The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  I want to kill the guy who invented Mozzarella sticks.

2  I've had a running war with those things since they were invented.

3  Everybody thinks they are Italian. Italiano. 

4  <basketball buzzer>

5  They're French. French. 

6  Why do I think the guy should be killed?

7  

8  Well, he shouldn't be killed really. Nobody should.

9  I was caving to my own insecurities.

10  My chief insecurity is that I can't easily do what the majority of people can do. 

11  I can't open Mozzarella sticks. 

12  I do not have glamourous fingers.

13  I do not have bony fingers.

14  I do not even have delicate fingers.

15  I have fingers that, given a Mozzarella stick, will, in trying, bring attention to the fact that I am an incapable idiot.

16  First, I don't read .08 font-writing for the initial instruction. Couldn't do it with a huge magnifying glass and a mini-flashlight in my hand, couldn't do it if I hired a surgeon to assist. 

17  I DO manage eventually to succeed, but by the time I do, I find that every Triscuit in the house is already gone. 

18  A Triscuito Bandito perhaps, hiding behind the couch?

19  

Really!

20  Okay, I should have shied away from THAT one. 

21  The instructions on the Mozzarella sticks I ate, by the way, are simple: Peel Apart Here. I won't name the brand.

22  Pretty simple instructions, once you locate them.

23  Ah, it's all good.

24  Tonight is actually Monday night, Garbage Night, two nights ago. When I began writing this nonsense. I had written most of the above nonsense, decided to clean the kitchen, take out the garbage, get everything safely out to the street, make coffee for the morning, and then retire earlier than usual. 

25  <basketball buzzer> I found that Matt and Coley had one of those huge bags of Pike's Peak longing to come out of the cupboard.

26  I decided to give everyone a break and get the coffee all set up. 

27  I got everything going, only I needed just a little of the new coffee to make enough cups. 

28  Surely a large, ground bag of Starbuck's should open easily enough. 

29  I set it on a wooden cutting board, gave myself plenty of elbow room, pinched the sides and pulled. 

30  You know on the 4th of July when you light about three different fireworks together with the punk, anticipate a large umbrella of color, and then it sits and goes fzzzzzzt?

31  That's a half-dozen "z's" you know. 

32  So went my first attempt at opening the Starbuck's bag. I remembered I had JUST been writing about this sort of thing, rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves, and gave another pull.

33  Nothing.

34  I became headstrong and tried a third time. I really concentrated. It was only some sort of glue, for crying out loud, and I was insistent I get it done.

35  I pulled. And I pulled. And I pulled. 

36  Nothing. 

37  I did the only thing I could do. I called Helene in to get the job done. She is like the majority of people. She can open Mozzarella sticks with a wave of the hand. 

38  I asked if she could get the coffee open for me. She rolled her eyes. She was busy closing real estate deals. I almost warned her not to get the grounds all over the sink, but to leave them on the carving board so they'd clean up easier, but thought better of it. 

39  I was surprised to see that after two consecutive attempts, she couldn't open it either. 

40  On her third attempt, she changed strategies. She took the thumbnail of her right hand and began scraping out the dry glue, and then gave a final tug.

41  It zipped open as easily as a quart-size Hefty bag. She has delicate fingers, for the record. 

42  She handed it to me without a word and returned to her real estate stuff. 

43  May I call this entire episode, "Exhibit A?"

44  Mahalo.

45  Moving On, Part One: So I just flew in from Kaua'i, and boy.

46  Pretty place. 

47  I have six bazillion pictures of the place, so many in fact that my iPhone froze up when I got to the Waimea Canyon.

48  Modern technology. 17,000 potential beautiful pics and I came up empty.

49  Maybe.

50  I got a bunch of pictures, but nothing to write home about.

51  About which to write home. 

52  It requires hooking up all sorts of nonsense to my computer, but I've also had all sorts of other things happening during that time.

53  Like cute Beebeez. I'll be posting pics of those Li'l Weasels as the week draws on.

54  Meanwhile, I played around with a few pictures I took in Kaua'i, just for fun. I like 'em 'cuz I took 'em.

55  So here you go. I once again want to thank our good friends Sally and George Olah for being such wonderful hosts and tour guides. Raise a glass!

56  And enjoy these few artsy-fartsy pictures. I thought they were a bit of a kick. I think I already posted the first one, but I prefer this contrast and color better. Anyway, here go:

57  Mahalo. Aloha. 

58  Gottago. Nothing more to report except that I JUST discovered this show called Stranger Things. And I'm hooked. More on that; WAY more on that as things unfold.

59  Have a GREAT day.

60  Live life.

62  Love life.

63  Peace.

~H~

fin.