The real deal.
The Once-in-a-While
Daily News
1 I became a born-again Scrooge the other day.
2 What this means is I USED to be a hardcore Scrooge, but softened as soon as Li'l Grandbeebeez started pokin' around.
3 Then this Christmas season began. I pinpointed the advent of this year's Christmas as early July. I remember seeing all sorts of Christmas-in-July sales while vacationing in Tahoe this summer.
Lovin' the Berkies, yo.
4 It's different now. A lot more fun, although I did fall off the recovering-Scrooge wagon on Sunday.
5 I was semi-watching the teevee and somewhat enjoying a mini-party that turned into a Christmas party and feast. We had a GO NINERS!!! theme and it turned out the team didn't disappoint.
6 Lots of laughs for a throw-together party. The only thing that drove me nuts was this commercial for Uncle Ben's rice.
For a brief moment, I once again morphed into a Scrooge.
For a brief moment, I once again morphed into a Scrooge.
7 It wasn't a bad commercial. The theme was positive. It was a part of the Uncle Ben's Life Lesson campaign.
8 Okay.
9 It is essentially a cartoon. It is clearly influenced by modern cartoons that turn preachy:
10 Er...other preachy folks.
11 Is there a back door outta here?
12 Why, it's amazing. Listen:
13 The commercial begins with a Dad guiding his small son down the street with what looks like a bike that no longer has training wheels. A really lousy cover version of Peter Frampton's Show Me the Way is playing. The kid singing has absolutely no sense of soul. He sings, "I want you...to show me the way." It is arguably the worst cover of any rock song in history. Bar none. Still, both Dad and son appear elated.
14 The scene swiftly shifts to a poolside, where Dad is sitting in a large chaise reading what looks like a newspaper, and the son in a smaller chaise reading the colorful insert of ads from the newspaper. The annoying cover version of Frampton's anthem continues, now with light and angelic backing vocals. You almost have to look up in order to see what the heck is going on.
15 Fast cut to Dad and son brushing their teeth, Dad on the left, son on the right. And this: "I want you, to show me the way."
16 Another quick cut to a couch, where both Dad and son are seen crunching on salty potato chips. They have the same exact expression on their faces. Whatever is on the television owns both. Dad has a large bag of potato chips. Son has a smaller bag. They are metaphorical zombies to the tube.
17 It finally dawns on Dad that something is WAY wrong. He zooms in on his son almost hypnotized by whatever drama is coming off the television. He sees only the word "Potato" on the chip bag because his son's hand is covering up the word "Chips."
18 Not rocket science. Dad looks on the back of the box and reads the ingredients.
19 He decides that his son will not become a couch potato.
20 The Peter Frampton song continues, but it STILL isn't Peter Frampton singing. The kid singing continues to annihilate the tune. He does jazz it up at this point by singing, "Oh, won't you, show me the way."
21 But nobody watches the commercial. That's the weird part. You just hear this kid butchering a rock anthem.
22 Each time I hear this commercial, I want to scream. I go crazy. And because WE are in a room as a group zoning out on a football game, it is a minor gadfly.
23 A gadfly disguised as a "Life Lesson."
24 The "Oh won't, you" cue evidently puts Dad and son in their kitchen. Gone are the chips. Cut to Dad, standing before a cutting board on which there is a healthy amount of broccoli and red cabbage, and a bowl containing carrots with green stalks and yellow peppers. Directly next to those items is a large box of Uncle Ben's rice, with a picture of a huge bowl of rice that lines up almost perfectly with the vegetable bowl.
25 Dad tosses the bowl of vegetables into a pot on the stove as a narrator chimes in, "You have a big influence on your kids. So teach them the Life's Lesson of cooking."
26 At this point, both Dad and Son give a "high one" with oven mitts.
27 The narrator continues: "Join the Ben's Beginner's movement at UncleBens.com."
Close-up on my old pal Uncle Ben. Love that guy.
28 The commercial ends here abruptly.
29
30 Sidenote: Is it just me, or does Uncle Ben look like he might be Obama's uncle when Obama was a kid?
31 Anyway, how does all of this nonsense make me a Scrooge?
32 I'm not sure. It is certainly a nice life lesson. Kids DO emulate their parents.
33 It looks like a good cause.
34 And my love of Uncle Ben dates back to my earliest remembering years. Rice was always my favorite food. I was particularly fond of Uncle Ben's Original, before the Quinoa movement hit.
35 So I've nothing against the Uncle Ben's people, nor do I disparage their fine products.
36 And yet, every single time that commercial comes on, I'm usually in mixed company watching football or something, and I will interrupt ANY conversation to point out how horribly that kid sings the song.
37 The Uncle Ben's people couldn't find a kid with a bit more soul? I've seen five-year-olds on Facebook slashing guitar riffs I could only dream of playing.
38 So I have become a Scrooge once again, only it is every time I hear that commercial. I want to run screaming somewhere. With all my own problems, you'd think this would be minor.
39 But why THAT kid, and THAT version? I don't even like Peter Frampton that much. But he is sure a lot better than the little fellow ruining his song.
