The Daily News
1 I'm going deaf.
2 Pretty sure.
3 Every time I enjoy quiet, something screeches, pounds, booms, or vacuums.
4 I keep finding myself in noisy areas.
5 I always enjoy listening to music loudly, because music brings joy to my life. Always has.
6 I never had a sound bar until last Christmas. I used to use my small Altec iPod dock to enhance movies and football games, but never had a full-time sound bar.
7 I didn't really notice 'til summer hit, but I would hear ringing in my ears just walking down the street.
8 I would yell at a crow, if it cawed at me.
9 "Hey. Your Mom's a crow."
10 Nah. I didn't start saying that until I heard my cousin-in-law and often-partner-in-crime and mischief Jeff yell back at a crow on Pope beach in Tahoe. It yelled, "Caw!" during a beach silence and then gave him the stank eye. It then pattered along the sand a step or two and then cranked its head like it was Adam Levine or something.
11 With little hesitation Jeff looked up from a book he was reading and tossed that line right back into its crowy face. "Hey!" he said. "Your Mom's a crow!"
12 The best part of that moment was the thing crossed its face, bore an angry beak, and hissed.
13 My ears started ringing shortly thereafter.
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15 You had to be there. You just had.
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17 Moving On, Part One: Remember when Abe Lincoln had issues?
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20 Me neither.
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24 Moving On, Part Two: I had a touch of writer's block yesterday and decided to look over some jokes online.
25 This is filler.
26 Most funny jokes aren't funny, so you have to search. I found five in a row.
27 Howzbout we pass the time throwing some of these out to my DN crows?
28 Oh! For the record, I didn't write these! I found them from a Facebook source that credits onepoll.com. Here:
50 funniest jokes ever told
Don't blame me. Blame THESE blokes!
Ready? Here you go:
29 So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
30 Thank you Mr. Sensitivity.
24 Moving On, Part Two: I had a touch of writer's block yesterday and decided to look over some jokes online.
25 This is filler.
26 Most funny jokes aren't funny, so you have to search. I found five in a row.
27 Howzbout we pass the time throwing some of these out to my DN crows?
28 Oh! For the record, I didn't write these! I found them from a Facebook source that credits onepoll.com. Here:
50 funniest jokes ever told
Don't blame me. Blame THESE blokes!
Ready? Here you go:
29 So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
30 Thank you Mr. Sensitivity.
31 Ha! SO bad it's good. You may pie me at any time.
32 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
33 I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
34 Credit that last one to the late, great Tommy Cooper.
35 And we're not done yet. Should be, but not. Love this one:
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Guy asks the Doc, 'Is that common?' Doc replies, 'It's not unusual.'
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36 In honor of all the twins out there, I throw this one into the mix:
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
37 Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
33 I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
34 Credit that last one to the late, great Tommy Cooper.
35 And we're not done yet. Should be, but not. Love this one:
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of Home.' Doc says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Guy asks the Doc, 'Is that common?' Doc replies, 'It's not unusual.'
36
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
37 Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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38 The last one reminds me of a time as a much younger teacher, I had an I'm-reaching-them moment teaching Poe. I warmed the students up with a you-teach-me thing I called Whatdya Know About Edgar Poe. I popcorned it with kids, starting slowly, and then they all started putting their hands in the air. "He wrote weird stuff!" "He was a drug addict!" "He wrote that one about the old man getting chopped up!" I responded, "Yes to all, and good, yes The Tell-Tale Heart!
39 "What else did he write?" "Annabel Lee!" chimed a bright girl. "What else?" I asked. "The Cast of Amanatelli!" I instantly corrected, "That's The Cask of Amontillado, but good, excellent, what else?" I noticed one kid in the back who NEVER paid attention, and even he was engaged. He had a smile on his face and seemed to enjoy the activity. He was this quiet kid named Jose.
40 I kept on. "What else, a famous one!" "That one with the guy in the pit!" "YES! The Pit and the Pendulum! But what famous poem are we leaving out?" You aren't really supposed to lead the witnesses, but we all do anyway.
41 All ears and braces. I looked over at a shy girl named Andrea. I knew she knew. I called on her. "Andrea!"
42 "The Raven!"
43 I threw my hands in the air and triumphantly screamed, "YES!!!" And what one word did the Raven repeatedly say?" I looked over and Jose threw up his hand. "YES, Jose?"
44 Without hesitation he yelled back, "CAWWWWW!!!"
45 Full circle. The class exploded, my heels swooned.
46 Those moments, I'm telling you.
47 Jeff would have said, "Hey..."
48 Gottago.
49 See you again. This was fun.
50 Peace.
~H~
fin.
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