The Daily News

HEY DN PEEPS!!!

TRADITIONALLY I CLOSE THE DN

ON WEEKENDS AND ALL SCHOOL

HOLIDAYS!!!

PEOPLE NEW TO THE DN

PROBABLY KNOW THIS

ALREADY, BUT IF YOU DON'T,

YOU DO NOW!

THE DN RETURNS ON MONDAY, 

JANUARY 4. 

I'LL STILL GOOF OFF ON 

SOCIAL MEDIA. 

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S

GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL AVOID

THAT AT ALL COSTS!

HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY!!!

HOLLA!

~H~

fin.

The Daily News

1  Friday!

2  Quick week.

3  I decided that yesterday, I wrapped my last present. 

4  Ever. No Birthdays. No Holidays. No Baby Showers. 

5  I found myself already inadequate at putting bag-and-tissue gifts together. I You-Tubed a video that featured a girl who posted a 56-second piece on how to bag a present.

6  She used a dishrag as a prop. She put it diagonally on the tissue paper, pulled the tissue into marvelously huge tissue-leaves, and jammed it all into a decorative bag. It looked splendid.

7  I became monstrously amused. "Any idiot could do that!" I said, to no one in particular. 

8  I'm not just any idiot. 

9  The girl mentioned that the secret to a good bag-and-tissue present is to be sure not to wrinkle the tissue.

10  At this point, we departed ways.

11  I believe myself incapable of not wrinkling gift tissue.

12  I also tend to get coffee or water on the tissue, rendering it decoratively useless. 

13  So I remained staring at all of the wrapping stuff I bought, and found myself stymied as to how to approach all of it.

14  I procrastinated.

15  It challenged me. I must confess it motivated me to master the fine art of gift-wrapping.

16  I find it a transferable skill.

17  I couldn't wait to try it with a real bag-and-tissue present.

18  I looked at my Christmas gifts. I had nothing as small as a dishrag.

19  It's the dead of winter.

20  You buy winter stuff during December.

21   I had a bath robe, not a dishrag.

22   If you've given bath robes as presents, you know they are never small. 

23  I took out two sheets of tissue paper and a gift bag.

24  

25  Okay. I examined the situation, and then I took out three sheets of colorful tissue and a much larger gift bag.

26  I then put it diagonally on the tissue paper, pulled the tissue into marvelously huge tissue-leaves, and jammed it all into a decorative bag. 

27  I underestimated how big a bag I needed for the bath robe.

28  I decided to give it a go. Mr. Patience. I counted to ten, calmed myself, and proceeded.

29  I meticulously grabbed the tissue, which collapsed on its own, causing me to attempt a rescue, further wrinkling and distorting it so that it lost much of its luster.

30  How did it look?

31  Did you ever make a lousy project in high school?

32   Like that. Could I fix it? After all, I did challenge myself. 

33  I then became the new me. I could find answers to these challenges by using simple patience. Or the Force.

34  I jumped on You Tube again, pressed for an answer.

35  I got some cheerleader wrap artist who informed me to "...give it your all, no matter what!"

36  Logical advice.

37  And, if I may, all apologies go out to my DN followers for the "wrap artist" play on words. She did do a rap, but a really lousy one. Cutesy Pinterest stuff. 

38  Never again. Promise. I did manage to spruce the present up a little: I straightened out the tissues, and added curly ribbons, all of which made it look a little better.

39  Moving On, Part One: Although the effort had unraveled, I did force myself to bag a couple of gifts the right way. I needed to get away for a bit, and reconsider everything that had gone down. I was a wreck. It's one thing to challenge yourself. It's another thing to execute. How could you let wrapping presents stress you out? I was a sodden rag. 

40  I got out, took a breather, and returned ready for the real challenge. 

41  I was to wrap a Christmas present. No gift bag. I was to put it in a box, the correct way, and make it look classic. 

42   It was a cool gift. I got one of those cheap boxes that come in packages of two, and grabbed some tissue. I became logical, and cut it to fit the inside of the box. I laid the gifts flat inside, and delicately laid some tissue across the top, so that it opened up to the present.

