The DN

1   Just flew in from Back-to-School Night and boy...

2   

3   Lonnnnnng day, GREAT night!

4   Every year I stress about BTSN and every year I find it thoroughly exhilarating. 

5   I haven't stopped working on this project for two weeks, and it all paid off.

6   It requires a LOT of set design. 

7   If you read yesterday's news, you might know that this particular BTSN coincided with grades being due.

8   No pressure.

9   AND...

10  With constant battles with machines.

11  Okay. 

12  I get that the great Charlie Chaplin was ahead of the entire world when it came to Man vs. Inanimate objects. 

13  That was, to me what made Chaplin one of a kind. 

14  The concept is simple: Whoever rules the universe LOVES to throw inanimate objects our way, just to see if we can deal with them. 

15   According to the Book of Chaplin, we inevitably lose.

16   Here are a few examples: After I worked on the sign-in sheets for BTSN, I decided it might be a good idea to go to the break room, throw the copies on the copier and grab the salad I put in the fridge.

17   <basketball buzzer>

18   I got to the door of my classroom, realized I needed to bring some paper for copying, needed to bring some water for when I would find and eat the salad, and THEN move to the break room.

19   <second basketball buzzer>

20   I grabbed the paper from a convenient ream, placed the paper in my left hand and the water in my right. 

21   Here's what happened:

22   The top of the water bottle popped off and the water drenched my original copies. 

23   SO Salvadore Dali.

24   It spilled the rest on all my sign-in sheets. 

25   They drooped. 

25    You can't allow them to droop. 

26    I instantly took action.

27   I made new sign-in sheets and threw the old ones into the recycle bin. 

28   After that I dashed to the break room with the new sign-in sheets, ready to run them, get my Cafe Salad out of the fridge, eat, dash back upstairs, splash my face with water, and finish organizing the room.

29   <basketball buzzer>

30  I reached the usually empty break room when the door swung open. Tons of Leadership kids had just pumped themselves up for the evening's duties. They marched directly out the door; some stayed. I turned on my pliant cane and ran back up the stairs and into my classroom. 

31   I decided to re-group. I still had to make the sign-in sheets, but let my personal printer do it. Much easier. No salad, but I got on that one.

32  I realized I didn't have a name sign outside my room. Got on the puter, found a Cougar logo and made the sign. 

33  I'm not really crafty. I build big stuff, but hanging things straight was never one of my strengths. 

34  But I let my A+ students take over. How would THEY do this? They would slow down, line things up, and put two-sided tape on each corner of the paper.

35  I'm trying my best to get this perfect. I put the tape on three corners, but my hand nudged, so the fourth piece of tape peeked over the top.

36  My A+ students would not have done that. I crumpled it up, shot it into the recycle bucket and ran another. I worried that my color ink would run out, but it didn't.

37  This time I looked like a surgeon, meticulously lining up each corner of the paper with the tape. 

38  Got it. 

39   I went outside my room, lined it up precisely and stood back. 

40   Perfect.

41   Except for the wrong room number.

42

43   "Are ya KIDDIN' meeeee?" I remarked. I looked around and noticed a parent hanging out down the hall. 

44   I moved back inside, corrected that one, and broke into a smile. "At least that one is done." I thought. 

45   The clock ticked. I dashed back to the break room, figuring the students were now out and doing their duties. 

46   I looked into the window of the break room and saw they had dashed. 

47   I got in, and WAY carefully grabbed the salad. It was one of those ones that has some stuff upside down and some right-side up. It is designed to spill all over the place. You may have had the pleasure. 

48  I went Zen. I microscoped. It had some sort of pepper in the dressing and looked delish. I challenged the fates, took it all apart, ate neatly and chucked the remaining lettuce into a nearby trash can.

49   The clock ticked. 

50   I ran back upstairs, got in my room, grabbed a water and headed back to the bathroom to splash my face AND to check my teeth for runaway pepper. 

51   I found one. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I quickly gargled the water, but the bloody thing refused to cut loose. I took my fingernail and nudged at it.

52   My gums didn't like it and began bleeding. 

53   "Omigod I'm going to look like Dracula!" It became Draconian. Heck, I felt like Draco. 

54   I got back to my room and realized I have no mirror. 

55   The older I get the more I despise mirrors. They are a necessary evil, granted, but still. 

56   No mirror. 

57   I grabbed my phone, turned on the camera and pushed the selfie button. Is there anything more terrifying?

58   I smiled, but it was fake. Teeth looked fine. All was good.

59  I remembered the sign-in sheets, and that I hadn't put the periods on them. I color code the periods so they are easy to find, but realized I didn't have the right color pens, and the others were behind the sliding white board, which I was using to display some of the magazines the students designed. I didn't want to touch them because they looked amazing. 

60  Things were just about to start. The bell rang. The Principal's voice boomed, "Good evening, my name is..."

61   Our first class of the school day is my prep period, so I relaxed a bit. The only thing I had left to do was pop the class periods onto the sign-in sheets. 

62  I needed the pens. I went through all of my drawers, bags and cubbies. 

63  I rememeber I had tossed my back pack behind me and in front of the Cathedral window behind my desk. SURELY there would be markers in there. I unzipped it, plunged my hands and felt something in a baggie. I pulled it out. 

64  It was some sort of food that had been in there for a while. It was in the stage of turning and tossed a puff of "Toss me out now!" I opened the door to go into the hallway, looked to my immediate left and the garbage can near my room had disappeared. Another look of horror. The other one was around a hundred yards away, and we already had people walking the halls looking for classrooms. 

65  I pretended that I didn't have this soggy thing in my hand and asked the parents if they needed any help. I directed them where to go. The second they were gone I turned and slam-dunked the concoction into the trash. 

66   Dashed back to my room, looking in on how other teachers were doing. Not many parents. Got in the room, doused my hand with sanitizer, AGAIN went into the bathroom and scrubbed myself like a hospital intern. 

67  Ran back to my room, found some pens, and wrote all the class periods on the sheets when the bell rang for my night to begin. Our talks were much shorter than I had prepped, but I was cool with it. 

68  Everything went wonderfully; I made a few minor errors, but my room filled up every period. It rocked meeting all of my students' families.

69  At the end of the night, Lauren, our Principal came on the loudspeaker saying good-night, and said, "And let's give the teachers a break; they want to get home!"

70  Class act.

71  Gottago. 

72   See you again.

73   Peace.

~H~

fin.