The Daily News

1   Wednesday.

2   Hump Day.

3   Who came up with THAT one anyway?

4   

hump day

noun

The middle of the workweek, usually Wednesday, seen as the hill to get over in moving toward the weekend and time off (1965+)

"hump day." The Dictionary of American Slang. 25 Aug. 2015. <Dictionary.com

    http: / / dictionary.reference.com/browse/hump day>.

5   

6  Welp, we still don't know who came up with the term, but I can tell you this: This is the last time I use any sort of formal citation in the DN.

7  You'll have to trust my boushit from now on.

8   I started citing resources and before I knew it the spacing on this edition of the Daily News became more uncertain than the spacing of my teeth.

9   No mas.

10  I almost made the mistake of going to the Oxford English Dictionary to find the info, but once you start exploring the OED, all bets are off. Thems peoples is fierce.

11  Screw that.

12  I just like to horse around. I hope none of you out there want me to turn into an effete snob.

13  Moving on, Part One: I don't want to open the proverbial can of worms, but did you know that Sacramento doesn't have speed bumps except in supermarket parking lots?

14  Nope. Instead they have Speed Humps, Speed Lumps, Undulations and Tables. 

15  Ah, the City That Doesn't Always Know How. 

16  Who NAMES these things?

17   You want a breakdown?

18   

19   I'm SERIOUS.

20   Here go:

21   Speed Humps are small hills on the street. They are around two feet across and cover most of the street. They are intended to slow traffic down. They are also a means of ruining your front end. 

22  Speed Lumps are designed the same, but they have indentations in them so that fire engines can drive right through them because they fit fire engines. Or they supposedly do. Unfortunately they DON'T fit normal car wheels, so that your tires get jarred every time you go over them.

23   Undulations are two successive Speed Humps that are around thirty feet apart. You undulate over both, causing a wavy sensation that puts strain on most normal people's necks. The purpose of Undulations is to shatter your nerves.

24   Tables are Speed Humps that are longer, like a table with leaves. Their purpose is unclear to your average citizen, and therefore seem irrelevant. 

25   To contrast, San Jose has speed bumps, like most normal towns. 

26   Moving On, Part One: Anybody lookin? 

27   I can't make this stuff up. Here:

28  For the life of me I would LOVE to have been at the meeting when the guy who pitched this pitched it. 

29  Imagine me and Ponch sitting in on that one.

30  Pretty sure we would have gotten the giggles beyond any human control.

31  That has happened to us on a number of occasions.

32   Can you even BEGIN to imagine?

33   Chair: We now have a presentation from Natomas resident  P. Eloise "Sleazy" Fenmore about re-naming our speed bumps. <polite applause>

34  Some people have too much time on their hands.

35   Moving On, Part Two: Do you find yourself running out of coffee creamer almost every other day?

36   Bleh. It isn't a big deal, because I normally stay on top of that one, but this morning I ran out, and ran to the store to grab some.

37  <basketball buzzer>

38   I completely forgot that we are down the street from a grade school.

39   The traffic was like after a Niner game at Candlestick, if you can relate.

40  Bumper to bumper. And then I got behind someone who appeared to be turning left down my street, which had clowns and balloon-animal makers walking around. 

41  I got patient and waited.

42  And waited.

43  Finally I saw two women walk up to the driver in front of me, exchange a few words, and then they walked behind the car and started pushing it. 

44   

45  I looked down at my little bottle of creamer and sighed.

46   Human sacrifice.

47   If that's my biggest problem I got no problems.

48

49   Here.

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52

53   Slow news day.

54   Still.

55   Bet you never saw that comin'.

56   I'd wish you a Happy Hump Day but I consider myself an effete snob. 

57   I better get outta here.

58   Have a GREAT day.

59   See you again.

60   Peace.

~H~