2 I wrote yesterday that the day would turn awesome.
3 Or words to that effect.
4 This morning's news wrote itself. I had another DN written, but after picking up the Merc, I had to share a few things.
5 Why?
6 It's entertaining.
7 To wit: On page A2 each day they have a piece called Good morining! In caps, it boldly tells you to START YOUR DAY HERE.
8 Anybody lookin'?
9 Next to that it has the word "People" and a byline of a guy named Tony Hicks.
10 I'd cut/paste for you but I did that last night with one letter and wound up rewriting about fifteen items that suddenly were whited out. Expletives deleted for the older set. Or at least it looked like a released government doc.
11 But I digress.
12 Who, me?
13 All Mr. Hicks did was report on some news on Justin Bieber, but he did so with surgical skill.
14 And with proverbial tongue proverbial planted in proverbial cheek.
15 Here is the article. It's definitely worth some laughs.
Police find weed in Justin Bieber's SUV after arrests
Police found marijuana in the Escalade they seized at Justin Bieber's house Tuesday, TMZ said.
And in more surprising news, the sum came up in the east this morning.
Police took the vehicle after arresting one of Bieber's bodyguards and a driver on suspicion of stealing the camera of a photographer outside an amusement park where Bieber was...I don't know, doing shirtless bong rips on the Tilt-a-Whirl or something. Police followed the men to Bieber's newly rented home outside and recovered the camera.
Apparently that's not all they found. TMZ said the police report indicated officers found less than an ounce ofpot and two large pipes with weed residue.
Maybe Justin Bieber has glaucoma. Sources said there wasn't enough pot to charge anyone with a crime.
And in other exciting news of Canadian pop stars burdening America's legal system, video has emerged of Bieber stumbling during a sobriety test at a South Florida police police station after his January arrest.
According to The Associated Press, Miami-Dade County prosecutors released footage showing Bieber wavering while attempting to walk heel to toe, then stumbling while turning.
It was probably that glaucoma again.
Bieber has pleaded not guilty to driving under the influence, resisting arrest and invalid license charges after his Jan. 23 arrest.
16 Anybody lookin'?
17 If that weren't enough to start your day, an additional story about Katy Perry and John Mayer appeared in the same column:
Kate Perry dumps John Mayer, according to report
Stop me if you've heard this one before. Katy Perry dumped John Mayer at some point during the last few days, according to E! News.
So that's why she's been calling me...
Mayer was absent from Perry's side during her recent trip to Europe. It's surprising as marriage rumors have surrounded the pair over the past few months.
18 And a third story:
Loretta Lynn injured while trying to put out home fire
19 I'll spare you the details.
20 Welcome to 2014.
21 Everything is Awesome!
22 Anybody lookin'?
23 The scary thing about all of this is that I found myself laughing. Well, chuckling.
24 I chuckled because Hicks made me chuckle. He KNEW it was a non-story yet brought in some fun moments. I could see his editor dashing into the office like Perry White and yelling to Hicks/Jimmy Olsen, "Hunt down this Bieber story!"
25 And Hicks replying, "But chief, it's a no story. Thousands of morons Bieber's age do the same sort of stuff. TMZ is an insta-gossip tea bag. How about we report some real news, like the asteroid that almost wiped out mankind a few weeks ago?"
26 "Don't call me chief! Now get that story!"
27 All this followed by Hicks' hunting down the story and tried to make something that was a college dorm bust sound like it belonged on the airwaves.
28 I enjoy good writing. I always try to guess which lines made the writer stop and smile. Have you ever written something and loved one sentence so much that you lifted your pencil swiftly and said, "Yeah!"?
29 Uh...me neither...
30
31 I have to guess that when Hicks wrote the third paragraph, he probably loved it.
32 Scroll up. It's good. Something about a guy "...I don't know, doing shirtless bong rips on the Tilt-a-Whirl or something..." is plain good.
33 I remember a time when White would lecture Olsen about journalism. "When a dog bites a man, that's not news. When a man bites a dog, that's news!" White used to tell Olsen in so many words.
34 I lament that cliche's slow disappearance from all things news in 2014.
35 Why? Who READS that crap?
36
37 All are punished, I suppose.
38 AnywayZ
39 This ran into a little time this morning so I think I'll leave it at that on this beautiful Thursday morning.
40 Garbage day.
41 The irony is dripping.
42 I gottago.
43 Have a GREAT day. I hope it is awesome. It should be.
44 See you again.
45 Peace.
~H~
No comments:
Post a Comment