The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  I woke up Sunday morning at around 5:30 a.m. to no toothpaste. This morning's piece begins with toothpaste, and it ends with toothpaste. In between, it becomes a roller-coaster off in different directions, up, down, sideways and around, but it eventually returns to toothpaste. 

2  So. I awakened Sunday morning and discovered we had no toothpaste. I could have done the old mouthwash substitution thing, but toothpaste is my comfort zone.

3  Not having any, though, can throw you off worse than a booted ground ball.

4  I get mad at the Giants for being consistently stupid this year, but the second some minor thing goes wrong in my own life, I'm off my game.

5  I showered, and then cut myself shaving. Two days in a row I awakened with blood. The day before, we had a "whim" party at Folsom Lake. My nephew Brian mentioned meeting with a few people and spending the day sitting around water and eating, which, according to Helene, is what Americans LOVE to do. Sit around water and eat.

6  Somehow we old folks weaseled our way into the picture, so I had a super-fun Saturday all planned. I zoomed down Natomas Blvd for a car wash and a fill-up, cranked up Fleetwood Mac's epic album "The Dance" on the way home, and zoomed back down Natomas. The CD was set to the beginning of the tune "Tusk," famous for having the USC Marching Band appear and jam with Fleetwood Mac mid-song. Can't miss. Everyone around me was in slow motion, and I must have looked ridiculous, but I was pumped up, singing loudly and doing fillers with Mick Fleetwood. I used my steering wheel for percussion. Pretty immature, but we all have those moments. Pure joy. The whole thing became my official first day of summer, and I LOVED it. 

7  Helene was just as excited. She used to water ski, and a day at the lake with a fast boat seemed the perfect remedy to any Giants' hangover. And I don't mean an alcohol one; I mean that feeling that, "Do these guys KNOW they have to play 162 f@cking games?"

8  "Don't forget sun block. Should we bring long pants? Will it be cold? Do you think they'll be enough food?" One thing about parties with my family: there will always be an abundance of food. 

9   Coals to Newcastle. But we would bring food anyway.

10  We decided to caravan with Josh and Caitlin and the Beebeez. This required the usual routine of parking when I got to her house. Her next-door neighbor is a pain-in-the-butt. He was also moving. It was good to see an "Open House" sign on his lawn. 

11  He always parks so close that I sometimes have to block Caitlin's driveway. I see the guy every now and again, looks like a perfectly nice fellow, but I know that he's just trying to get my goat. He has a huge, round head.

12  I thought that the next time I see him, I should say, "I think I went to high school with you." I would expect his huge round head to turn into a question mark, and then back to his huge round head. And then I would say this: "Your name's Dick, right?"

13  ...and so on. Anyway, I was able to park comfortably, so we got out and inside.

14  We saw the Beebeez, who always squeal and smile when we get there. Josh and Caitlin were exchanging the same sorts of "Did-you-remember?" questions. 

15  They had to gas the van up, so we zipped over to the gas station by Safeway. I road shotgun. I brought this HUGE bag of almonds up to the front. They're a trendy snack these days of Everyone-is-on-a-Health-Kick, so I cracked them open. Helene wanted a couple of handfuls. 

16  Now our Safeway gas station has these guys in flak jackets, there to keep the peace. The backs of the flak jackets say "Fuel Ambassador" on them. 

17  The guy knew his job. I was afraid to walk over and throw my car trash in the trash can. So I just sat still, looking cool in my CVS sunglasses, munching on almonds when I crunched through one and bit the tip of my tongue. 

18  "Aw, shucks!" I said. "I bit my tongue, and now it's bleeding. Shucks. Shucks. Shucks."

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21  I pulled down the mirror and saw that I looked a bit like Dracula, only with a Giants' hat on. I washed it all up with a little water, and in no time, I was on my way to the lake.  

22  We wound up having a GREAT day. Lots of Beebeez. Stayed well into the afternoon, and my sister Linda had some Pandora station with a bunch of oldies that played all songs I knew the lyrics to.

23  At mid-day, Brian took us for a long ride around the lake, which had driftwood from the rains. At one point, he said, "We're going through!" Star Wars. Great ride, great day.

24  We turned on the ball game, listened to about four pitches, and decided to put the Oldies back on. This was Black Saturday, Ty Blach's worst outing ever. 

25  I just didn't matter. We all had an awesome day. Life without baseball can happen. And I can still be a Giants' fan without having to suffer. Fair weather? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I was born a Giants' fan. I have that right.

26  Moving On, Part One:  Helene interrupted my tacking away at this nonsense to quote some advice column or other on baby tips: How to get a toddler to pee directly into the toilet. 

32  Solution: Toss a bunch of Cheerios in the toilet and have the little fellow take aim. 

33

34  It also gave suggestions on what to do with your coffee grounds.

35   See the results below:

36  Use them to wash your hands.

 Huh? I use soap. Personal hygiene is important to me. 

37  Put them in your garden to use as mulch. 

I've done that, but THIS helpful hint gal said, "First, put them on a cookie sheet and bake them for an hour."

38  Why do these "helpful" hints people always have to prolong things with cookie sheets?

39  So yes, I will tie my little apron on, take the large handful of coffee grounds and smooth them on a baking sheet. I will then go into the yard, grab the garden hose, hose them off my hands, squirt the remains into the tomato crop that I haven't planted yet, and hope I get some plump, red tomatoes come harvest time. 

40  Once the coffee grounds on the baking sheet are fully dry, I can put them in a jar or something, to be used for future

mulch.

41  Or for the next time I run out of coffee, which is often. 

42  Maybe I could put them in a baggy, walk into Caitlin's next-door neighbor's house, and toss them in his sink?

43  Wasn't this supposed to be about toothpaste?

44  I feel like Mr. Chau. I'm all over the place. 

45  Do they still HAVE Mr. Chau? Is my 2002 showing?

46  I Google Mr. Chau, I expect this:

47  It's 2017, however. You Google "Mr. Chau" now, what you get is this:

48  And those ones are 3,000 + pixels, whatever THAT means. AND they are full anime art, but I like to kick it Old Skool, because I'm cool like that.

49  Anyone remember the Beach Boys? Anyone remember Pet Sounds?

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51  <crickets>

52  Brian Wilson had this nice little song called I Just Wasn't Made For These Times.

53  I wasn't. On Sunday morning, I complained to Helene that we had no toothpaste, and that the tube I had was more crumpled than an old guy on a park bench. She said, "We've got toothpaste." 

 "What?" I said. 

"We've got toothpaste!" she said. I heard the closet door down the hallway open and close, and she handed me a box of Colgate that was a Costco special, a foot-long. I'm not exaggerating. I now have toothpaste guaranteed for the life of my teeth.

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56  Gottago.

57  See you again.

58  Have a GREAT day.

59  Live life.

60  Love life.

61  Peace.

~H~

fin.