The Daily News

1  I have to be careful in my criticism of Cam Newton, already old news I trust, but worthy of my own take on how idiotic human beings can be.

2  I had never really seen a quarterback fumble, display anger, and then decide to fall back on the ball. 

3  I don't remember any sports figure display that much ridiculousness. Honestly. The cringe factor was almost unbearable. Oh. M'bad. Tyson. And around six thousand others. It's around four in the morning, so please allow holes in this script. But Cam. Dude.

4  I'll stop there. Know why? We've all been that idiotic.

5  In terms of his fourth-grade behavior and pouting, he's not going to fix that. Not yet, anyway. Let's get real here. I'll begin.

6  Here is a story about my own journey into organized sports: football, too small and not fond of working my ass off in hot weather. Baseball, awesome until some tall pitcher named "The Bird" threw me a curve that caused me to strike out looking, ending my career in a cruel and crushing fashion. Basketball, well, I thought I was the modern equivalent of Steph. Coach thought otherwise, so I rode the pines and was put into games only when we held a lead of over forty, and only with forty seconds left in games. My claim to fame was being put into a live game and getting called for three seconds in the key. I pretty much sucked at everything.

 The only sports left for me even to attempt were swimming, which almost blinded me with chlorine, and finally, wrestling, which I was able to handle. I vaguely remember in high school a wrestling meet where I acted like Cam Newton, which is sort of my thesis here. So this is my story of how I Cam Newton-ed. 

 Listen: In wrestling, I rarely lasted more than about a minute. As fate would have it, I finally got a chance to compete against South San Francisco, my childhood town. At the meet, I ran into a friend of mine who knew the guy I was about to wrestle. He told me that the guy was a wuss, and that he was easy to take down. I lit up like Sue Heck on steroids.

7  Allow Me An Honest Sidebar Here, Dept: I wasn't a very good wrestler. Whenever I tell students that I wrestled in high school, I preface it with that information, followed by telling them that my nickname was "Old Mattress Back." Sometimes I would change that to "Old Near Fall." They laugh, but it was sort of true.

8  So I was relieved to know that I might get a win against this alleged wuss. 

9  I remember getting really pumped. I was going to get this guy in three moves. 

10  The ref had us come forward and shake hands. I iced my opponent with an angry look, trying to psych him out. He looked back and did the same to me. Wrestlers do this. 

11  All I saw was his face. I didn't see anything else around me: not the gym, not the basketball backboards, not even the crowd. I focused on one thing: pinning this guy in three moves.

12  The ref explained quickly the rules I already knew, had us shake, and then said, "Ready? Wrestle!"

13  We circled each other, spooking with quick hands darting in, and then right back out. This went on for around ten seconds when he suddenly lunged and got my knee. I went down quickly and within seconds, I found myself looking up at the gym lights, and got into my near-fall defense: trying to arch my head on the mat to keep my shoulders from touching. 

14  He cinched up; I collapsed, and instantly looked over to the side, and to the face of the ref, whistle in mouth, head bobbing here, then there. And then I heard his hand slap the mat. 

15  I jumped up and screamed, dropped a huge "f-bomb" and needed to get out fast. I kept cussing, words you never see in the Bible, and my teammates surrounded me saying, "It's okay man!" "Calm down, you fought hard!" and other encouraging things. Good guys. A close friend came up to me and tried calming me down. I shoved him and stormed off to the gym lobby. 

16  I opened the door to the locker room and went in, kicking a locker or two.  I continued swearing. I might even have been crying; I don't remember.

17  When I calmed down, I looked up and saw a woman janitor mopping the floor. She held her mop still, and asked, "May I help you?" She wasn't mad; she could see I was upset about something. It calmed me.

18  "Nah, I just, well I just lost a match, got pinned, and I'm sorry about kicking things..." I was a tad embarrassed at that point. Oddly, her presence calmed me.

19  She gave a slight smile, seemed to understand, and then said, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're going to need to leave. This is the girls' locker room."

20

21  True story. 

22  When we got to the bus to return to school, the team captain came up to me. He talked quietly. "Behaving like that is not cool, dude." he said. "Way not cool. Cussing in front of everybody like that? Not cool."

23  I recall sitting alone on the bus, and staring blankly. Of course it was not cool. 

24  I got over it pretty quickly, and the team welcomed me at practice the next day. As a kid, I figured it was all okay, but inside, I didn't. I learned after that how to be a better sport. 

25  I don't think I fully learned it until I got much older, so for me to criticize a young Cam Newton is almost wrong, except that he preceded his baby tantrum with an enormous amount of taunting that, whether he was aware of it or not, was aimed at other teams. I'm sure he did it so fans would cheer, which is sort of fine. You have to expect that sort of stuff in the NFL.

26  The difference? Cam Newton HAS the skills. Magnify what happened to me on an international scale and it brings a bit less empathy. The difference is that he must have been told to tone that stuff down by his coach. The anger and frustration tantrum is at best cringe, but his shortness with the press and subsequent walk-off simply didn't read. He came off looking like a poor sport and an arrogant jerk, whether people like that or not.

27  Fortunately, in modern-day 'Murica, the entire thing becomes a non-story. See how quickly the Star Wars Christmas craze subsided. 'Murica gets controlled seasonally with massive propaganda every few weeks. Cam Newton is no longer news. He will be back as soon as the first commercial's for the start of the 2016-17 football commercials begin, somewhere in mid-July.

28  And so we now stare down the barrel of Valentine's Day, followed by Presidents' Week, the best break for teachers because it doesn't have a special day for going crazy and partying. 

29  It's a break that is a true break. 

30  I'm doing this thing until the end of this school year. It is how I have always done it, and let me tell you: I'm going to enjoy taking that week for myself, and for my family and friends.

31  The DN is in lock-step with the school calendar, meaning that beginning Saturday I will take a week off from doing this stuff, and then return on Monday, February 22, which is George Washington's birthday. So we get President's Week off, but one President still has people back to work on his birthday. I'm sure George is probably fine with it. What are my plans, you ask? Even if you didn't, I'll tell you anyway.

32   I'll probably stay put and get more exercise, and try to get healthier. I'm in the midst of my annual health kick.

33   This time for sure.

And with that, he gingerly rode off into the sunset.

34  AnywayZ...

35  <It's just "anyway." No "s." No "z."

36  I gottago.

37  I need to explore other arenas.

38  Hope you enjoyed my idiocy this fine day.

39  I promise more.

40  I'm better now.

41  Word of honor.

42  I am better now.

43  I stole that from Vonnegut.

44  See you again.

45  Have a GREAT day. Hope you enjoyed all of this nonsense. Again, see you again.

46  Peace.

~H~

fin.