The DN

1  A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head."'

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3   Anybody lookin'?

4   We're baaaaaaack!!!

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7   Welcome to the DN, 2015. It is officially 19-years.

8    You'd a thunk it woulda improved.

9   <basketball buzzer>

10  AND it's just as transparent and out there as evuh.

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12   "evuh." Who SAYS that?

13    I must say I have my goggles on and am ready to fly this double-winged piece of rust through ice and storms in order to cause hot oatmeal to fly out of people's noses.

14   So far I haven't succeeded. 

15   At one point I'll get this right. 

16   Anybody make resolutions? I've already broken sixty of 'em.

17   For example, my first thought was this: "Go green."

18   The next thing I know I've got a lunch banquet from King Egg Roll that is one of the tastiest all-toss clean-ups EVER.

19   I instantly ran out and bought a 200-pack of paper plates from the Grocery Outlet, a huge box of light weight cutlery, and a twenty-three pack of red Solo cups for parties. 

20  No dishes!

21  Green schmeeeeen. 

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23   Anybody lookin'?

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25   No apologies. 

26   People who know me know I have a tub out back that catches rain water and that utilizes one dish with white vinegar, which I also put on my wounds. I chase it with kale and a handful of natural blueberries fit for tomato-faced congressmen with white, wavy hair. 

27  Another resolution is for me to use normal words instead of pretentious words <See "utilizes" above.> That word should be blown up with a time bomb. Use use. Duh. 

28  That's an impossibility ever since they introduced the word "pedagogy" into the language. 

29  Or nouveau-hip words like, "ramp-up."

30   "We're going to roll-our the new pedagogical core SS's and utilize all our efforts to ramp-up crap in the classrooms."

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32   Time to soak that one.

33   I might as well grab one of those huge leaf brooms they have at Home Depot, drive down to the ocean, and try to rid the shores of sand. 

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35  Betcha never saw THAT one coming!

36  Moving On, Part One: Kudos to my daughter Nicole for bringing rise back to the infamous Goof Off Club, which I flounded years ago when education first took a turn for the worse. I decided family and friends spend WAY too much time enslaved by whatever job they have, and so I would post a prompt to everyone. 

37  It would be something like this: Who got issues?

38  Simple concept. Throw that out to ten of your wittiest friends and you will get an assortment of answers. You may explain, or not explain. 

39   It was usually a list of ten. 

40   You would then do as little as possible to make other people feel important, and when nobody's lookin' check your emails. The answers would float, but generally not until someone would reach ten. 

41  It is the stuff of hot-oatmeal going through the nose, especially since they would arrive many times an hour apart. Who got issues?

42  By the looks of the guy doing the cannonball (scroll up), I'd have to consider him a major candidate. 

43  I'll get back to that one, but any Original GOC people, check your Facebook and dive in. (I was an Original GOC guy.) That's right: I was an O.G. 

44   Not EVEN gonna lie. 

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46   Who got issues?

47   Any Pope.

48    Play around today. I hope to do as little as possible.

49   I'm ready though. 

50   Everyone I saw during the holidays, loved seeing all of you. Took my mind off my crazy neighbor who has gone off his rocker. 

51   He screams at people, threatens to pop their tires, just yesterday he put the hood of his truck to the nose of his  speedboat and careened down the block with it, almost taking out two Maple trees, an old Ford, and a guy with tattoos for hair. I gotta LIVE like this. 

52   Anybody lookin'?

53   I gottago. 

54   It's Monday. Fly low.

55   You just gotta make it to Tuesday, which should be eliminated as a day of the week, but I rant. 

56   Lovely having you back. Good times. 

57   See you again. 

58   Peace.

~H~