The Daily News

1   Howdy!

2   Happy Frideeeeeee!!!

3   Hope you're all hanging in there.

4   Yeesh.

5    Sometimes it gets more and more challenging to hang in there.

6   Thank goodness we have social media and yellow journalism out there to occupy us.

7   Good ol' social media.

8   Sometimes it's nice getting old.

9   Ah, bleh.

10  It is what it is.

11  Anybody lookin'?

12   Moving On, Part One: I had a personal terrifying experience last night.

13   I heard GREAT news, and then bad news and finally found myself drifting off with deference to whatever life was throwing about.

14   Somewhere into the 1 a.m. I awakened to some sort of nonsense blasting at me from the teevee. 

15   All I saw was some football player accused, tried and convicted of some crime he probably did, according to the Man. 

16   I then realized I had not taken the garbage out.

17   Me. On Garbage Night. 

18   Is there a news story more newsworthy?

19   I naturally hopped up, tanked down around three Solo cups of fresh water, grabbed my flashlight, which I wear in a holster, and darted out to the driveway.

20   

21   I instantly heard noise across the street.

22   Dude.

23   This is somewhere INTO the 1 a.m.

24   I looked. Someone across the street had a flashlight also, and was rooting around in my neighbor's garbage.

25   Terrified, I clicked on my own flashlight sort of to herd him or her off. 

26   Dead battery.

27   Are you kiddin' me?

28   I decided to complete the mission anyway, since I am now a crotchety Old Brown Shoe who fears nothing but nonsense.

29   I was a tad concerned because I was trying to stuff a tall broken lamp into the garbage and still make the lid close.

30   Try THAT into the 2015. 

31   I naturally had night terrors of six thousand police officers throwing working lights my way and then carting me off to prison.

32   Ah, 2015. 

33   Welp, I made the lamp fit and hurried back into the house.

34   I swiftly tried looking all over for batteries, realizing I must have placed my glasses somewhere that was critically impossible to find.

35   No glasses. No battery for a flashlight so that I could find my glasses. 

36   Bare feet.

37    You with me?

38   I found the batteries quickly, since I have thousands existing in multiple drawers and rooms in the house, like most of us disorganized geezers.

39   Still.

40   No glasses anywhere in sight. 

41   How does that happen in 2015?

42

43   Oh.

44   It's 2015. 

45   I looked everywhere I might have read stuff and realized I decided last night not to grade papers or do any school stuff. 

46   I was out of my routine.

47    I'm a routine fanatic. I LOVE routine. So I became off my game. I'm a game fanatic. I LOVE game. But I was off my game. 

48   I looked in every nook and cranny inside the house.

49   No. Fooking. Glasses. 

50   

51   How does this stuff happen? No routine. No grading. No game. No glasses. 

52   How's a fellow to function?

53   

54    The car.

55    I have thousands of glasses in every nook and cranny of the Altima, the 21st Century version of the T0000000NDRA. 

56   I refer to it affectionately as the Ol' Timuh. 

57   This required going out to the selfsame driveway where I already had that odd encounter with some weird garbage person I had seen earlier rooting around my neighbor's garbage. 

58   You still with me?

59    I figured not.

60    AnywayZ...

61    Anybody lookin'?

62    The weird garbage person had somehow vanished. The paranoia about police faded. My flashlight lit up. I opened the door to the car, looked around all the weird cubbies that are in every new car, pushed a button and a cubby opened.

63   Thousands of pairs of reading glasses flew at me like crazed bats. 

64   I sorted through sunglasses, huge glasses like the guy in Up, and normal reading glasses, all of which were smudged and had bent frames.

65   Don't get old, dude.

66   I finally grabbed a nice pair that were clean and solid, and dashed inside before the police would arrive. 

67   Once inside I decided that I might as well write some of this nonsense.

68   And viola. 

69   Mr. Excitement. 

70   Don't get old.

71   Gottago.

72   For the record: this is arguably the longest DN in its awesome history.

73   So it goes. 

74   Gottago. I'm done withal.

75   See you again. Have a GREAT weekend. Happy Frideeeeeee!!! Indeed.

76   Peace.

~H~

The Daily News

1   Okay I gottago fast today.

2   Garbage Day. 

3   Once again.

4   The meeting yesterday became gloriously short. 

5   We were told that there is no longer a Bill of Rights and that the District has a bank of every email we've ever written and that they could even get into our other accounts.

6   Welcome to 'Murica, 2015.

7   My initial instinct was to shut the DN down immediately.

8   I'm not too nervous about most of that stuff, but I'm worried that someone might know that I frequently write the word boushit, and that anyone could read this nonsense.