40
41 That's all I have to say.
42 Oh, and that I will always prefer Alastair Sim over every other Scrooge around.
43 But that's just me.
44 I'm so old-fashioned that I have become new-fashioned.
45 AnywayZ...
46 That's about all I have to give this fine day.
47 Call a lawyer and sue me, sue me.
48 Shoot bullets through me.
49 I love you.
50 Gottago.
52 Need some Beebee pics?
53 Why yes.
54 Well then here:
54 'Nuff said.
55 Gottago.
56 Have a GREAT day.
57 And from this old Scrooge to you:
58 Live life.
59 Love life.
60 Peace.
8 Okay.
9 It is essentially a cartoon. It is clearly influenced by modern cartoons that turn preachy:
Uh...oops! Ladeez and Gentlemen:
Carl Fredricksen and...
10 Er...other preachy folks.
11 Is there a back door outta here?
12 Why, it's amazing. Listen:
13 The commercial begins with a Dad guiding his small son down the street with what looks like a bike that no longer has training wheels. A really lousy cover version of Peter Frampton's Show Me the Way is playing. The kid singing has absolutely no sense of soul. He sings, "I want you...to show me the way." It is arguably the worst cover of any rock song in history. Bar none. Still, both Dad and son appear elated.
14 The scene swiftly shifts to a poolside, where Dad is sitting in a large chaise reading what looks like a newspaper, and the son in a smaller chaise reading the colorful insert of ads from the newspaper. The annoying cover version of Frampton's anthem continues, now with light and angelic backing vocals. You almost have to look up in order to see what the heck is going on.
15 Fast cut to Dad and son brushing their teeth, Dad on the left, son on the right. And this: "I want you, to show me the way."
16 Another quick cut to a couch, where both Dad and son are seen crunching on salty potato chips. They have the same exact expression on their faces. Whatever is on the television owns both. Dad has a large bag of potato chips. Son has a smaller bag. They are metaphorical zombies to the tube.
17 It finally dawns on Dad that something is WAY wrong. He zooms in on his son almost hypnotized by whatever drama is coming off the television. He sees only the word "Potato" on the chip bag because his son's hand is covering up the word "Chips."
18 Not rocket science. Dad looks on the back of the box and reads the ingredients.
19 He decides that his son will not become a couch potato.
20 The Peter Frampton song continues, but it STILL isn't Peter Frampton singing. The kid singing continues to annihilate the tune. He does jazz it up at this point by singing, "Oh, won't you, show me the way."
21 But nobody watches the commercial. That's the weird part. You just hear this kid butchering a rock anthem.
22 Each time I hear this commercial, I want to scream. I go crazy. And because WE are in a room as a group zoning out on a football game, it is a minor gadfly.
23 A gadfly disguised as a "Life Lesson."
24 The "Oh won't, you" cue evidently puts Dad and son in their kitchen. Gone are the chips. Cut to Dad, standing before a cutting board on which there is a healthy amount of broccoli and red cabbage, and a bowl containing carrots with green stalks and yellow peppers. Directly next to those items is a large box of Uncle Ben's rice, with a picture of a huge bowl of rice that lines up almost perfectly with the vegetable bowl.
25 Dad tosses the bowl of vegetables into a pot on the stove as a narrator chimes in, "You have a big influence on your kids. So teach them the Life's Lesson of cooking."
26 At this point, both Dad and Son give a "high one" with oven mitts.
Close-up on my old pal Uncle Ben. Love that guy.
28 The commercial ends here abruptly.
29
30 Sidenote: Is it just me, or does Uncle Ben look like he might be Obama's uncle when Obama was a kid?
31 Anyway, how does all of this nonsense make me a Scrooge?
32 I'm not sure. It is certainly a nice life lesson. Kids DO emulate their parents.
33 It looks like a good cause.
34 And my love of Uncle Ben dates back to my earliest remembering years. Rice was always my favorite food. I was particularly fond of Uncle Ben's Original, before the Quinoa movement hit.
35 So I've nothing against the Uncle Ben's people, nor do I disparage their fine products.
36 And yet, every single time that commercial comes on, I'm usually in mixed company watching football or something, and I will interrupt ANY conversation to point out how horribly that kid sings the song.
37 The Uncle Ben's people couldn't find a kid with a bit more soul? I've seen five-year-olds on Facebook slashing guitar riffs I could only dream of playing.
38 So I have become a Scrooge once again, only it is every time I hear that commercial. I want to run screaming somewhere. With all my own problems, you'd think this would be minor.
39 But why THAT kid, and THAT version? I don't even like Peter Frampton that much. But he is sure a lot better than the little fellow ruining his song.
40
41 That's all I have to say.
42 Oh, and that I will always prefer Alastair Sim over every other Scrooge around.
43 But that's just me.
44 I'm so old-fashioned that I have become new-fashioned.
45 AnywayZ...
46 That's about all I have to give this fine day.
47 Call a lawyer and sue me, sue me.
48 Shoot bullets through me.
49 I love you.
50 Gottago.
52 Need some Beebee pics?
53 Why yes.
54 Well then here:
Li'l Isla Bean
Li'l Jack
Li'l Maren
55 Gottago.
56 Have a GREAT day.
57 And from this old Scrooge to you:
58 Live life.
59 Love life.
60 Peace.
fin.
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