The Once-in-a-While

Daily News: My Report
Card.

1 I have a zest for mediocrity. 

2  It's in my bones.

3  I love that I can do so many things in a lesser-than-average fashion.

4  If I paint a wall, for example, I inevitably create more holidays than a school teacher's calendar.  

5  I could paint over those things for an eternity, and IF I show someone my work, they will inevitably (there's that word again!) point out my holidays.

6  If I had to give myself a grade for the way I live my life, I think I would give myself a C. 

7  In education, a "C" is considered average. 

8  It's regional, of course. Everything varies according to where a person has been brought up. 

9  But I know my habits. I know that as a young student, when a teacher lectured in high school, I often looked out the windows to the sky and clouds. This is exactly how mediocre people become mediocre. 

10  I also write mediocre poetry.

11  I consider myself an imagist. But a mediocre imagist. I acquired my imagery skills from ignoring boring lectures and looking out the window at the clouds and the sky when I was a school boy. 

12  A lot of my mediocre poetry contains clouds, rain, skies, things like that.

13  My "poetry" is pretty mediocre. If I got graded on how mediocre it is, I might even get a C+. That means I'm just a little bit above average on poetic mediocrity. 

14  Last week in a fit of ennui, I pulled out all my poems.

15  I think there were fifteen or twenty, my life's work. In terms of life's work, I would give myself a D-. 

16  P-R-E-T-T-Y mediocre.

17  I decided the other day to haul them out and touch them up. 

18  The first thing i did was i got rid of using lower case "i's"

in my poems. Stuff like, "when i wuz small i..."

19  Dude. 

20  You're not e.e cummings, k?

21

22  Anybody looking?

23  So.

24  I also took out cutesy spellings of words (see "wuz," item 18, above.).  

25  I then combed the lot for any reference to myself as either a soldier, a boxer, or a knight. Can't have that. Any mention OR reference to any of those topics lowers the grade.

26  I next combed the lot with random capitalizations. Here is an example I made up for this piece u are reading right now:

upon the shattered hill

a lone soldier, a boxer,
AND a knight
rolled all in one stands, 
on his hands
the man's

staring astonished

at the burning Field

below

defeated but not

without a bit of fight

Still left in him.

he sighs, torn by the

earthy Reality that smells of

dirt, filth, and mud,
cruddy suds

and of a childhood

that ended all too
soon
like the lilting,
limited life 
of a lofty
spoon that
bent for lack of
an ice cream scoop.

27 Finger snaps and bongos.

28  Maybe the shaking of a hippy tambourine?

29  How did it make u feel?

30  Nothing like really bad poetry. I give the lot of it a D, straight up.

31  Moving On, Part One: Did you ever try to throw a trash can out? I don't know that you can. There is always a good Sam who will come by and say, "Hey, I saw you accidentally threw your trash can away, dude. Here go."

32  I thought I made that up. Turns out it's already been used. Harland Williams. Funny dude. I don't wanna steal someone else's stuff. So. What stirred that one?

33  This past weekend I decided that we have too much clutter everywhere. 

34  I'm certain we are the only people who have that problem.

35  I wanted to get rid of crap in the garage. One of the biggest items not in use in the garage was our treadmill.

36  The thing is pretty old but in mint condition.

Like this guy's bike.

37  Helene went on our Neighborhood Next Door online thingy and saw that some guy had his treadmill for sale and was asking $225 for it.  

38  We had one, and decided to ask a mere $50 for it. We just wanted it outta here, but thought we might get a dinner out to boot.

39  We received zero hits. We finally found that local garbage dudes offer free pick-up on certain items. 

40  I didn't pay too much attention to all the details because I'm a C student of life. Possibly a C- if the guy grading you is a tyrant. 

41  Ah, everything is sort of a C- these days. The other day I had a hankering for a chocolate milkshake at Mickey D's. I was particularly interested in the whipped cream with the cherry on top. Just a hankering.

42  I had to meet with this gal about some business "...between 11:30 and noon.." because she is also an average person, and our McDonald's is five minutes away without traffic. It's usually pretty quick this time of day, so I took the gamble, being a mediocre guy.

43  No traffic, got through all the lights, got right through to the window, and gave my order: "One chocolate shake, please." I said it like a boss. 

44

45  I then zipped up to the other window. The girl inside came into view, then out, like they do. She then opened the window like a priestess. "Did you order the chocolate shake?" she asked.

46  "Yes." I said it like a boss.

47  "Our machine is down. Would you like some other sort of drink? A coke?" She paused. "Some other sort of drink?"

48  I was okay, because earlier in the week Raley's had run out of recycled plastic bags, and the Raley's gal tried putting four bags of groceries into two paper bags without bothering to reinforce one bag with the other. So I was pretty used to C- work. 

49  "Do you have one of those Oreo thingys?" I said.

50  "Do you mean a McFlurry?"

51  "Yeah," I said. "With lots of napkins." My experience with McDonald's chocolate shakes dictated this. I give myself an A+ on that one. 

