1 Somehow that show The Bachelor came on. They should re-name it The Muttonhead.
2 As I watched it last night, I was my usual cheery sort:
3 "Who watches this crap?" I asked nobody in particular.
4 That's you what you call a rhetorical question.
5 The glory of grading papers is that anything on tee-vee
becomes a lava lamp with sound.
6 Every once in a while this turkey comes on.
7 The premise is that some muttonhead is chosen to be Prince Charming, and something like twelve gorgeous beotchas rapidas use their wiles to get him ultimately to marry them.
8 It is the stuff of nightmares and I'm pretty sure hack scripts. Last night, for instance, some gal who was dumped in an earlier episode showed up.
9 The girls instantly bonded like nerds in a summer camp but make no mistake: in the long run, it was every rapida to herself. The gal who was dumped became the enemy, bonding the entire group and forcing the guy to dump her a second time. They cut to a bunch of jelly-and-cream commercials and returned with an entire new plot line. If the present plot ain't working, go to commercial; 'Murica will forget instantly. Squeaky-clean white board. New plot.
10 This one featured a waitress named Britt, whose only claim to fame is never showering.
11 This instantly bonded the beotchas.
12 Britt could be seen bounding around with dirty hair, red stretch pants, and even honest "friends" telling her she needed a bath.
13 A lot of "ewwww" moments early in the script. Exposition let loose with a sledge hammer. Oh, and in case you weren't paying attention, Britt evidently smells like the South Seas.
14 I got distracted somewhere in there.
15 After a few more cheap commercials the show returned. Here comes the rising action. You ready?
16 The Bachelor, equipped with a flashlight and an agenda, trips through the room, eventually landing on Britt, and proceeds to get kissy with her.
17 She throws her smelly self together and the next thing you know they are on a sunrise date in a giant balloon.
18 Somewhere in there Britt had a complete makeover, and clearly no further hint of any hygienic issues. She is suddenly a perfumed model hot for the muttonhead.
19 They fly up above the clouds, clearly away from any funk she may have left behind at the science camp.
20 From the looks of that scene, the producers probably should have folded the show for the season.
21 Needless to say he was going to return to a viper pit.
22 You get the basic drift. I haven't time to go further. There are websites out there devoted to this stuff.
23 Moving On Rapidly, Part One: At the risk of causing a complete ruckus on the DN, I give you the entire story, courtesy of some website I'll gladly footnote later. I have to leave early this morning to pick up tests, but I don't want to leave you hanging. I figured someone out there had the full story of Britt and the Lunkhead, so here ya go:
Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor kicks off with Chris Soules paying the girls a visit in the Bachelor
mansion, he reveals that there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group
date – and they are heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico for them. The girls
are thrilled, and they pack their bags for their trip, and head to New
Mexico.
The 11 remaining Bachelorettes arrive in
Santa Fe and check in to the hotel, Ashley I. plans to make her time in
New Mexico with Chris count – after she revealed she was a virgin to
him she feels like their relationship has suffered. The first date card
arrives and Jade reads it aloud. “Carly, let’s come together. – Chris” Carly is ecstatic for her first 1-on-1 date with The Bachelor, the other girls – not so much.
Chris and Carly meet up for their first
date, they head to a resort where they find a woman meditating in the
back yard. She invites them to sit down with her, the woman explains
that she is a “Love Doctor” and she is going to help them find each other’s “secrets of intimacy.” Chris and Carly put on robes, and the love guru lights up some sage and instructs them to “feel their bodies.”
She makes them sit back to back and meditate together and breathe
together. Chris tries to be optimistic, but he thinks the process is a
little strange. The love guru instructs Carly to blindfold Chris, and “play with his body.”
Next she orders Carly to bend over in front of Chris – and tells him to
feel her thighs, Chris and Carly are getting obviously uncomfortable.
As if their first date couldn’t get any
more awkward, the love guru instructs Chris to start “disrobing” Carly.
Once they get each other’s shirts off, Carly tells Chris that she feels “really uncomfortable,”
and Chris agrees – so they decide to leave their pants on. They get
dressed, and the love guru tells Carly to sit on Chris’s lap so they can
explore each other’s bodies with their hands – she makes them breathe
in to each other’s mouths without actually kissing. Afterwards, Chris
admits that their date was insane, however he feels much closer to Carly
than he ever did before.
Back at the hotel, Kelsey opens up to
the other girls and explains that she is a widow – her husband passed
away unexpectedly, and his heart stopped beating while he was walking to
work. Ashley I. is baffled by how nonchalant Kelsey is about her
husband’s death.
Jade, Meghan, Kaitlyn Whitney,
Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey all receive a date card
and learn that they are going on a group date. Kelsey is annoyed because
she desperately wanted a 1-on-1 date with Chris Soules, and once again
she is stuck sharing him with an entire group of other girls.
After their bizarre date with the love
guru, Carly and Chris sit down together for drinks and discuss their
experience. Carly confesses that she has a fear of intimacy – and her
ex-boyfriend never made her feel comfortable about her body. She thanks
Chris for making her feel comfortable, and admits that their date with
the love guru was really hard for her. When their date is officially
over, Chris presents Carly with a date rose.
