The Daily News

1  The story of how whatever-is-about-to-land-here-landed-
 here began last night.

2  We all ran a little late taking care of the babies, and by the time I was done playing Cirque du Soliel with them, they looked downright exhausted. Sweet, cute, and exhausted.

3  We had a few laughs with Josh and Caitlin, said our good-byes, and took off.

4  It was later than usual, so I decided to stop at Dickies BBQ Pit to get some ribs. I had a hankerin', and Dickies is top dawg in our neck of the woods.

5   I swept into Dickies, and instantly goofed on this old gal in dusty cowboy boots. She wore a bent-down cowgirl hat just so, and had three teeth and a jealous man. She smelled a lot like it wasn't her first visit to Dickies. I tried to get around her to get a closer look at the menu. This became one of those awkward moments where you keep dancing around the other person to try to see the menu, and it turns into a clumsy two-step. The guy shot me some angry looks, like I was trying to steal his woman. 

6  I felt like saying, "Dude. You're married to Broom Hilda on meth. Just let me order my ribs and get outta here."

7  Of course, we got out and the dude's '81 beat-down Escort was a rusty shoehorn away from my door. I waited; they jacked it outta there, and I was home free. I wondered if he knew that at one time his Escort was voted Car of the Year for 1981. (It was.).

8  I was particularly excited because I wanted to watch the Warriors last night. I got in, and began throwing together a salad to go with the ribs. 

9  Everything seemed off, including the Warriors. I'm sure my run-in with those two gunslingers did little to set things on a true course. To make the salad, I used borrowed croutons from Caitlin's house, some left-over turkey, some bacon, some organic romaine, and yogurt Caesar dressing. It felt wrong, but it tasted fine, and the ribs worked it. 

10  Of course, the meal was served at halftime, so I was trying to get some of this written early, watching the talking heads, and wondering how I was going to get this thing done before midnight.

11  The second we were done, the game came back on, but I really wanted to clean all the plates, shine up the kitchen, and have some Ghirardelli and Dove chocolates and coffee for dessert.

12  The coffee was left-over, but the candy rocked it. Within seconds, I settled in. The game rolled down to five minutes, and everything was great. The chocolate took hold, melting into every corner of my being. Life was good. 

13  I pulled out my laptop, hooked it all up, checked the news, and hopped on board to get this thing under way. 

14  Now, I'm pretty tech savvy, but one thing I've never managed was how to work without a mouse. I have pretty large fingers, and I would rather use a mouse than a small touch pad. 

15  I got all comfortable in Le Luge, when I looked around to see that my mouse was missing. 

16  I was rendered mouseless. 

17  I was fine, but I could enjoy neither the game, the writing, nor my dessert. I stopped drinking the coffee mid-cup, and became obsessed with finding my mouse.

18  I'm really good about not losing the little fellow. Needless to say, I became a blithering fool when it turned up missing. 

19  I allowed myself to become flustered. I've a theory about flustering: once you open that door, your mood takes over your fate. I took a sip of my coffee. It had turned cold. I was fine. I then grabbed hold of a Ghirardelli Chocolate Caramel square. It morphed. It became draconian. 

20  I tried opening the wrapper. It all crumbled and stuck together, then cracked and broke, the caramel pouring over the milk chocolate, pouring over the arm of Le Luge, and dripping slowly down the side.

21  I naturally jumped up, grabbed a handful of wet paper towels, and cleaned it all up. 

22  I then tried writing more of this. The words jumped up and down, the fonts changed, and the entire thing shut down. 

23  I looked at the clock. It was 9:45. I decided to travel for a new wireless mouse. I went to the nearest store, which was Raley's. I instantly remembered that they had a poor selection of computer stuff. They had school supplies and all, but not too much computer-related. 

24  And things close early in my neighborhood. I stepped outside the store, pulled out my phone, and Googled Fry's Electronics. One popped up, but it was already closed. 

25  I knew there was a UPS down the street, but I assumed they would also be closed, since they are union.

26  As much as I hated doing it, I decided to Google Fed Ex. It was open. I calmed myself, memorized the address to keep my phone fresh, and traveled down one of the main drags on my side of town. I wound up turning into a few places, but it was a bust each time. It was dark, but I was now a man with a mission.

27  I went through a brief clearing, and glanced to my left. There was our Fed Ex. First time I ever saw the place. I pulled in, the only car in the entire lot. Two people were in there, one middle-aged guy, and a young, hefty guy-or-gal toss-up. I decided not to ask for help. The place was tiny, and every Fed Ex in 'Murica carries wireless mice.

