The Daily News

1   "Hey, your hair looks cute! What did you do to it?" said no student to me, ever.

2  Ah it's a living.

3  So much stuff to report today.

4   I went out and bought the cheapest coffee maker known to mankind after massive flooding by a state-of-the-art Cuisine Art coffee-machine-thingy-that-used-to-be called a coffee pot.

5   Don't get old.

6   You wonder why Walgreens is always flooded with old geezers.

7   The coffee thingy is completely old skool. It is a Mr. Coffee clone, only it has a better spout.

8   It still has that annoying Mr. Coffee spout that always managed to pour coffee everywhere except into the cup, but that's a known.

9  One on button and no other amenities.

10  How do you keep the coffee from smelling burnt?

11  You push the on button. If you push it a second time, it turns the thing off.

12  Remember those days?

13  Moving On, Part One: Oh, I forgot.

14  Since the coffee maker thingy was so simple, the instructions on how to use it were pretty basic.

15  Push on for on and off for off.

16  I didn't need to register it on the internet.

17   It did have one severe warning.

18   On the front page of the Operating and Safety Instructions it said this, in enormous

 fonts:

- FOR HOUSEHOLD USE ONLY -

19  

20  Thanks for the warning.

21   Can you just imagine if my kids were still little, and I had them sell lemonade out of that thing?

22

23  Dodged a huge bullet on that one.

24  The beast is officially contained.

25   I won't even use it to store marbles.

26   The message should be clear to most people: this thing is for household use only.

27   You take it camping and the ranger could detain you as a person of interest.

28

29   

30  It's the Man.

31  Right when you think there is still a Bill of Rights.

32   Ah, whatever.

33   Moving On, Part Two: How'd you like Part One?

34  

35  I overslept; get off me.

36  Anybody lookin'?

37   Ah, Wilderness.

38   Mornings, I swear to you.

39   Somewhere that little weasel George Stephanopoulos is warning me about not worrying enough about boushit.

40  

41   I bet that guy can't spell his own name.

42   Little weasel.

43   I'm convinced he works for the Man.

44   

45   No, for REALS tho.

46   That's how my students spell "though."

47   There's a reason I have a job.

48   

49   Who the heck invented Tuesdays?

50   They oughta be throttled.

51   Okay. 

52   Think we're handled.

53    I gottago.

54    I KNOW, I KNOW.

55    Don't cry. I'll be back. But I really really gottago.

56    If this seemed short, well, you're right. Have a cup of coffee and re-read. It's short. Short, short, short. 

57   Don't spill on yourself. 

58   In the meantime, have a GREAT day.

59   See you again.

60   Peace.

~H~