The next day, the women meet up with Chris for their group date – he reveals that they are going white water rafting down the Rio Grande River. The guide
arrives and instructs the girls on safety rules on the rafts and then
they head down the river. When they hit some waves, Jade is thrown from
her boat. The instructor get her back in, and they head to the shore –
but Jade reveals that she has poor circulation and the water was so cold
that she can’t feel her hands or feet. Chris feels guilty and proceeds
to give Jade a foot rub, and of course all of the other girls become jealous.
After rafting, the girls and Chris get
changed and meet up for drinks. They are all determined to score some
1-on-1 time with Chris Soules, but they have a shock in store for them.
Chris is headed to meet them, and runs in to Jordan in the lobby. She
was eliminated in Episode 2, but
she drove seven hours to see him because she really wanted a second
chance with him. She explains that she was nervous, and drank a lot of
wine, to calm her nerves. Chris is shocked, he is touched by how genuine
she is being and sits down to talk to her.
Chris decides to invite Jordan to attend
their cocktail party, and the other girls are not happy. They all take
Chris aside one by one and rant to him about giving Jordan a second
chance and how unfair it is to them. Ashley I. is furious and tells the
other girls that they “have to be mean to Jordan.” Whitney
calls her out on being a “mean girl,” and thinks that if Chris knew how
she was acting he wouldn’t like her. The group date gets really tense,
and Chris takes Jordan aside and tells her that she has to go home
because he doesn’t have the heart to betray the other girls by letting
her come back. Jordan thanks him for being honest and chokes up as she
wishes him the best of luck.
Meanwhile back inside Whitney and Ashley
I. are still arguing over Jordan coming back. Jordan and Chris come
back to the party and she hugs the other girls and tells them goodbye.
Chis walks her out to her car, and hugs her goodbye. Chris heads back
inside and apologizes to the other girls for bringing Jordan on their
group date. There is still a date rose to be passed out, Chris announces
that it is going to Whitney – because she always makes him feel special
and he is excited about the potential they have. Whitney squeals and
accepts the rose, and gushes that she is looking forward to the future.
Ashley I. starts crying because she thinks that she should have gotten
the rose – she heads back to her room and rants to Mackenzie that
Whitney is “fake as s—t.”
The next morning Chris sneaks in to
Britt’s room at 4:30 in the morning and wakes her up and tells her that
it is time for her 1-on-1 date. She throws on some clothes, and they
head out of the hotel and hop in a car – it is still pitch dark outside.
They ride out in to the desert, and Britt begins squealing with joy
when she sees a hot-air balloon. They climb inside the basket and take
off – Britt feels safe as they go up in the air, because Chris is
holding her.
Back at the hotel, the girls are all
talking about Britt – they laugh that she doesn’t take a shower, and
they think that she doesn’t shower enough. Ashley I gossips to the other
girls and tells them that Britt is just “feeding Chris whatever he
wants to hear,” and she told her that she doesn’t even want to get
married or have kids. Ironically, Chris and Britt are lying in bed
kissing and chatting about how they both want to have 100 kids. So,
either Britt is lying to Chris, or Ashley I. is lying about what she
said. Back at the hotel, Carly is crying because she thinks that Chris
likes Britt more than her.
Britt heads back to the hotel and brags
to the girls that she was in Chris’s bed with him for two hours – she
insists that they just ordered room service and took a nap together. The
other girls are not impressed, Kelsey rants that she doubts they just
took a nap together. Kelsey heads upstairs to his hotel room, and
announces to him that she needs to have some 1-on-1 time with him.
Kelsey sits down with Chris and proceeds to tell him about her husband,
and explains that he passed away unexpectedly from heart failure. Chris
hugs her and comforts her, and then they begin kissing. He walks her to
the door, and Kelsey gushes that she knows she is getting a rose
ceremony tonight.
It’s time for the final cocktail party
before the rose ceremony, the girls are all determined to get some alone
time with Chris to ensure that they aren’t sent home – Whitney, Britt,
and Carly all received date roses, so they are safe tonight. Kelsey
brags that she isn’t nervous, but the girls are all baffled as to why,
they have no idea she snuck up to his hotel room.
Chris arrives, and apologizes to the
girls about how tense things got when Jordan showed up, he says that
today was a tough day for him and he and Kelsey had a “tough
conversation.” He begins stuttering and breathing heavily, and says he
needs a moment and walks out leaving all of the girls sitting there
completely confused. Chris Harrison follows Chris outside to check on
him – he just explains that this whole process is much harder than he
thought it would be. Kelsey explains to the girls that she visited him
in his hotel room and told him about her husband passing away.
Chris Harrison heads back inside and
says that Chris Soules is extremely emotional tonight, and they have
decided to skip the cocktail party. The girls all begin panicking and
wondering if they are safe, and Kelsey runs out of the room. Suddenly
they hear someone screaming outside in the hallway – it is Kelsey. The
EMT rushes to her side and yells at someone to call 911, they think that
she hit her head because she is lying on the floor…
THE END!
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