9   

10  Then I figured that I shouldn't.

11   Free country, or it used to be. Boushit isn't even a word people. 

12   I blame the Internet. 

13   

14   And the Man.

15   Nothing new.

16   I've written this nonsense forever and every now and again people worry about it.

17   Not this guy.

18   I still stand for Mom, apple pie, truth, justice and the American Way.

19   Oh, and pizza.

20   I don't have much to say anyway. 

21

22

23   Buncha boushit.

24   Moving On, Part One: Did anyone see this morning's Merc News? It has a headline clearly earmarked for the East Coast that says this:

 HA, HA, HA

                     ---Love, California

25   Right next to that it has a picture of people lying in the sun in Memorial Glade at UC Berkeley, and underneath it has a picture of Lower Manhattan from Staten Island and the New York Harbor with large chunks of ice. 

26   Dude.

27   Seesly?

28   When we have an earthquake, is New York going to laugh?

29   Pretty tacky, Merc. Shame, shame, shame on you.

30   And I usually enjoy the morning paper.

31   Even if everything is controlled by the Man.

32   I'm not really sure which Man, but you really can't believe most of the news nowadays. 

33

34   It's all a bunch of hype and boushit.

35   Yellow journalism is on fire.

36   Do I care?

37   Like most people, I pretty much ignore it.

38   Ah, it's all good.

39   

40   There was also an article about Sillycon Valley unionizing. 

41   Unions? In 2015?

42   I thought they went away with Reagan and the Air Traffic Controllers.

43   People HATE unions these days.

44   

45   Dunderheads.

46   

47   Whoops. Did I just defend unions?

48   

49   Always. 

50   Hey, it's in me. I'm Irish. 

51   And in just a few weeks, it's gonna be St. Patrick's Day, that odd time between Valentine's and Easter.

52   Walgreens doesn't know what to do with itself.

53   Anybody lookin'?

54   I'd better go before I piss someone off. 

55   The Man can read this too, I might add. 

56   

57   Anybody lookin'?

58   Yup.

59   Gottago.

60   See you again.

61   Peace.

~H~

The Daily News

1   Ah, the good ol' Daily News.

2   On the porch, not on the driveway.

3   And if you get that one, you're officially in the Old Brown Shoe Club, which I just now invented and will soon forget.

4   So it goes; so it goes.

5   Yesterday I conked out early, my hatred of Tuesdays having surfaced.

6   Torture. That day HAS to go.

7   So I  conked out.

8    Who could blame a fellow?

9    Ah it's all good.

10  Today is a meeting day.

11   I already have a bazillion emails from people who are mad at me for one thing or another.

12   Happens.

13   These all flew in like pretty doves after I conked out.

14   Who on this planet has that sort of time?

15   Ummm...all of them?

16   

17   <sigh>

18   I remember a time when that sort of thing would have driven me mad.

19   Now I can officially attribute it to the sublime forgetfulness and senility of not really giving a shit.

20   For those of you who are younger, you have lots to look forward to.

21   The same people who are all pooped up about daily issues are the same people who ask me to put in work orders for classrooms that have ridiculously inadequate air conditioning.

22   You want to face boushit?

23   Try teaching verbs to a last-class-of the day in a room that has tropical mugginess.

24   Students melted off the sides of their desks, and tired tongues fell to the carpet.

25   We're talking some of the best and brightest.

26   At least I wore a nice tie. One kid told me my tie made her feel as though she were in a Disney movie.

27   She certainly wasn't in the transitive-verb moment.

28   Ah, it's a livin'.

29   Anybody lookin'?

30   Ed U. Kation.

31   If I were a sub, I'd use that handle. 

32   It's SO sub.

33   Remember those guys?

34   Tough gig.

35    Good pay. No bennies.

36    I cut my teeth on being a sub.

37    You realize just how stupid you are really fast.

38    fdadfdklfdsfd.

39   Moving On, Part the First: I sincerely wrote this into the 3 a.m.

40   Not gonna lie.

41   I usually lie, but not this time.

42   2015.

43   Everything is stupid.

44   No lie.

45   Anybody lookin'?

46   I can't believe that at 3 a.m. I have around twenty people pissed at me. 

47   <looking around>

48    Okay, that's just an exaggeration, which I spelt correctly the first time around.

49   That's right.

50   I still got it, beotches rapidas.

51   The entire foreign language department just shook their heads.

52   Whatttttttuppp.

53   I can't believe any of this.

54   Neither should you.

55   Thanks for the support tho.

56   No, seeesly.

57   I appreciate intelligence, and anyone who can hold on to this nonsense must have tons of intelligence.

58   And a kind patience.

59   We all go through it man.

60   Daily.

61   My computer just warned me about updates, and to report an issue.

62   

63   I hate meetings. I hate meetings like nothing else on this Earth. 

64   And because of yesterday I took issue with Tuesday Weld, this goofball actress from back-in-the-day.

65  TaIk about issues. 

66   I officially gottago. I needs must.

67  Thanks for listening.

67   See you another time and appreciate you now. Have a GREAT day.

68   Peace.

~H~