43  Notice I'm not revealing what the present is. Think mittens. 

44  Now came the real challenge: I bought a roll of wrapping paper that must have been four feet in length. Last minute purchase. It stuck out of the bag like a super-long baguette. It was awkward getting the thing into my trunk.

45  When I pulled it out for the mitten gift, it seemed enormous. I couldn't remember how wrap-girl measured it. I just remember that it was similar to what I have always done. 

46  The wrapper girl didn't do anything I didn't do; she just added a little patience. That's all I needed.

47  <basketball buzzer>

48  I cut it nicely, or so I thought. It was dazzling gift wrap. I smiled, because it really was pretty. 

49  I got all of it started. It folded nicely. Quality stuff. 

50  I folded all sides pretty well, and anything uneven was cut with scissors.

51  Then I came to the final fold. 

52  It didn't match at all. I lost patience. I kept snipping at different corners until a zig-zag materialized. It looked terrible, but relatively unnoticeable. My heart sank. "Oh well!" I thought. "I'll fancy it up with some ribbon!"

53  

54  Since I was anxious, and lacked patience, I decided to take it out to the tree, which was lit. Instead of ruining the ambiance, I refused to turn on the lamp. 

55  The ribbon was curled and folded exactly in half, so it draped like a poodle's ears. I tried to get the tape exactly in the middle, but it kept refusing. I must have tried six different pieces of tape, and then I decided to bring it back into the other room, the one with the large coffee table. 

56  And with unambiant lighting. It still fought me, but I conquered it. I looked down at the present. I noticed a tiny piece of tape had fastened to the coffee table. I tried taking it off, and it got worse. I was convinced it was going to remain a permanent part of the table. 

57  I gave up, took the present back to the other room, and gently leaned it against a gift box that was made by Hallmark.

58  It fit right into the lit tree, the other presents, and the Hallmark box. You couldn't see the zig-zags, and the ribbon glittered brightly with the lights.

59  So it all worked. Still, I don't see ever trying to wrap a present again. I'll go bags. I'm convinced I could conquer that one. Box presents? Never again. 

60  I say that now, of course.

61  Well, I gottago. I'm going down to the Bay Area tonight and tomorrow. I won't be down long enough to visit, because we are visiting Matt and Coley. 

62  I hope to get down there again sometime soon, but I also have two cuties to watch. I'm not sure when I could break away.

63  Meanwhile, you have a GREAT weekend. Get your gifts wrapped. You still have a little time. Oh, and catch up on your Star Wars. I watched The Empire Strikes Back during last evening's bout of insomnia. Loved it. I hope to catch Jedi after writing this, and then I head out. 

64  See you again.

65  Peace.

~H~

fin.

The Daily News

1  Thursday.

2   Lovin' it.

3   They're having a Christmas Light competition-thingy going on somewhere in Sacramento.

4  I love how my place looks. Helene did a great job, but I don't have a good enough camera to catch any of it. 

5  It isn't blasting the neighborhood with a bazillion dollars worth of lights. If anything, it's remarkably understated.

6  Last night I finally got a few gifts under the tree.

7  As a guy with twelve thumbs, I think I did okay. I was never a very patient present-wrapper, but for years I played the, "Aw, it's ugly, but you didn't pay professional wrappers, so it's from the heart!" card. 

8  I know darned well that if I wanted to take a lot of time, I could probably conquer my twelve thumbs of Christmas.

9  In fact, I had a fun experience yesterday when I went to buy my own gift wrap. I went into Rite-Aid, and shopped a store I figured wouldn't be busy.

10  I bought ribbons, Scotch gift-wrap tape (at $4.99 a pop!), and a bunch of other things that might make my presents work.

11  I must have looked sort of funny, because I had NO idea what I was buying. Any ribbons that are pre-curled, for example. Black markers for the cards that are attached to those red Christmas gift bags. And myriad packs of tissues.

12  I carried the stuff over to the clerk. He had almost-white hair. I must have been a sight. I looked like I was gift-wrapped, what with all the colors of Christmas hanging off me, along with fake tinsel, silver and gold ribbons, and colorful Christmas bags. 

