The Daily News

1  When did you last try to buy a candle? A taper, a long, thin, wax candle? Like, a classic Christmas candle?

2  We have a small, four-piece glass candlestick set that spells out N O E L. Each letter holds a candle. 

3  I must have shopped half a dozen stores the other day, and none (not even Target!) had long, thin wax candles.

4  I'm not sure exactly why. I guess L-E-D candles don't have chemicals or things that cause weird diseases. Not sure.

5  I don't want to know. Good God.

6  When did the world turn so weird?

7  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Don't get old. 

8  El-oh-El.

9  Moving On, Part One: The storm triggered my insomnia Saturday night. We had walked over five miles on a shopping spree, got home, and then settled in to Hallmark movies. 

10  From there, I dozed, and awakened just about each hour. The wind and rain pelted my house, dousing it with sheets of water and lots of noise.

11 I decided to listen to a talk show that featured the JFK assassination. Something light.

12  That's a nice healthy thing to listen to. I assumed I would drift right off. 

13  Duh.

14  I felt I would have been better off listening to a morbid version of Julius Caesar. Or maybe even Titus Andronicus, considering the fierceness of the storm.

15  Don't try this at home.

16  After a while I became a frightened kid again. Don't get young.

17  Things weren't just going bump in the night. They howled and clobbered, banged, and clanged.

18  I pulled the comforter over my head and peeked out. 

19  My eyes lit up the room. 

20  Night terrors in a place I now realize I don't quite know yet.

21  And just like a kid, I kept wanting to see the morning sky. 

22  Just before dawn, I lit all the Christmas lights and put on a documentary about Mary, Jesus' Mom.

23  Pretty interesting. Like most documentaries, it blew the lid off the history as we thought it happened.

24  I'm re-learning everything these days. I have the time.

25  Fascinating stuff. 

26  I won't go into it. I figured there's a real story about nearly everything. 

27  Maybe that explains my fascination with documentaries. Endless learning.

28  God, I've become a crashing bore!

29  Moving On, Part Two: Anybody lookin'?

30  I live near the Sacramento International Airport. I realize I still don't know my way around this place. The other night's storm caused changes in flight patterns. Planes flew over my house, and got a little loud.

31  I grew up in South City, which was in the San Francisco International Airport's flight pattern. That stuff got WAY loud. It used to happen often, and it jangled the teevee reception, as well as the nerves. Saturday night and yesterday morning weren't as loud, but were loud enough to keep me up.

32  Moving On, Part Three: Yesterday morning, the back yard got tossed around by fierce winds. I put a Hallmark Christmas movie on, just to steady myself. For a few moments I thought they might evacuate us. So thank goodness for Hallmark Christmas movies. 

33  A guy in a Santa outfit appeared on the teevee screen. I have a theory about Hallmark-movie Santas: they always become the real Santa by the end of the movie, especially if the guy has white hair. 

34  Clockwork. 

35  I made the mistake of changing the channel to the 49er game just before 10.

36  By the second quarter I cracked into about seventeen-thousand pieces. God-awful.

37  Really bad commercials popped on. Pure cringe. One had kids dressed like the Peanuts characters pushing All laundry detergent. 

38  This was followed by this idiotic ad for a thing called Egg-tastic. I first saw it a few months ago, right after I made my own breakfast in a coffee cup.

39 I switched back to the Hallmark movie, and the guy I predicted was going to be Santa was out having dinner with a dame. They were both old. Both had white hair. You can bet it was the real Santa and Mrs. Claus, even though they looked like normal neighbors, if there is such a thing. They wore sweaters and drank hot cocoa.

40  I just had the thing on to keep me calm and unjittery. I never did get a chance to see if the guy turned out to be the real Santa. I recorded it. If I remember, I'll advise. It was headed that way.

41  Moving On, Part Four: 'Tis the Season, Dept: I hit all sorts of off-the-wall stores the other day. I couldn't find long, thin wax candles if you shot at my feet, but I did find a thing called Wild Bill's Bacon Jerky at this joint called World Market.

42  I thought, "Ingenious!" It looked like any other package of jerky, only with bacon.

43  It turned out to be just that: cooked bacon. On the side of the package it said this: "It's Bodacious!"

44  You can look up that word for me. It is a hybrid. Have a free vocabulary lesson. I'll give you that as an assignment I don't have to grade.

45  Bodacious word.

46  So: I found the World Market, where I could purchase a bag of Wild Bill's Bacon Jerky, which is bodacious, but couldn't find four red, long thin wax candles. 

47  Here is a picture of Wild Bill's Bacon Jerky: 

48  But I'll be darned if I could find this:

49

50   I gottago. Before I do, I want to thank everyone, particularly the younger set, for posting hilarious and intelligent stuff on the social-media Facebook thingy. I waste a lot of time laughing at the posts, memes, videos and all. Great way to waste time. And in many ways, it is an odd way to pass time. 

51  For the first time in history, we are in touch with nearly everybody we have ever known. As a former teacher, I find it enjoyable to see pictures of my former students, and their friends, their children, and their families. Plus people post a lot of hilarious things. 

52  It's an oddity, but almost indescribable. I get a kick out of it all. Keep the humor coming. It floors me. I laugh at things I know darned well I shouldn't be laughing at. Hot oatmeal bursts through my eyes and nose. Moments. I'm telling you. So thanks for all the laughs and thoughts. And music. I needed to be amused, and you all succeeded in getting me to a bout of normalcy following that nightmarish evening. I'm officially settled in. 

53  I gottago.

54  Have a GREAT day. Lately, I find that every day is a great day, so love it all while it's happening. 

55  And if you know a place I can score an old-fashioned, normal wax candle, let me know. Oh, and bacon isn't necessarily a bad thing. B'bye.

56  Peace.

~H~

fin.