The Daily News
1 Warriors!
2 Riding home last night I kept getting interrupted by the lovely Siri, but managed to listen to the game.
3 Barely. One announcer said that the Warriors are the greatest team in professional sports right now. It wasn't Tim Roye. I think the were passing the mic to drunks.
4 It IS true. They are certainly the most fun to watch, read about, listen to, and all the rest.
5 Looking forward to more, but what a tremendous accomplishment, hitting 72-9. THINK about that.
6 Dizzying.
7 Congtrats to the Dub Nation. What a ride!!!
8 Moving On, Part One: Been back and forth to the Bay Area to finish some things. Got home amazed at how easy travel seems to be getting.
9 I guess that happens. Good challenge to have.
10 I'm finally safe at home. I spent a lot of touring time this past week.
11 I THINK it was this past week. I got so busy I almost missed the Giants' home opener.
12 Moving On, Part Next: 123323
13 Sorry.
14 I got chocolate on my Apple.
15 It was not really in the 123 area, more in the QWAS area of my keyboard.
16 I generally don't eat where food can pass over the keyboard. And I normally take great care when chocolate climbs on board.
17 Each was the size of the dot of a keyboard "i."
18 I thought they were already on the keyboard as part of the Apple design. They lined up perfectly.
19 Added to the confusion, Apple places these little periods under APPS that are open so you will know with a quick glance to the bottom of your page.
20 At least mine does.
21 Turned out to be random chocolate.
22 It came right out when I tossed my laptop into the dishwasher. I didn't know you could do that.
23 Anyway...
24
25 You can't.
26 Toss your laptop into a dishwasher.
27 You have to admit I had you going for about a six-billionth of a second.
28 First day back in town and I'm leaning on cheap tricks to help move this thing along.
29 No rest for the wicked.
30 That would be me, here, now on a new Monday.
31 Moving On, Part the Thoid: Last week I got this priceless email from Rosi Hollinbeck.
32 I think today would be an ideal day to share it.
33 It is called A Message from the Queen. I assumed at first that Rosi was testing a new handle. When I opened it, I laughed instantly. Here is what unfolded:
34 Haha.
35 My DN peeps are working on all four humours, if that makes any sort of good sense to you.
36 God Save the Queen.
37 Thanks, Rosi. Got home last night and found myself at a loss for good copy.
38 I knew I wouldn't have time this morning as I have an eye appointment.
39 Yup. 10:20.
40 My first ever.
41 I'm looking forward to it, I think. I have used reading glasses for a number of years now, but I think I may be needing something a bit stronger.
42 Wish me luck. I'm a tad unnerved by it, but we shall see.
43 That was a rare pun that was not intended.
44 Decided to leave it in.
45 Good Ol' Me.
46 Anyway...
47 Gottago.
48 Have a GREAT day.
49 See you again.
50 Peace.
13 Sorry.
14 I got chocolate on my Apple.
15 It was not really in the 123 area, more in the QWAS area of my keyboard.
16 I generally don't eat where food can pass over the keyboard. And I normally take great care when chocolate climbs on board.
17 Each was the size of the dot of a keyboard "i."
18 I thought they were already on the keyboard as part of the Apple design. They lined up perfectly.
19 Added to the confusion, Apple places these little periods under APPS that are open so you will know with a quick glance to the bottom of your page.
20 At least mine does.
21 Turned out to be random chocolate.
22 It came right out when I tossed my laptop into the dishwasher. I didn't know you could do that.
23 Anyway...
24
25 You can't.
26 Toss your laptop into a dishwasher.
27 You have to admit I had you going for about a six-billionth of a second.
28 First day back in town and I'm leaning on cheap tricks to help move this thing along.
29 No rest for the wicked.
30 That would be me, here, now on a new Monday.
31 Moving On, Part the Thoid: Last week I got this priceless email from Rosi Hollinbeck.
32 I think today would be an ideal day to share it.
33 It is called A Message from the Queen. I assumed at first that Rosi was testing a new handle. When I opened it, I laughed instantly. Here is what unfolded:
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
34 Haha.
35 My DN peeps are working on all four humours, if that makes any sort of good sense to you.
36 God Save the Queen.
37 Thanks, Rosi. Got home last night and found myself at a loss for good copy.
38 I knew I wouldn't have time this morning as I have an eye appointment.
39 Yup. 10:20.
40 My first ever.
41 I'm looking forward to it, I think. I have used reading glasses for a number of years now, but I think I may be needing something a bit stronger.
42 Wish me luck. I'm a tad unnerved by it, but we shall see.
43 That was a rare pun that was not intended.
44 Decided to leave it in.
45 Good Ol' Me.
46 Anyway...
47 Gottago.
48 Have a GREAT day.
49 See you again.
50 Peace.
~H~
fin.
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