1 Yesterday I did laundry. I needed to, because I was down to wearing a Captain America tee-shirt and green Cargo shorts. I had black socks tucked into Tevas, because I didn't want to track mud in with my Sloggers. Rain. Mud.
2 Long story. For the record, these sponsors are paying me mountains of money. But I digress. In any event, let's talk laundry, since it owns us. Here's how it does, and don't tell me this sort of stuff doesn't happen to you, because laundry owns all of us. So let's get crackin'.
3 I don't know about anyone else, but when Laundry Day rears its ugly head, I wind up wearing my worst stuff.
4 I wouldn't call all of it my worst (the Captain America tee-shirt shirt, for example, happened to be clean, and it replaced a pocket-tee that had a hole in the pocket, causing my glasses to slip on through. THAT shirt wound up in the recycling. My reading glasses bent and turned eternally crooked. Don't get old. Don't get young. Stay neutral and live with stuff that is crooked. Life in a nutshell.)
5 Right?
6 Well, right. Why am I asking?
7 Listen: I am officially a G' pa of Twincesses. Were this basketbalI, I would consider myself the sixth guy off the bench.
8 G 'pas take care of babies.
9 Babies cute them to death.
10 Yesterday I did laundry.
11 Yesterday morning.
12 I think it was yesterday morning.
13 Yesterday I did laundry.
14 Laundry owns us.
15 It dictates.
16 Laundry does.
17 So.
18 The Captain America tee was one of the survivors. I had a clean, long-sleeved shirt on, completely covering the Captain America tee.
19 Well, here's what happened. The babies spewed on my original shirt, the one that was laundered. I cleaned it with a wet towel, but had no spare. I unbuttoned it so the babies would be on my clean Captain America tee, instead of in their own cheese. That is my euphemism. Are you beginning to see where this is headed?
20 For the record, I change out the babies regularly.
21 Most times due to discomfiture. Sometimes I hold a baby so long that my arm forms into the shape of the baby, causing my bones to crack ever so slightly and remain in that shape for two or three minutes. Don't get old. I'm telling you.
22 You gotta love it.
23 I wound up holding Maren for around twelve years while she slept. Maren loves sleep, making her really easy to hold. I usually fall asleep with her, even though every book on babying tells you not to do that.
24 There comes a peaceful time each afternoon just before dusk, where the house is silent save for the teevee, and all is well.
25 I never fall asleep; I just linger in this divine peace. Babies do that to a person. Nothing nicer.
26 I had parked my car in Caitlin's driveway, but I knew I should get going before Josh came home from work so he could park there. Ritual.
27 I put Maren comfortably in her bassinet, looked on her, and smiled.
28 I knew then that it was time to leave. I went outside, where it was drizzling a bit; a light rain.
29 I decided to stop by Safeway to get something for dinner. I was still wearing the open shirt, my Captain America tee, Cargo shorts, black socks, Tevas, and newsie cap.
30 Not a good look, but I wasn't going to Prom; I was going to Safeway.
31 I like to make those trips short. Go in, grab stuff, get out, go home.
32 I grabbed all the stuff, and found a short line, God's greatest gift.
33 There was one lady in front of me, and then just me.
34 She left, and the clerk looked over to me.
35 "Hey, Captian America!" he shouted. "Are you Captain America?"
36 Not one, but two girls came over to bag my three items. They wanted in on the joke. I was humiliated.
37 "Are you Captain America, man?" he continued.
38 "Uh...I like to keep it a secret, man," I said.
39 I looked up and smiled. I thought it was a pretty cool retort. And for a brief second, I felt like a super hero. Then I overdid it. Do you ever overdo stuff?
40 "I have twins. I mean my daughter has twins, you know, and..."
41 That went South.
42 Being a G' pa comes with cringe benefits. What I was trying to do was to explain why I was wearing a Captain America tee-shirt like Superman mid phone booth.
43 I looked up and felt I was in a slo-motion moment in a movie, when everything goes silent.
44 SMH.
45 It's all about laundry sometimes.
46 I once wrote a poem that included the line, "That life is laundry I never knew..."
47 Yeesh.
48 Well, that's about all I care to share this fine morning.
49 Think it'll rain?
50 Gottago.
51 See you again. This was lofty. Have a fun day. I did. You can. Be seeing you.
52 Peace.
24 There comes a peaceful time each afternoon just before dusk, where the house is silent save for the teevee, and all is well.
25 I never fall asleep; I just linger in this divine peace. Babies do that to a person. Nothing nicer.
26 I had parked my car in Caitlin's driveway, but I knew I should get going before Josh came home from work so he could park there. Ritual.
27 I put Maren comfortably in her bassinet, looked on her, and smiled.
28 I knew then that it was time to leave. I went outside, where it was drizzling a bit; a light rain.
29 I decided to stop by Safeway to get something for dinner. I was still wearing the open shirt, my Captain America tee, Cargo shorts, black socks, Tevas, and newsie cap.
30 Not a good look, but I wasn't going to Prom; I was going to Safeway.
31 I like to make those trips short. Go in, grab stuff, get out, go home.
32 I grabbed all the stuff, and found a short line, God's greatest gift.
33 There was one lady in front of me, and then just me.
34 She left, and the clerk looked over to me.
35 "Hey, Captian America!" he shouted. "Are you Captain America?"
36 Not one, but two girls came over to bag my three items. They wanted in on the joke. I was humiliated.
37 "Are you Captain America, man?" he continued.
38 "Uh...I like to keep it a secret, man," I said.
39 I looked up and smiled. I thought it was a pretty cool retort. And for a brief second, I felt like a super hero. Then I overdid it. Do you ever overdo stuff?
40 "I have twins. I mean my daughter has twins, you know, and..."
41 That went South.
42 Being a G' pa comes with cringe benefits. What I was trying to do was to explain why I was wearing a Captain America tee-shirt like Superman mid phone booth.
43 I looked up and felt I was in a slo-motion moment in a movie, when everything goes silent.
44 SMH.
45 It's all about laundry sometimes.
46 I once wrote a poem that included the line, "That life is laundry I never knew..."
47 Yeesh.
48 Well, that's about all I care to share this fine morning.
49 Think it'll rain?
50 Gottago.
51 See you again. This was lofty. Have a fun day. I did. You can. Be seeing you.
52 Peace.
~H~
fin.
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