Best cricket sounds ever. Hit this link, then open DN in new window. Adjust volume WAY low. Enjoy.

The Daily News

1 I shall preface this morning's DN with this: I talked all about the Sharks last night, and for a quick spell, about the Giants, who seem to have come alive.

2  Brandon Crawford with five hits, and Madison Bumgarner with eleven strikeouts AND a potential fist fight. Bleh, bleh, bleh.  

3  I'd go further into both those items, but I'm not quite in the mood. In an interesting way, they are already old news. I want to get with something a tad more current, as all this news comes at me far too swiftly these days. I'm just an old coot in a three-piece suit. So allow me to indulge and pursue a more peaceful path this morning. 

4  I spent a ton of my evening working in my back yard last night. 

5  I'd been working out there for weeks, watching over the flowers like a fiend, buying lawn furniture, cleaning fountains, and putting a yard together early this year.

6  It's tricky. The weather changes;  elements morph, and interruptions occur. 

7  Essentially, I'm like anyone trying to tend a garden in mid-May.

8  I find it fun, but challenging. 

9  Midway through the evening, I got frustrated. I discovered that on closer examination, flowers had dried out; areas had gone dry, and clutter had overtaken my entire patio. It happened little by little. I didn't notice it until last night. I had to take care of it all. I have been working out there a little bit each day, but never gave it a good once-over. I had too many mini-projects going. 

10  Last week, for example, I emptied my backyard fountains so that I could clean them without using chemicals or soap. Last night I walked out and they lay in two different locations. They both looked as though they had been shot. 

11  They were clearly ready for a quick cleansing and fresh water. In no time at all I got both of them polished and going. The sound of the water became that of several brooks. I smiled. It was the exact effect I wanted. So I smiled.

12  If you ever worked tech Saturdays on shows with me, you might remember what a good tech day was like. We would often hop on stage, turn a chair a millimeter to the left, or position a light a few shadows to the right, or maybe we would get bold, change the color of the cyc. At one point, it would all come together, and we would "light it down," put on some music, and gaze down at the stage. Techies do this all the time, any stage, anywhere. Well. 

13  A similar thing occurred in my yard last night. I laid down fresh soil, cleaned everything, tossed stuff that needed tossing, and before long, everything shone perfectly in the goodly night. 

14  I brought out some wine and glasses to put on a small cart that I had cleaned, hosed down, and positioned just so. It lit itself naturally by the soft glow of the porch light. I heard a few crickets. I put on some Bach, and then stood, enjoying the moment. And I'm not done yet.

15  <crickets>

16  That was a sound effect, not a boredom call.

17  Always a fun sound effect if used quietly. Listen.

18  Moving On, Part One: Let us move in a different direction. Over the years I've discussed Theatre, and all of its idiosyncrasies, but I've not emphasized sound design too very much. So let's do that, shall we? 

  To begin, sound is fun in Theatre. I think it is one of the keys to a successful show. Too much sound in a show distracts. Too little makes everything drag a bit. Subtle sounds work best, generally.  And sometimes, sound can add a wow factor to a tottering show. Make no mistake: sound design is an art of itself in any show. Here are a couple of fun anecdotes to illustrate just how fun this art can be. Listen:

19  I remember setting up some crickets when we did Midsummer a few years back. I listened to tons of sound effect albums, but really had to hunt down one that had subtleties and charm. I don't recall where I found it, but I found a CD of nature sounds. Probably got it off one of those racks you see in Target. The Sounds of Nature or something. Anyway, I found one lengthy piece that contained perfect cricket sounds. They were so perfect that we had nights when the cricket sounds seemed to come from areas where we had no speakers.

20 Eventually we discovered that when the sound system was turned off, the crickets still chirped, often into the night. My theory was that they might have been mating calls from real crickets, as we were going up in Mid-May. 

21  We tried not telling people how we got the effect, at least on the nights of the show. The idea that real crickets were doing mating calls during the show made it irresistible. Our audiences loved talking to us about it. 

22  Moving On, Part Two: My love for sound goes way back to my days of going to shows in San Francisco. There was a time when San Francisco had the best shows in the Bay Area, at least in my humble opinion. 

23  I loved going up to the City to see shows. It was always an event to go to the Curran, the Orpheum, or the Golden Gate back then. Beautiful theatres, and always a good night out. 

24  I learned a lot not only about live theatre, but of all its delightful elements, not the least of which was the fine art of sound design. 

25  Moving On, Part the Thoid: Permission to tell another quick sound story? Why thank you. Captive audience. 

26  The first high school show I ever directed was Don't Drink the Water by Woody Allen. I had been hired by Mills High School to fill in for Allen Knight, one of the best directors I ever met, and a goodly gentleman. He had taken a sabbatical, and Mills needed someone to do their shows.

27  Somehow, I passed the interview, and stepped in for Mr. Knight. 

28  The plot to Don't Drink is irrelevant, but the end of the second act needed a bomb sound. It's a cartoony scene where an angry mob throws a bomb into a window. We made a bomb out of I think a black ball, with a bunch of firecracker fuses tied together.