13  I figured this guy to be a good ol' boy, and confessed that I had the house to myself, so this was my bid at wrapping presents with nobody interrupting my train of thought.

14  "Oh!" the guy said. "We used to wrap Christmas presents as fund-raisers when I was in high school. We got trained quite well. I love wrapping presents!"

15  So much for my good ol' boy. 

16  They don't make'em like they used to.

17  As I left the store, I was courteous. "Wish me luck!" I said. 

18  "Good luck!" he said.

19  I took a few steps out the door and remembered what I had said about older guys who are in Christmas movies always winding up in the end being the real Santa.

20  I glanced back into the store, and the guy was gone.

21  

22  You gotta love it.

23  Moving On, Part One: <singing> It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...la-de-dah-dah-dah... 

24  Remember when you used to know all the lyrics to every Christmas song?

25  <basketball buzzer>

26  Ahhh...yeah-no...

27  I don't remember too much of anything these days.

28  I'm not worried because well, I don't remember if I'm depressed or happy half the time. I consider that a plus.

29  This empowers me. 

30  Oh, I worry a bit about the memory.

31  But I can shrug most stuff off. 

32  As Helene's Uncle used to say, "If I wake up in the morning and don't see a tag on my foot, it's a good day!"

33  Ya gotta love it.

34  Moving On, Part Two:

35  Anybody lookin'?

36  Oh, bother. 

37  Holla.

38  After all, it IS the Holla Days.

39  Happy Holla Days. I stole that one from a sweat shirt. I thank Kohl's for that one. Love the peace sign. Holla.

40  Moving On, Part Three: I almost went out of my mind with the amount of Star Wars posts on Facebook last night.

41   I almost became anti-Star Wars because of it. I felt the social media was being controlled by the Man. Propaganda comes at such a cost. 

42  Trends. I tell ya.

43  Notice the key word "almost" in item 41, above. 

44  I almost became a Star Wars Scrooge.

45  Or a Star Wars Grinch. 

46  I then thought about how Grinchy and Grumpy that was. 

47  I awakened once again at around 3 a.m. and decided against boycotting Star Wars. That movie never grabbed me the way it grabbed everyone else, so I didn't really get all the hype.

48  But there was something about being unable to sleep that got me to stream Episode 4, which is actually the first one made. 

49  At first I was annoyed that the exposition was slanted, and that it demanded too much info for a fellow as slow of study as I. 

50  Within minutes, it drew me in. Before long, I love the simple story line. And I loved Alec Guinness. 

51  What's funny is I was that I found myself once again stretched out on Le Luge, but I was also wearing a black hoodie. It was a bit cold, so I had the hood over my ears. I didn't realize what a sight I must have been until Helene came out and saw me. 

52  For a tenth of a second, I became a Jedi master. 

53  Quite a turn-around in one night.

54  Christmas present to myself. 

55  I gottago. Have a Jedi day.

56  See you again.

57  May the Force be with you.

58  Peace. 

~H~

fin.

The Daily News

1  Back to business.

2  You know life is good when you get home and Google "Loaded Baked Potato Recipes."

3  The fact that this happened on the evening of Garbage Day speaks volumes.

4  Yesterday the Recycle Guys came by early for my garbage, but late with the Recycling. 

5  I got up early and cleaned out the remainder of Thanksgiving stuff from the fridge. 

6  Breaking The Fourth Wall, Dept: I did a cursory job, as I also had to make time to write this morning's DN. 

7  Duty often calls, to God, to Country, and quite appropriately, to the DN.

8  Listen: This time of year, you have to give the heave-ho to as much food as possible. This includes Thanksgiving food. You have to be sure you could replace it with Christmas food.

9  I've become careful with food. I label my food with masking-tape dates. Those dates tell me when I placed each item of food into the fridge. Healthy habits. Anal retentive, admittedly, but healthy.

10  I've miscalculated in the past; I shall miscalculate again.

11  Those days hurt. Major pain. You just don't want that.

12  Bottom line: I got rid of enough lousy stuff, and simple math dictated what to have for dinner from there.

13  What survived? Potatoes, to be sure. They hide on you. What else survived? Two excellent cheeses, fresh Parmesan and Sharp Cheddar. Sour cream. A kale salad kit. Remnants of a more recent trip to the store.

