The Daily News
Cast of The Middle
1 Got home early last night and put on some mindless teevee.
2 My number-one choice last night had to be The Middle. If you've seen the show, then you know. No brainer.
3 Pure mindlessness. No CSI. No documentaries. No magazines, no newspapers.
4 The Middle. Nothing like a nice dose of the Heck family.
5 I sat down, picked up the remote, and put my feet up.
6 Within a millisecond, the teevee popped on, and Axl was hollering at the entire family via a laptop.
7 It doesn't get any better than this.
8 And after around four or five exchanges, the teevee froze in place. Within seconds the screen turned into a Jackson Pollock painting.
9 And just as fast it grey-screened into a message that the signal had been lost.
10 It included five different ways to fix it.
11 The hideous grouch in me said, "Get a guy out here to fix it. Why should I have to read directions on how to fix poor service?"
12 I got scrambled.
13 I did remember that I should check different channels to see if they worked.
14 Scientific method, don't you know.
15 I did. They didn't work.
16 Somehow, for the second night in a row I was still able to write this stuff when everything else blacked out. Some miracle.
17 "But you're a teacher. You think for a living..."
---Rose, The Golden Girls
18 "Who needs metaphors? Come on, let's dance."
---The guy she was dancing with
19 It just went out again.
20 But it once again fixed itself enough so I could save this stuff.
21 I turned off the teevee. I'm having a hockey game with the internet.
22 It suddenly sparked up and allowed me to use it again.
23 I checked it in the face for challenging me. Hope I gave it a black eye.
24 It's doing better for the moment.
25 I consider this sport.
26 Part of the rules is that I get another writing lesson in before tomorrow noon.
27 I need a glass of lemonade, iced down.
28 You get iced-down lemonade when you become an official grouch.
29 An iced-down lemonade it is.
30 Accidental liking-verb juxtaposition in item 29.
31 Haaaaiiiiiiiiiii Ya!
32 Is that how you spell "high yah?"
33 Heck yeah.
34 I am riding the high seas. Hit a huge couple waves, but now things appear calm. Yeesh.
35 I just wanted to watch the Hecks. Instead I find myself in a wrangle with U-verse, which has become a comic villain.
36 And it has morphed to all of this.
37 Mercy me.
38
39 Aw, shucks.
40 <built-in Super Ego>
41 Not goin' down that slide.
42 Oh yes, allow me at this stage to Google Freud, or his nephew, Eddie Bernays.
43 Super-Ego is a Freudian term which translates roughly to the I-Must-Look-Cool-to-my-Public police. Edward Bernays was Freud's nephew, who believed if you allow the people to live without propaganda, they will become savages.
44 How did I wind up here?
45 I just wanted to watch The Middle, enjoy a glass of lemonade, iced down, and float this out there.
46 I'm frightened at the very prospect of attempting a writing tip, let alone a writing tool.
47 The sky appears not to be falling, so perhaps we can give it a go.
48 This sky's in love with you.
49
50
2 My number-one choice last night had to be The Middle. If you've seen the show, then you know. No brainer.
3 Pure mindlessness. No CSI. No documentaries. No magazines, no newspapers.
4 The Middle. Nothing like a nice dose of the Heck family.
5 I sat down, picked up the remote, and put my feet up.
6 Within a millisecond, the teevee popped on, and Axl was hollering at the entire family via a laptop.
7 It doesn't get any better than this.
8 And after around four or five exchanges, the teevee froze in place. Within seconds the screen turned into a Jackson Pollock painting.
9 And just as fast it grey-screened into a message that the signal had been lost.
10 It included five different ways to fix it.
11 The hideous grouch in me said, "Get a guy out here to fix it. Why should I have to read directions on how to fix poor service?"
12 I got scrambled.
14 Scientific method, don't you know.
15 I did. They didn't work.
16 Somehow, for the second night in a row I was still able to write this stuff when everything else blacked out. Some miracle.
17 "But you're a teacher. You think for a living..."
---Rose, The Golden Girls
18 "Who needs metaphors? Come on, let's dance."
---The guy she was dancing with
19 It just went out again.
20 But it once again fixed itself enough so I could save this stuff.
21 I turned off the teevee. I'm having a hockey game with the internet.
22 It suddenly sparked up and allowed me to use it again.
23 I checked it in the face for challenging me. Hope I gave it a black eye.
24 It's doing better for the moment.
25 I consider this sport.
26 Part of the rules is that I get another writing lesson in before tomorrow noon.
27 I need a glass of lemonade, iced down.
28 You get iced-down lemonade when you become an official grouch.
29 An iced-down lemonade it is.
30 Accidental liking-verb juxtaposition in item 29.
31 Haaaaiiiiiiiiiii Ya!
32 Is that how you spell "high yah?"
33 Heck yeah.
34 I am riding the high seas. Hit a huge couple waves, but now things appear calm. Yeesh.
35 I just wanted to watch the Hecks. Instead I find myself in a wrangle with U-verse, which has become a comic villain.
36 And it has morphed to all of this.
37 Mercy me.
38
39 Aw, shucks.
40 <built-in Super Ego>
41 Not goin' down that slide.
42 Oh yes, allow me at this stage to Google Freud, or his nephew, Eddie Bernays.
43 Super-Ego is a Freudian term which translates roughly to the I-Must-Look-Cool-to-my-Public police. Edward Bernays was Freud's nephew, who believed if you allow the people to live without propaganda, they will become savages.
45 I just wanted to watch The Middle, enjoy a glass of lemonade, iced down, and float this out there.
46 I'm frightened at the very prospect of attempting a writing tip, let alone a writing tool.
47 The sky appears not to be falling, so perhaps we can give it a go.
48 This sky's in love with you.
49
50
51 OMG. We are so policed.
52 I love that you love reading this.
53 I broke the fourth wall to let you know.
55 A pie-in-the-face for being a sleepy bulldog.
---John Sebastian, Daydream, The Lovin' Spoonful
56 What a day.
57 What a day. Somewhere in here I may have planted a writing lesson. It's tough when insanity rears its bricks and loam.
58 Gottago.
59 Love yous.
60 Peace.
~H~
fin.
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