29  The gag is that the fuse goes out, the character, whose name is Magee, a captive priest named Drobney assures everyone that all is okay, that the bomb is out, and Magee tosses the abomination out the window. It's a Warner Brothers' cartoon from there. 

30  A moment of relief, a LOUD explosion, followed by a BLACKOUT.  

31  I posted auditions for explosion all around the school, bringing forth every science geek in town. I don't remember too many of the contraptions, but most consisted of metal, wires, mini-girders, and a few Rube Goldberg ideas, none of which came close to delivering the boom needed.

32  One guy even brought in a tape of a bomb going off. I gave my first of what would become many stares. 

33  He wilted, and backed out the door. 

34  Mills had a guy named Robert Bilby at the time. He was the tech guy who would help out at assemblies with sound and lights. He wasn't really a drama guy, but he knew how to get things done. 

35  I watched an assembly once where the sound failed, and Robert walked out on stage. Cheers of "Bilby! Bilby!" filled the place, and Robert good-naturedly gave a wave. 

36  I pulled him aside after having seen that spectacle, and asked him his name. Some loudmouth yelled, "His name is Bilby!"

37  "What's your name?" I asked. I had no idea that he even had a first name. 

38  "Robert," he said. 

39  I went on to explain to him what it was I needed. He sized me up. "I think I can bring something in tomorrow," he said. 

40  The next day, Robert met me and we went into the Theatre. "What do you have?" I asked. He never said a word, but instead pulled out what looked like a couple of barrel bombs. 

41  I had seen them on Fourth of July holidays growing up. A barrel bomb is a small tube filled with gunpowder, and with a fuse coming directly up from the middle. People swear to me it is a quarter stick of dynamite, but I'm not sure. I did know that they were illegal as hell. 

42  I looked at Robert. "You do realize those are illegal." I said. 

43  Robert nodded. 

44  "What's your plan?"

45  Understand that these were the days when you broke every rule in the book in order to get things done. My gamble was that if Robert could make this safe, and if I supervised, we could have the loudest sound effect in high school history. I knew how to use barrel bombs.

46  For the record. Or off the record. 

47  Robert replied. "The plan is that you fill a garbage can with water. Not all the way, just enough that this thing could go into the drink. They stay lit under water, you know."

48  Yup. 

49  "You put it on the end of a shovel. One guy holds the shovel over the garbage can, and the other guy lights the barrel bomb. Quite simple. The second it's lit, he turns the shovel sideways. The bomb plops into the water, sizzles for a sec, then explodes. You have your sound effect."

50  We couldn't really practice, but  we tried it once, and it worked. It was just about the loudest thing I had ever heard, in all of my life. 

51  We got enough for each show night, and from there, it was as simple as ringing a doorbell, playing a tape of crickets, or bringing up the volume on some music. 

52  It was just a bit loud. 

53  We ran three nights, as I recall. I remember Opening Night. The show had been really tough, because it was my first, and I was learning REALLY fast. The first act ran pretty well. The audience was courteous, and applauded when applause was needed. 

54  The end of the second act kept getting nearer and nearer. Dramatic irony: I knew what the audience was about to hear, but they didn't. I paced a bit, like Moss Hart. My heart pounded as I heard these lines coming from the stage:

55 

        From Woody Allen's Don't Drink the Water, end of Act 2:

Walter. What!

Marion. Burglars broke in--they stole the portable TV and all your shirts.

Walter. (Crosses below MAGEE.) I'm cursed. I'm a cursed caterer. I'm trapped here and somewhere there's burglars running around with my initials on their cuffs. (Sits on sofa, accidentally sitting on bomb, which he hands to MAGEE inadvertently.)

Susan. Dad, let's go home.

Drobney. (Crosses and sits with Walter; appeals to him.) Mr. Hollander, I beg you. I know he seems like a bungler, but he is actually bright and resourceful. He knows exactly what he is doing and you are in good hands. 

Walter. (Considers MAGEE for a moment. Although he doesn't believe it, he figures finally, what the hell, why not.) All right. We'll escape. 

Magee. (Crosses to u.r. of sofa.) Mr. Hollander, you have nothing to worry about. I'm in full control.

(Tosses supposedly dismantled bomb out the window and the stage is lit up with a huge explosion. When it clears, DROBNEY stares at MAGEE accusingly and says:)

Drobney. You're a nut!

BLACKOUT

56  The script clearly expects a huge explosion. Each night, that bomb blew the roof off the place. The audiences hooted and howled. And each night the audience gave thunderous applause. Don't Drink the Water was a huge success. 

57  Nobody ever asked how we got the effect. Nobody. I didn't think anybody would. They assume that theatre people know how to do these things. They were more right than they'll ever know.

58  Different times. 

59  Don't judge by 2016 standards. 

60  Anyway, how it got to all of this is anybody's guess, but it was sure fun remembering.

61  Regrets. I've had a few...

62  That's probably not one of them. 

63  Gottago.

64  Have a GREAT day.

65  See you again.

66  Peace. 

~H~

fin.