52  I gave myself a C- in Environmental Awareness. Any fool can see that. What a disastrous waste of paper. 

53  I got home, and the gal wasn't there for the meeting. Helene was still working on getting the treadmill out of the house, but her Apple Mac Book Air decided to buffer and spin. 

54  That continued all the way to last night. I decided that if I could, I would kick her Apple Mac Book Air out of life. 

55  If I tried to throw it out I'm pretty sure some good citizen would notice it, fish it out of the overloaded recycling can, knock on my door, and say, "I saw this in your recycling and figured you would not want to be without this."

56  I would take it back, say, "Thanks. Thanks SOOOOOO
much," close the door, and give that fellow an A+ in Citizenship. 

57  And I would work the rest of the week trying to get the thing working again. 

58  In the meantime, I'm looking over at the Mac Book Air. We should have that puppy working by 2025.

59  And I just walked into the garage. I almost tripped over the cord to the treadmill but caught myself.

60  I smiled. Because in finally giving in to the futility of everyday life, I give myself at least a B. 

61  Well, a B-, I suppose. 

62  Oh. And JUST now, Helene looked up from the Mac Book Air and said, "HEY! I finally fixed this thing!!!"

63  She was always an "A" student anyway. 

64  Gottago.

65  Have a better day. Smiles warm your heart.

66  See you again.

67  Live life.

68  Love life.

69  Peace.

fin.

The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  Easter Sunday I had an admittedly embarrassing terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that went on to Easter Monday. 

2  Allow me to explain. I'm pretty sure my house was haunted.

3  Everybody was out of town, so I had the place to myself. How often does THAT happen in 2017?

4  Holy Saturday Night, I had crashed on the couch while watching old movies. I had left the small lamp next to the couch on all night. I slept well, but the second I woke, Easter Sunday, the lamp and half the room blinked off and on. The stove clock turned to 3:32 and continued blinking. Huh?

5  Our alarm system decided to go haywire. The little alarm on the wall began beeping every fifteen seconds. I have poor eyesight but used a flashlight to get the name of the alarm company. I Googled the situation and found to my chagrin that I needed to find a box in the garage, open it, and then disconnect a battery that looked like a small, black brick. Why? Where's the "off" button? I went out to the garage and combed the walls. No box. 

6  For the record, I lived my entire life WITHOUT a burglar alarm. Never felt the need. I had fire and smoke alarms that worked on batteries, but never a burglar alarm. Burglars know their ways around such things. 

7  Meanwhile, Helene was in Vegas. I had to disrupt whatever wickedness she was encountering and ask her if she knew where the box was. I vaguely remembered having to deal with this stuff when we first moved up to Sacramento. I was supposed to pick her up at the airport at 1:35 Monday afternoon. But more about that later.

8  The box containing the small black brick box, it turned out, was in the coat closet. It was high up and I needed a ladder to reach it. The coat closet doesn't have a light, so I had to grab a camping lantern. When I walked across the room holding a lantern and a ladder, I felt like I was in the Pyramus and Thisbe skit from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. 

9  While all this was happening, my daughter Nicole's son, Li'l Jack, had a rash breaking out everywhere, so Helene, Nicole, and Caitlin were involved in a steady stream of emails updating the little guy's status. Caitlin had the added stress of her daughter Maren suddenly going fussy. Needless to say, this can cause a twin chain-reaction.

10  And I was frantically trying to stop the beeping. There was a manual sticking out the corner of the box. I grabbed it and looked up Disarming the System And Silencing Alarms. Right out of the Manifesto. It said that I needed to enter a passcode and then push the off button. The box ALSO was screwed shut. Knuckle-busting stuff. My body twisted and contorted like Gumby going through heroin withdrawals.

11  I decided to find humor in the situation. I pictured how I might have looked to the neighbors had the blinds not been drawn. I got down for a sec, dusted my pants, and checked in with everyone on my cell.

12  Caitlin was advising Nicole on different things she could do to help out Li'l Jack. 

13  So after some kind, patient words of advice from Caitlin to Nicole, I would, with no sense of timing, post stuff like, "I'm just going to smash this box with a sledgehammer!" I would add a happy-face emoticon just to keep it all light. 

14  The alarm that was beeping was the one directly across from the coat closet. I didn't know which button to push because I didn't even see the words above the dial buttons.

15 I texted THAT info too, punctuating it with, "...because the font was a size 2!" followed by another emoticon, the one with the guy having tears of laughter. I ramped it up to THREE of those guys side-by-side-by-side, right next to my comment. Keepin' it light.

 16  I decided to bypass the passcode order and push the "off" button. Pretty ingenious, wouldn't you say?

17  Guess what?

18  The beeping came to a silent end.

19  Just push the "off" button. That's all I told myself. Poof. Silence. Peace in the haunted house. It was the stuff of Frankie Valli.

20  Meanwhile, Coley had contacted the doctor who advised hydrocortisone for Li'l Jack. Caitlin suggested whiskey.

21  Nicole texted that Jack had fallen asleep "...on the way to Easter." With eight-month-old babies, when they fall asleep in the car, you keep driving around. 

22  Helene texted me and told me that I ought to get out. We have a brand new Tuesday Morning store in the Raley's parking area by my house. She suggested I take a stroll over and enjoy the fun of a new store. It might clear my head.

