, and give them to myself at Christmas.
36 I'd also buy a bunch of old-movie TCM DVD's, even though I already have hundreds. I always figure I've seen all that can be seen, but each day I realize that I really haven't. So yeah. I might even buy a couple of used DVD players, since every one I've ever bought seems to have issues. I'd get myself that, and a garage to put them all in.
36 I'd also buy a bunch of old-movie TCM DVD's, even though I already have hundreds. I always figure I've seen all that can be seen, but each day I realize that I really haven't. So yeah. I might even buy a couple of used DVD players, since every one I've ever bought seems to have issues. I'd get myself that, and a garage to put them all in.
37 Moving On, Part One: Ah, the Age of Self. You gots to love it!
38 It's everywhere. Yesterday I watched the new Sesame Street, and the characters did a segment on Selfies.
39 Sesame Street!
40 Elmo took one. Here is an Elmo Selfie, for your viewing pleasure:
41 Pretty fun.
42 They did a great little segment on the parts of the face. I loved it because I've had fun teaching the babies the parts of face.
43 It's much more fun than teaching the Parts of Speech, I'm tellin' ya.
44 Moving On, Part Two: I enjoyed going around and having parties the past few days. Enjoyed music, family, and good friends wherever I would land. Inevitably, people ask me how I enjoy retirement. My pat answer was and is always this: "Well, it's well named. I get up in the morning, and I'm tired. Later in the day, I am re-tired. It's a lovely circle."
45 Sesame Street is STILL on, and they are singing a jingle that is clearly Jingle Bells, only they substituted the word "nose" for every word in the song.
46 At last I can sing the second AND third verse of Jingle Bells without screwing up.
47 This brings great joy to this Old Brown Shoe, a handle I copped from the Beatles.
48 Music, family, and good friends. Nothing better. Well, pissing off Grammarly is a distant fourth-place.
49 Moving On, Part Three: I love to piss off Grammarly. They are a smug group. They keep count of how many times I have butchered the language AND then they send me emails with my error-count attached.
50 I remember when one could edit one's own atrocities.
51 It's sort of like having a grammar R2D2 whistling and all.
52 The girls have this little R2D2 that makes spot-on noises, but they last only five seconds. You squeeze his stomach and he emits R2 noises. I love squeezing him, and then pushing him on his back when he stops. He looks pretty much like this:
53 When you do the G-Pa bit, you acquire favorite toys.
54 I love that little R-2, just as long as he doesn't try to correct my grammar.
55 Yeesh.
56 I thought of doing a segment on New Year's Resolutions.
57 Don't have any. Don't buy green bananas either.
58 So.
60 Think I'll try to high-tail it outta here. Just thought I'd throw a chuckle or two your way.
61 Probably failed miserably.
62 Anyhow, hope you get through the rest of the Holla Daze reasonably undazed and confused.
63 Gottago.
64 See you again.
65 Live life.
66 Love life.
67 Peace.
38 It's everywhere. Yesterday I watched the new Sesame Street, and the characters did a segment on Selfies.
39 Sesame Street!
40 Elmo took one. Here is an Elmo Selfie, for your viewing pleasure:
Welcome to Elmo's World.
42 They did a great little segment on the parts of the face. I loved it because I've had fun teaching the babies the parts of face.
43 It's much more fun than teaching the Parts of Speech, I'm tellin' ya.
44 Moving On, Part Two: I enjoyed going around and having parties the past few days. Enjoyed music, family, and good friends wherever I would land. Inevitably, people ask me how I enjoy retirement. My pat answer was and is always this: "Well, it's well named. I get up in the morning, and I'm tired. Later in the day, I am re-tired. It's a lovely circle."
45 Sesame Street is STILL on, and they are singing a jingle that is clearly Jingle Bells, only they substituted the word "nose" for every word in the song.
46 At last I can sing the second AND third verse of Jingle Bells without screwing up.
47 This brings great joy to this Old Brown Shoe, a handle I copped from the Beatles.
48 Music, family, and good friends. Nothing better. Well, pissing off Grammarly is a distant fourth-place.
49 Moving On, Part Three: I love to piss off Grammarly. They are a smug group. They keep count of how many times I have butchered the language AND then they send me emails with my error-count attached.
50 I remember when one could edit one's own atrocities.
51 It's sort of like having a grammar R2D2 whistling and all.
52 The girls have this little R2D2 that makes spot-on noises, but they last only five seconds. You squeeze his stomach and he emits R2 noises. I love squeezing him, and then pushing him on his back when he stops. He looks pretty much like this:
R2D2 squeak toy. The best five
seconds you'll ever experience.
53 When you do the G-Pa bit, you acquire favorite toys.
54 I love that little R-2, just as long as he doesn't try to correct my grammar.
55 Yeesh.
56 I thought of doing a segment on New Year's Resolutions.
57 Don't have any. Don't buy green bananas either.
58 So.
60 Think I'll try to high-tail it outta here. Just thought I'd throw a chuckle or two your way.
61 Probably failed miserably.
62 Anyhow, hope you get through the rest of the Holla Daze reasonably undazed and confused.
63 Gottago.
64 See you again.
65 Live life.
66 Love life.
67 Peace.
fin.