28  It was one of those moments where the entire store distorted, and I kept trying to stay focused, but I also was anxious to get home so I could get this written and get to sleep.

29  I finally gave up, and went to the counter. "Do you guys sell wireless mice for laptops?" I almost said "wireless mics" because I've bought way more of those over the years. 

30  The indeterminate person turned out to be a dude, and he gave me that, "We-used-to-have-millions-but-I-haven't-seen-any-in-a-while" look.

31  "Nope," he said. "We used to have millions..." and on and on. "Have you tried Wal-Mart?" He pointed to somewhere in the direction of the sky. "They're open 'til at least midnight."

32  "No, but thanks," I said, and I was off. I was a bit turned around, especially since he pointed to Alpha-Centauri, but I recovered quickly, thanking the Lord for Wal-Mart.

33  When I arrived at Wal-Mart, the place was a party. People were walking around with shopping carts that had kids hanging off every corner, dad's yelling at kids to "put that down, or you're getting nuthin!", and really helpful clerks. I headed for the Entertainment sign, hit an aisle, and caught this clerk's eye. The fluster dissipated, replaced by a smiling helper. I was a bit inside-out, and stood wondering.

34  "Need some help?" he asked. The evening was turning around. "Yeah. You have any wireless mice?" It sounded so odd to ask.

35  "Right behind you, man." I looked, and there they were. It was like finding the Grail. "And with those, buy cheap. They're all pretty-much the same." I knew this from years of experience. I also knew that they would come with batteries that might make it for fifteen minutes. I headed it off. 

36  "Do you have batteries?"

37  "Not here, but in aisle one, front of the store. That's our battery center."

38  I said thanks, and dashed to the front of the store. On the way, I bought two more Ghirardelli bars, so I could finally enjoy my coffee and dessert.

39  I got down to the front, and saw aisles 7,6,5,4,3, and 2...

40  Wherever aisle 1 was had shopping carts blocking it like Englishmen in tall hats. I did find the battery center, but the triple A batteries were on the bottom shelf, like they were trolling for catfish. I got down on my knees, found an eight-pack in near pristine condition. Gold. I thanked the Lord, and got up. I looked around for a checkout. 

41  There were only two checkouts open: long line, and longer line.

42  I decided to do the shorter line, but there was a gal who was about two feet to the left of the line in front of me. It was one of those awkward store moments where she wasn't sure whether she wanted to get some impulse-buy and lose her place in line, or to stay in line. 

43  I wondered what attracted her to buy something impulsively. Our Wal-Mart has strange items in the impulse areas.

44  The display she kept heading to was an entire display of bagged Epsom salts. I swear to you. The three main choices for impulse buys were Epsom salt bags for $5.49, Atkins shakes, chocolate, strawberry, banana and vanilla, and a ton of low-budget As Seen On TV Items.

45  I finally made it through all that and headed home. When I got in, I excitedly opened the stuff using scissors and a spate of impatience, knocking about three things to the ground, but still managing to plug in the new mouse. 

46  Good finally prevailed. I time traveled to real time. So. It is now 12:05 this morning; I had my Ghirardelli and coffee, want more, but am glad. I have some old movie flickering. Le Luge is clean and comfy, and I landed safely after a mad-hatting offshoot of Alice in Wonderland. 

47 Oh. And the Warriors won and now hold the NBA record for most consecutive home wins. 

48  And all turned out quite well. 

49  And that is the story of how-whatever-landed-here landed here. 

50  And now we are done, at least 'til Sunday night, when I bring you more nonsense.

51  Hope you enjoyed this. And...it is now 10:21 this morning. In the long run, it was all a lark. The old movie came to an end, as did last night. Some guy was left handcuffed to a tree. I think the movie was called The Outlaw. Now you know. O.K. I gottago. Oh.

52  Insignificant-But-Sort-of-Weird, Dept: Right after the film, there was a nun who came on to TBS talking about the problematic issues of race and violence in old Westerns. Who WAS the nun, and why was she even there? I had never seen her before, in all my years of watching that channel.  I hope she doesn't make a habit of doing this. Anyway, I gottago. Never saw that old nun coming. I swear to you, it was a weird night. In fact am I allowed to say it was a weird-ass night with a nun present? I don't care. I'm just glad it came to a nice end.

53  See you again. 

54  Have a GREAT day.

55  Peace.

~H~

fin.