23  I walk four to five miles every day, so it was a legit suggestion. I looked out the window and saw it gloomy and wet outside. I had Easter Parade on and was walking around while its cantankerous music played. 

Sidebar and a Coupla Indoor Hiking Household Hints: What I do to get the miles is I will clear out the dishwasher one item at a time, walk around the living room with say, a fork, and get some steps in. It sounds crazy, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to log a few miles doing that. 

24  I also do laundry to add miles. Sometimes I'll pause a movie to get to the laundry room, then back again. I can also hear the movies. Lots of little tricks to get my legs and feet moving. And yes, I can modify laundry by folding and putting away one item at a time. And, ladies and gents, those are your Indoor Hiking Household Hints!

25  But I digress. While doing the laundry, I heard something fall behind the dryer. I didn't think too much about it at the time; I figured I'd just keep moving around, cleaning different things. 

26  I went into the master bedroom and cleaned the bathroom sink, brought in Windex to make everything spiffy, and buffed it all to a high shine. We never use that bathroom because it's tiny but worthy of a quick clean.

27  The washing machine clunked, the music played, and somewhere in all of this, I became the Maid-of-the Year. 

28  ...until I got to the toilet area. I had cleaned everything up nice and spiffylike when I looked down.

29  Somehow the toilet-paper holder had disappeared. The middle part. Gone. I figured I must have accidentally thrown it in the garbage. I dug through some of the garbage, went out to the garage to look through the large bins, but no toilet-paper holder. 

30  I texted Helene and asked her where Tuesday Morning was located. I sort of liked the coincidence of losing something that I could probably get at the new store.

31  Right by Kohl's! And just like that, I was out the door. 

32  It took about two minutes to get there, only the store was closed. It was 5:45 by then, and the store hours said they closed at 6:00. No toilet-paper holder for this guy. = ( <---Sideways Old-School Daily News sad guy.

33  No luck. At just about that exact moment, Helene texted me to "Pick out a cute one."

34  For the record, I wouldn't know a "cute" toilet-paper holder if you held a gun to my head.

35  I suddenly remembered something though. I remembered hearing something fall behind the dryer. I ran to the laundry room and pulled the dryer forward. I didn't see the toilet-paper holder, but I didn't get a clean look. I did a sort-of attempt, you know, like when you bend your way through a dry storm of dust bunnies?

36  The item that had dropped, it turned out, was the plastic top to the laundry detergent. No toilet-paper holder in sight.

37  I thought I had duct-taped the dryer hose to the vent last year, and that I had just yanked it all apart. I decided to bail, remove myself from the situation, and check in on the emails.

38  I had to have been in an old Chaplin film.

39  I sure looked that way. What happened next was a flurry of quick emails. Here go:

40  Helene texted me with these words: "Just relax and stop touching stuff." Instantly Nicole texted a huge, "LOL!"

41  I got the message. I texted myself in my head: "STFU, ya crybaby!!!"

42  Next series of texts:

43  Me: "Haha! YUP! Jaws 2 is on. Screw Jesus movies! They're bad luck!" 

44  Me: "Okay. Don't judge. But Roy Scheider clearly dyes his hair. It's like, so obvious."

45  Helene: "Roy Scheider is dead."

46  And on and on. It turned into Monday somewhere in all of this. Helene texted me that her flight would arrive at 1:35 p.m. She also informed me that she left her iPhone charger
at the hotel. 

47  Caitlin immediately responded: "Should we all come pick you up in the van?" She was home. Pretty sure nobody wanted me behind the wheel of a car. 

48  Caitlin then called me and offered to go get Helene AND that I could stay home and nap. 

49  I told Caitlin that would be great, that I could straighten out the television over the fireplace. It's a little crooked...

50  She demanded that I nap. She knew I had Alexander vibes. Doing anything but napping could result in catastrophe. 

51  And so I did. 

52  Of course, I didn't get much sleep. I got up shortly thereafter and drove to Target iso a "cute" toilet-paper holder AND a charger. 

53  I discovered one thing about Target early in the day: You don't want to be there. I looked around and knew there was NO way I was going to ask anyone for anything. Weird vibes.

54  

55  I sped home, hopped on the couch and took another nap. I couldn't rest too much because it occurred to me that I had to start writing this to hit a Wednesday deadline. I was awakened by the doorbell ringing and ringing and ringing.

56  Caitlin, Helene, and the Beebeez came in laughing. We had a pretty good laugh, enjoyed a nice visit with Caitlin and the girls, and eventually said our goodbyes.

57  Caitlin drove off. I told Helene I never did find the toilet-paper holder. She said, "Oh, that thing disappeared long ago. Let's just go to Wal-Mart and get a new one." We went in; she walked directly to the bathroom aisle and found a brand-new toilet-paper insert for $1.47 and change. 

58  And that's the admittedly embarrassing story of my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad Easter Sunday that went on to Easter Monday.

59 Gottago.

60  Have a GREAT day.

61  See you again.

62  Oh.

63  And live life.

64  Love life.

65  Peace.

~H~

fin.