The Daily News

1  Thursday. 

2  My World Tour of the South Bay this fine week continues.

3  As you no doubt suspect, I've fans following me from city to city.

4  When you're one of the guys bringing the News to the Masses, you get no rest. 

5  

6  What was that?

7  Start over?

8  Anybody listenin'?

9  <crickets echoing>

10  Okay.

11  Here's the backstory:

12  I was all set to go out and pop in on people this week when I tried to turn over the T0000000NDRA. It was completely dead. Dead as a doornail. 

13  My trip to the Bay Area this past week demanded I have a solid working truck. The trouble came when I was packing to make the getaway. I knew the TOOOOOOONDRA was needed in order to take things to the recycling centers, as they are proudly deemed. I could do it, but time became a huge factor. I hate waiting, but I called a place to have a guy come out and get my battery going. They estimated a half hour, but he made it much quicker. I think this was Monday, but time distorts in 2016. Most people get this. This first bit all took place in Sac. It was Monday of this week. I'm sure of it. 

14  I put some food in the microwave. If you ever want a guy to come out earlier, just pop something into the micro. The second it's ready he or she'll show up with an obnoxious doorbell ring followed by a possible knuckle rap on the door. 

15  The guy showed up within seconds.  He came out in what appeared to be a stolen vehicle. I couldn't tell. I left the food and walked out to greet him. "Howdy!" I said, in my kindest voice.

16  His first words: "Howdy. I ain't too good at batteries."

17  He could tow you to Tinkerbell Land, but batteries: not his strength. I named him. He looked to me a lot like his name might be Svettcrak Desiree. His name could have been Yon Yonson, for all I cared. But Svettcrak it was. It might seem mean, but for me, it eliminates a ton of personal pronouns whenever I refer to him. It's a lousy way around it, but makes for a quicker piece. Style never was my middle name. 

18  I told him about the truck.The truck was dead, I told him. Dead as a doornail. My only job was to make it to the Bay, and to clear a garage out and get the stuff to recycling, return to Sac and leave everyone else alone. But the social guy in me thought that this week would be a good time to get out and see people I haven't seen in a while. Lofty thoughts. Oh, schedules would need to be juggled, trips taken back and forth, luggage and such moved from one vehicle to the other, but I figured I could still get out to see people and say hi.

I didn't expect a dead battery. I needed to show this to Svettcrak. I climbed into the T0000000NDRA to demonstrate the problem. 

19  I turned the key. Nary a click.

20  My own thoughts originally: get somewhere and buy a new battery. Put it in. Drive.

21  I got out-voted. My job was just to get down to the Bay, get a bunch of stuff, stick it into the back of the TOONDRA, take it to recycling, and rid the world of it. After that, my job was to vanish for the remainder of the week

22  Instead, Svettcrak Desireee shows up all dressed in hog.

23  He showed me some gadget that was as big as a box of matches, but that could jump a TOOOOOOONDRA. 

24  He knew nothing about batteries, but he did know how to operate this nifty device. The stuff of Rhode's, I'm telling you.  

25  It WAS about as big as a box of matches. For some reason, that struck me as funny.

26  

27

28  AnywayZ...

29  DISCLAIMER: The management wishes to alert the reader that there is no such word as "anyways." There is no "s" and certainly no capital "Z" at the end of the word. 

30  Uh...yeah. What he said.

31  Anyway...

32  Svettcrak called me over, showed me this device, and was all excited. He hooked it all up, hot wire to hot wire, ground to ground, and then stood back, proud of the get-up.

33  "See there how it hooks up hot wire to hot wire, ground to ground and all?"

34  I smiled.

35  "Yeah," I said.

36  "Waaaaaillll ain't she just a beauty then!"

37  I remember my first toy.

38  "Yeah, fun toy," I said. "Uh...you want me to start the engine now?"

39  "What?"

40  "You want me to start the engine?"

41  "Oh. Yeah. You watch. This'll start her right up."

42  I turned the key and the T0000000NDRA came alive. 

43  He talked over the sound of the rumbling engine. He showed me all sorts of digital numbers on the screen of the device. I couldn't read any of it.  

44  "Now see there? That number is supposed to be blah, blah, blah, and see there?" This went on for what I now consider to be years. He continued talking, while my head wandered. At one point he pulled out a mini-rubber mallet for popping the terminals on to the posts. Good name for them. Terminals. 

45  Moving On, Part Whatevs: It eventually worked. I got down to the Bay Area safely, drove all over the place, got over to Indy to see Ponch, then over YB to see Wolcott, and got up yesterday morning ready for more. Everyone in the house was prepping to go places, and I was ready to get out and have a little fun. 

44  They all were ready to go on a fun shopping spree. I went outside to make sure the TOOOOOONDRA would fire up. 

45  I hopped in and turned the key. 

46  One click, and then nothing. The battery would not start. 

48   I told those guys. They were already all buckled into the van, with all the babies in place and all. Taking time to hook up jumper cables was clearly out of the question.They told me to call the same company that had sent out Svettcrak Desiree up in Sac. I had a bit of a fit, but then relaxed. This was their day to shine. They had secret plans, and here I was with a dead T000000NDRA and no desire to wait around for another moron.

49  I selfishly assumed that going and visiting people was probably going to become a bust. I looked around the house for tools and couldn't find any. I had jumper cables, but...

50  It became one of those situations where nothing was where it was supposed to be. I figured I could just rough up the posts and battery-end thingies, the terminals, and then move on. Top post battery terminals. I looked it up. Not gonna lie. Good name. Is there a bottom post no one knows about?

51  Anyway. I got her all done. The T000000NDRA is back, better than ever. I scraped those things 'til they shone. All systems go. NASA couldn't have done better. 

52  I drove everyone else nuts doing it, but it finally got done. Meanwhile, the job they did here is glorious. I don't wish to say too much more. 

53  I dozed early last night, awakened at around 2 a.m. It was difficult sneaking this DN out there without waking babies, but I did. Well...let's just say I did both. Got this DN done and woke up babies. So I'm done. My business here is finished. At least for now.  

54  I just heard an engine turn over outside.

55  I think somebody is stealing the T000000NDRA. 

54  The good side: it turned right over. 

56  I gottago before these guys kill me for interrupting the night.

57  Have a GREAT day.

58  I fully expect to, and I can't wait to see the results!

59  Thanks for listening. See you again.

60  Peace.

~H~

fin.