The Daily News

Field of Dreams.

Maren.

Isla.

1  Garbage Day. Aways a celebration.

2  I enjoyed waking up this morning. 

3  I enjoy waking up every morning. 

4  The day I don't, I won't be around to enjoy stuff. I had fun hangin' with Josh, Caitlin, Helene, and the babies at the local pumpkin patch the other day. I forgot how fun it was to look for a princess pumpkin, a one-toothed pumpkin, or even a classic triangle-eyes pumpkin. You look at the pumpkin and then imagine it becoming any of those things. So much fun, and you forget about the world for a bit. 

5  This time of year, you shouldn't take the World Serious. 

6   

7   M'bad. 

8   It's just that no one is around right now, now being yesterday afternoon, and I just mailed off yesterday's DN after putting about six million hours into it. 

9  The funny thing about it is, I don't, and never really have considered myself a writer. I always enjoyed writing, but sort of the same way you might like going for walks, or reading in a folding chair under a tree.

10  After everything settled down from my quick retirement, move, and re-location to Sacramento, I got to sit and enjoy things.

11  If you count the years I've written the DN, you will count to twenty, when this year ends. 

12  I wrestled around as to whether I wanted to go into it even though I no longer teach in a classroom. 

13  It was never really a question: I wanted to finish what I began so many years ago. 

14  I had no idea where the heck I was headed, so I decided to allow my mind to take me where I'm going. I had a vague idea of continuing with silly remarks about sports, seasons, world events, and all the rest, but at one point I turned to bringing in a series of the best writing tips I could give to people. 

15  What made it tempting was knowing there are people out there who need to know the rules of the language, and how the outside world might shake its head if the same people are making grossly incorrect grammatical errors, especially on social media. 

16  AND I enjoyed that I could do it without falling victim to any control by anyone: I am finally free to teach what needs to be taught: writing. I could break every rule in the CDE and all the standards and all, and still throw some good stuff up in here, without the polite go-rounds of meetings.

17  Anything that begins with adults holding ends of yarn and walking under one another's armpits never played too well with me.

18  It feels dated. 

19  I LOVE my English homies, from both YB and EV, but in any high school, English has the most members in its department. 

20  AND...they all majored in pondering, which is cool.

21   It's HALLA cool.

22   Let me throw this at you:

23     How many English teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

24   Does it have to be a light-bulb?

25   And on and on. Anyway, I like this new form of teaching, without restrictions. It is liberating. Let's move on.  

26   Moving On, Part One: It's yesterday, mid-afternoon as I write this. I find myself stretched out on Le Luge once more, watching TCM and admiring Katharine Hepburn. She's a faith healer facing off a bunch of hillbillies who think she's a witch. The film is called Spitfire. It sounds like it's a good film, but I wouldn't know. Le Luge, my new/old brown Lay-Z-Boy-style chair is comfortable, and making me doze. I bought it a few weeks ago from some strange lady's garage, late at night. It's almost too comfortable, enough so that I'm not really paying attention to the film. 

27  It's background noise really, since I have the afternoon sun pouring in through the back windows,  glaring off the teevee. I just see ghosts of Katharine Hepburn, but I did see that she told those people off, but good. Katharine Hepburn is arguably my favorite actress of all time.

Katharine Hepburn as faith healer Trigger
Hicks in John Cromell's 1934 film Spitfire.

28  I don't recall ever seeing her do a hillbilly accent, but then I don't think too much this time of day. More often than not, I look out the window and then doze <cat yawn>.

29  It's just past two-thirty. 

30  That's the time you should make your dentist appointments.

31   Tooth hurty. 

33

34   That hillbilly posse from the movie just picked up all their guns and are on their way over to my place. They'd rather shoot me for my puns than burn Hepburn as a witch. I better make a run for it. 

35  

36   Anybody lookin'?

37   Moving On, Part Two: The guy next door has lawnmowers and leaf-trimmers buzzing loudly, drowning out Katharine Hepburn. It seems a heresy to me, but I understand. It's a sign I should get back to writing this stuff.

38   I should get back to work with getting another English tip or tool out there. So today I'm gonna be teachin' y'all yer fixin' to's. Here go:

a fixin' to       hillbilly for "I'm going to" or "I'm gonna."

EXAMPLES:

I'm a fixin' to.       I'm a fixin' to hit you upside the haid.

She's a fixin' to.   She's a fixin' to hit you upside the haid.

he's a fixin' to.      He's a fixin' to hit you upside the haid.

We all a fixin'' to.  We all a fixin' to hit you upside the haid.

WARNING: Today's DN is going to de-rail in 5...4...3...

39  Not gonna lie. I didn't write that. It's from an old movie, but for the life of me I can't remember which. I didn't author it though, and I'll get the name of the movie in good time. It isn't readily available online. And those are not the exact words either. Am I safe up in here?

40  How 'bout some normal stuff? I have some rat-a-tat rules that should come easily to you. All this comes to you from ...2...1...Warriner's English Compos...WHAAAAAAAT?

41  I just realized that the Warriner's Complete Course I've been using is entitled Warriners Composition and Grammar: Complete Course, and NOT Warriner's English Grammar and Composition: Complete Course. Warriner's English Grammar and Composition: Fourth Course is the one for sophomore English, but the complete course puts the Comp before the Grammar in the title.

43   I'm feeling sooo small.

44  There! That's better. 

45  Call me Ant Man!

46  Anybody lookin'?

47  The trouble with working through Blogger, the guys that I use to get this stuff out there, is that they constantly interrupt people's writing by throwing up this pink ribbon at the top of the page. In it are written words to the affect of We can't save what you just wrote. And it has a button that says, "Dismiss."

48  That reminds me of those movies and cartoons when some court jester tries to please the King. A goon standing at a lever awaits the King's order. If He is not pleased, He shall give the nod to the goon. When He does, the floor opens up, and the court jester falls through a hole.

49   I take a sentence and set it into a paragraph. As I edit the paragraph, I look up at the King. An invisible goon is awaiting a nod. It is a command that says, "Dismiss."

50  If you ever go to Blogger, you have two choices: one, get rid of it immediately, and search for another, or two, live with it. 

51  I choose the latter, because I always assume it is user error, but if I make a few minor adjustments it works. It just disrupts the thought processes and makes it tougher to get things done swiftly. It often takes hours to edit this stuff, as that pink ribbon pops up all the time. On the plus side, it's free! 

52  So I can live with that. Writing can't happen without interruptions anyway, unless you decide to make a hermit of yourself. Maybe that is the writing lesson learned today.

53  With that, I'll bow out for today. It's Garbage Day, always an exciting time. Why waste it on this garbage?

54

55  Just KIDDING.

56  I gottago.

57  Have a GREAT day.

58  See you again.

59  Peace.

~H~

fin.