The Daily News
1 We're baaaaaaaccccccck!!!!!!!
2 Never missed a beat.
3 It's funny, because once again I time travel. And I remain insomniacal.
4 It was 4:52 a.m. as I began writing this.
5 Yesterday. Whoops. I mean the day before.
6 Anybody lookin'?
7 Well, yes. Here is the backstory. Time-travel along. Listen:
8 We have gotten rid of the kitchen/living room blinds, but it got too late Saturday night to put anything else up.
9 We have a huge set of windows that needs to be covered. Lots of light in the day. A pretty view of the yard at night.
10 I decided Saturday night to kick back on Le Luge, my Lay-Z-Boy that looks out on the world, and often, into my soul.
11 The trouble was, just a few days earlier, we experienced a petty theft at the house.
12 My fault. I left the door to the Altima unlocked. Is it even important what got stolen?
13 Wan't much.
14 Whoever did it stole a broken garage-door opener. They overlooked a roll of quarters in the door jacket.
15 He or she coulda had it all.
16 So on Saturday night, I faced doing my indoor walking as part of my all-day walking regimen. I kept looking out the windows, which looked nice as the sun set. The yard lit up, all prim and proper from new flowers and a quick early-Spring makeover.
17 Re-runs of American-Idol kept me time-traveling, and a tad disoriented.
18 As I walked and walked around the sink, into the living room, back down the hallway, and out to the yard, I went into deep-thinking mode.
19 I daydream when I exercise. Great thing to do, really.
20 I kept worrying about the middle of the night, a perfect recipe for insomnia, which, if you know me...
21 My concern was that in the middle of the night, imbecilic
miscreants might jump my fence, choose my yard, and break into my house.
miscreants might jump my fence, choose my yard, and break into my house.
22 I wasn't worried about money, nor riches, nor futures, for that matter, since I really haven't any of huge value.
23 I worried about violence.
24 I turned off the outside lights, which established an inviting fishbowl effect. I assumed morons would be drawn to such nonsense. If they felt nobody was home, they would likely strike. That is, IF they arbitrarily on some random night, decided to jump a series of random fences.
25 Seems a lot of work for a moron.
27 I decided to do this: I would create an outside barricade/booby trap combo.
28 I stacked a bunch of chairs and tables over all entrance areas. Three chairs leaned against the window, facing in. If I had barrel hoops, I'd have placed them in a sort of circular hop-scotchish design.
29 I even put UPS packing-air poppers across the cement as invisible pop floors. I put rakes and tools and other fancy things in strategic places: right where morons could step on them. I stuck jugs of water in front of windows.
30 And then I shut off the back lights. Pitch black, except for the light coming from inside.
31 I continued with my indoor-walking marathon, which fed yet more daydreaming.
32 At one point, I looked out to the yard, and I saw the chairs leaning on the glass. They were at odd angles, and as I walked, I thought that all of this would make a great plot for a horror film. Empty plastic chairs, looking into a house from the back yard.
33 The story could be about a guy really paranoid about morons, a mirror masterpiece of the exact thing that was happening. The guy would be an insomniacal mess.
34 Fast forward to the middle of the night. The guy in the story decides to sleep in the selfsame room and listen to rock concerts on his laptop, with headphones blaring McCartney doing a version of Purple Haze, and then throwing anecdotes out to the audience, stories about Hendrix, about Sgt. Pepper, and about Clapton. Hendrix popped a guitar string, the story goes, and asked Clapton to come on stage and string it for him. He had heard Sgt. Pepper and wanted to give a tribute to the Beatles by playing it a day or two after it had just come out. But his string broke, and he panicked. Eric was there, but didn't go up. The Hendrix version rocked anyway. Of course it would.
35 I kept walking, circling the window, and staring at the chairs.
36 As I walked, I pictured myself drifting off at around one or two in the morning, and then awakening at 3 a.m.
37 I would turn on the lamp, look out the window, and see dead bodies in each of the chairs. Blood and popcorn everywhere. Empty Milk Dud boxes.
38 I decided against thinking too much beyond that.
39 I awakened with the concert playing, the windows widely black, the chairs untouched.
40 Evidently I wasn't important enough for a moron even to attempt entry.
41 I sat back and tried getting back to sleep.
42 I never succeeded.
43 The result:
44 Items 1 thru 43.
45 Moving On, Part One: This all needed to be wrapped up yesterday early, because this morning I take off for parts unknown. Or I may not. I intend to be a phantom. THEN I realized I had no deadline. I do the Daily News according to the ESUHSD Easter schedule, so today, Monday, I don't need to get this one out, because school is back in session tomorrow, Tuesday. Time travel. And I just realized it yesterday morning. Get it? I almost don't either. I landed on Tuesday, the present, so what does it matter?
46 Meanwhile, enjoy the concert. I shall be all over. Here, there, and everywhere.
47 I could turn up anywhere in the coming days.
48 Am I trying to strike fear into the souls of the morons who robbed me?
49 Why yes, I am. But before I go anywhere, I might wish to clean up the popcorn and Duds.
50 It's just so messy.
51 Ha.
52 I gottago. Paul stopped throwing new stuff up in there, and turned the concert around with a stunning version of And I Love Her.
53 Bright are the stars that shine. Dark is the sky. I know this love of mine will never die...
54 I sang that recently to the twins. I sang it to my own daughters when they were real small. "...and I love her..."
55 Gottago. It's opening day for baseball. I shall listen to my Giants on the way back to the Bay. Thank God for baseball. Life begins. It happens every Spring. And so...this will publish tomorrow. Which is Tuesday. Which is today. Ha.
56 Oh, and thanks, Sir Paul.
57 The sound on the video goes in and out, and is fuzzy and stuff, which is just the way I like it. Who needs perfect anyway? I hail imperfection. Sometimes, you just need it.
58 You just do.
58 You just do.
59 See you again.
60 Have a GREAT day. More to come.
61 Peace.
~H~
fin.
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