Friday, December 11, 2015





The Daily News

1  Every corner I turn these days I see police cars.

2  And I like it.

3  I tried to figure it out, but I guess 'tis the season.

4  'Tis also the season for people shopping online. 

5  'Tis also the season for thieves to hit porches when things get delivered and nobody is at home.

6  I like that I have no specific pattern when traveling from our house to Josh and Caitlin's. Thieves never know if I am driving around the block, or going out for an hour. They can't measure it because I'm retired. So I could drive off, see a suspicious car, and then come back immediately. I don't have to be anywhere, in general. 

7  That being said, If I see a guy taking anything that we have had delivered, I could bop him on the noggin. 

8   I have officially been a pacifist for too, too long.

9  I didn't realize it until the night someone rang my doorbell late, and I grabbed a wooden stool to clobber the guy.

10  The stool was a gift from a student who made it in her art class at EV. Nice gift. Great weapon. 

11  So be careful, whoever you are.

12  I got game. 

13  And I will bop you.

14

15  Moving On, Part One: Nah. I'm still my old peaceful self. 

16  Pretty harmless.

17  Ah, late afternoons.

18  That's when I wrote this first part.

19  So this is me talking at you from late afternoon/early evening yesterday. Time machine. Ghost of Christmas Yesterday. Here are my thoughts as they happened: 

 We're waiting for the oven to pre-heat for a Papa Murphy's pair of pizzas.

20  If I could only follow my own lead, I technically should be walking around the room until it pre-heats. I could turn inches into feet, and feet into miles. But I am lying on the couch. 

21  Too lazy.

22  Didn't make it. Caitlin got up and beat me to it. 

23  Hmmm.  I could walk around while it bakes. 

24  I think I will. I just need to make it look like I'm not doing that. Imagine how annoying it is to a roomful of people if one guy keeps walking around in circles. I'll try to be slick about it. 

25  It's easier when no one is around. I walked a mile-and-a-half yesterday morning. I'm still experimenting with the entire ridiculous routine. I walk around the house, and make fast circles around the sink island for exercise. 

26  All I know is that I'm getting pretty good exercise. I get more than three extra miles of walking in each day, and that statistic is rising. We're talking about extra indoor walking. And it is working famously.

27  <basketball buzzer> <Enter hubris>

28  I forgot to consider Murphy's Law: If you put a Papa Murphy's Chicken Mediterranean Pizza into an oven, the second it is ready, a baby will uncork a loud whine.

29  So I've done a bit of shifting with Caitlin; we had a few cooks, and a crying baby. For the record, it was Lil' Maren.

30  Oh. A few moments ago I suffered memory loss at the very moment Lil' Maren went off. 

31  And I forgot to put my iPhone in my pocket. That's where I have the walking app that meticulously measures all those precious extra steps I've been boasting about. 

32  Mission Improbable. Mission Don't-Get-Old. I walked a lot and forgot to bring my walking app with me. Mission Stoopit. 

33  What I do in that sort of circumstance is pretend I never walked. Any statistic will be tainted, so I will error on the lowest number, if that makes sense. I could still reach my number of miles, but I could also be happy with the thought that I probably did a few more. 

34  As it happened, I had to take over cleaning some baby bottles and cutting slices of the second Papa Murpy's, this regular-crust pizza called Chicken Bacon Ranch.

35  I was a bit wrapped up in cleaning baby bottles that I almost forgot about it. I caught it right in the nick of time.

36  It emerged with a golden-brown crust. I succeeded in my mission. Ah, the little things, always, the little things. Golden-brown crusts on a Papa Murph's Chicken Bacon Ranch is a slice of heaven.

37  I figured doing all that running-around gave me the same amount of miles as I would have had on my app if I had it on me in the first place. Are you lost yet?

38  And I now need around a third of a mile to hit my weekly average, which has steadily gone up since I first started this ridiculous exercise regimen. 

39  It's a can't miss, unless there's a blackout.

40  <time passes> Whew. No blackout. 

41  Moving On, Part Two: I forgot to mention yesterday that right after I wrote about my desktop Dell possibly blue-screening, it DID. The second I pushed "publish" to get the DN on Facebook, it blue-screened. It hasn't blue-screened in years. I wrote about it blue-screening; it blue-screened. 

42  <time passes again> Still no blackout. 

43  Moving On, Part Three:  I really need to stop predicting things. I'm beginning to believe my own idiocy about telekinesis, or whatever it's called.

44  I don't know what it's called when you think of things and then they occur shortly thereafter.

45  I asked Helene and Caitlin if they knew.

46  Helene said, "It's called, 'Stoopit, man!' "

47  Wise lady.

48  I kept waiting for a blackout, and no blackout occurred. 

49  I feel elated.

50  I love that psychic things happen to me regularly, but sometimes it scares me. 

51  I've always likened it to the Cole character in The Sixth Sense. I don't see dead people, but I do experience exorbitant amounts of coincidences all the time. 

52  Moving On, Part Four: I was serious when I said that the second I pushed "publish" yesterday right after talking about blue screens on computers, my computer blue-screened. I shall now move us to Christmas Present. This morning. around 10:30. The topic has moved to coincidences. We square?

53  Today, not much. Nothing to report. But I'm finished with writing this nonsense earlier than usual. The day is young.

54  This stuff is usually intensified around Halloween, then it calms down. 

55  I've referred to the coincidences as "Heidi trips" over the years, Heidi being the purported ghost that hung out in the YB Theatre. I claim she hitched a ride with me when I got to Evergreen. You'd have to go back through my archives to get the bigger story; it's way too complex to tackle this morning. 

56  I don't know that it will ever be told, because my computers have not allowed it, and always do strange things any time I hop into the topic. 

57  And my ears just started ringing. Sometimes I think I must go mad. 

58  Or perhaps, sometimes I think I must go.

59  No time like the present. 

60  We are back to Christmas Present. 

61  Gottago.

62  See you again.

63  Have a GREAT weekend.

64  Peace. Unless you try to steal a package off my porch.

65  Rest assured, I will bop you. 

66  Late.

~H~













fin.














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