14  I made a swift run to Safeway at around 6:30 p.m. for any items I may have forgotten. Root beer, for example. 

15  Now, here's the thing: at 6:30 p.m. in Sac, the word "Safeway" becomes a misnomer. People are nutsy at 6:30 p.m. Insanity vibrates from dark parking lots to frantic lunatics hovering inside stores. 

16 Once inside, I found it impossible to concentrate on anything except leaving. My thought processes morphed to two thoughts: roasted chicken and chilled wine. Screw the root beer. I stormed through the store, picked that stuff up, and got back in the car. People shot out of parking spaces with intent to kill. Others sat and texted despite having a line of cars behind them. 

17  Guys in dented cars displayed distinct exhibitions of how their cars got dented.

18  They were by far the most irritated, and the most impatient.

19  Funny how that works. They probably began in a good mood. Here's how it works:

Before.

After.

20  I got out of there with my life. 

21  I threw myself on to Le Luge, and Googled "Loaded Baked Potato Recipes."

22  How hard could that be?

23  

24 Okay. I'm pretty sure that there are over six-thousand Loaded Baked Potato Recipes online, most claiming theirs as the very best.

25  So basically, it comes down to this: use your own classic recipe. Throw a few variations. Variations include tabasco, oregano, garlic, sage sausage, and of course, butter.

26  The potato is your oyster, without the fishiness.

27  I avoided going the microwave route. To me, microwaving a baked potato is like nuking a squash.

28  It's called a baked potato.

29  Harriet Nelson made these in her custom Hotpoint oven. 

30  She fed those to Ozzie, David, and Ricky.

31  Case closed. 

32  Moving On, Part One: The behavioral traits of Homo Sapiens this time of year become fierce. I thank the Lord that we have access to lighter fare.

33  I have enjoyed going online and finding things less stressful than the world outside my immediate frame.

34  I traditionally go through a negative phase in November. It might be the onslaught of winter; it might be that I pull out all my conspiracy books about the JFK murder, or it might be the Niners. Or any combination thereof.

35  I find I sometimes become Mr. Wheeler, the angry Goofy character in Disney's classic cartoon Motor Mania. If you're a Disney fan, you probably know it. 

36  If you haven't, it's easy access.

37  Now that I am retired, I can begin shedding the Mr. Wheeler fellow. I'm not as rushed, and it is nice. I can move all of my pent-up anger from years of work and turn it into a smile. 

38  Motor Mania shows two sides to Goofy: Mr. Walker, the guy who walks around whistling and being polite to everyone, and the aforementioned Mr. Wheeler, who becomes a banshee the second he hops into his car. 

39  One feature of Sacramento is a mentality I saw this summer while vacationing in Tahoe.

40  My sister Linda, my cousin Judy and I drove up to a place called Fallen Leaf Lake. It's a beautiful, yet dangerous ride, as it is an uphill mountain road, one lane. What this means is that people have to be polite if they wish to get where they are going. 

41  We drove past a cabin that had a wooden sign that said, "Okay to wave." I mentioned it to those gals, wondering aloud what it meant. We continued, and I noticed people waving as they would get past us. 

42  I rarely saw that in San Jo. Up in Sac, it's really common. Don't get me wrong; we've some horrid drivers up here. But when it isn't evil o' clock, most people use waves and peace signs to show gratitude for courtesy.

43  I always love that. 

44  It also keeps people from getting hit by cars. Sacramento is literally darker than San Jose, which has slowly replaced it's classic yellow street lights with much brighter lights. 

45  A part of me is happy about that; the streets seem much safer.

46  Another part of me is a bit sad, as I have always loved driving into the hills of San Jose and looking at the view. It was always peaceful, as well as easy access from both my house and my work. I could be way up in the hills in ten minutes.

47  Well.

48  I don't want to get off the rails here, so I think it's time I said a good-bye for the day.

49  Hope you have a good one, and hope this put you in a Mr. Walker mood.

50  Thanks for listening, and have a GREAT day.

51  See you again.

52  Peace.

~H~

fin.