The-Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1  Click. TeeVee on. Bam. Plexaderm, and for sure my eyes will sparkle. That's GOTTA be true. I'minna git me some. 

2  Or was that a toothpaste ad?

3  This is what happens when you are not only retired but also when you are experiencing a day off. My thoughts drift back to Memorial Day, which was on, well, Memorial Day.

4  Memorial Day. My first thought always goes out to my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and people who left too early.

5  So when I see an ad on Memorial Day, I can't focus on sparkling eyes.

6  I'm just glad mine don't have X's across them.

7  AND on Tee Vee, they just got done debating whether or not American Idol should come back.

8  I never knew that it left.

9  Evidently I just missed two hours of world-class tennis on channel 1814 or something. Just channel surfing.

10  I've nothing against world-class tennis, but the tennis court proper bothers me.

11  It's some orange glow reminiscent of my kitchen wall. 

12  I always wanted a job as the guy who speeds across the court to handle vagrant tennis balls.

13  Don't get me wrong. I've nothing against net sports.

14  I used to love going to this weird little area that looked like a redwood forest, but was just a place for kids to shoot buckets.

15  I'm so old I can't even remember what town it was in. I think Los Altos.

16  I KNOW, I KNOW.

17  I lived in the world's cheapest rental when I lived in Los Altos, but I always had rich-snob bragging rights.

18  I never came clean until, well, today.

19  Or was it yesterday?

20  Call me Dory.

21  Will I ever find meself?

22  Hopefully not.

23  I like walking around in a cloud.

24  Keeps me honest.

25  Moving On, Part One: Weird Moments. The other day I opened the front door and forgot why. I remembered that I had not swept the area in front of the doormat. I actually forgot I HAD a doormat until I opened the door.

26  When you do that, you are cooked. You need to act like you know why you opened the door so that anybody outside won't notice you're there.

27  I occupied my time last week assembling boxes of things

I had no business assembling.

28  More and more patio furniture, the Irish furniture.

29  Patty O' Furniture. I oughta change my name.

30  

31  If you're looking for a thesis statement, you'll have to search elsewhere.

32  I woke up at around noon on Memorial Day.

33  And only THEN did I remember it was Memorial Day.

34  I think.

35  Can't remember.

36  I am ill prepared to remember anything, particularly a thesis statement when school seems to be out for most of the country.

37  I should be slipping inside the shade, sipping lemonade.

38  Remember the Beatles?

39  Remember Wings?

40  Remember those chicken wings you ate last week?

41  

42  Oh come on! You KNOW you had chicken wings at least once last week, unless you are a vegan.

43  Perhaps you "ve-gan" to eat chicken wings, but got auto-corrected.

44  Happens.

45  Are you STILL looking for a thesis statement?

46  I'll stop wasting your time. There isn't one. There.

47  Oh no! They're doing a tennis flashback, and the court is the same color orange.

48  Did Stanley Kubrick direct this piece?

49  Did I spell "Stanley" right?

50  Okay I just got a shot of the tennis ball retriever dude, and I just don't have the pants for it.

51  I think you have to take classes in how to be a member of the tennis community.

52  Most of the people look like cardboard cutouts, but I haven't had my coffee yet.

53  Or have I?

54   And I think the announcer just made a reference to linguini. I think he was just bored and trying to slip one past us.

55  Okay.

56  Enough of this. I don't dare bring up Hunter Strickland's accidental insider, nor of the brutal fight that ensued. It speaks for itself, and is a story I want to go away. Too many other things going on, even if I can't remember any of them. 

57  Gottago.

58  I know you crave more, but I'm pretty much done.

59  Everybody just started clapping.

60  I can take a hint. I'll cut this short even though it somehow managed to reach 65 items. I think we can call that a day. 

61  See you again.

62  Have a GREAT day.

63  Live life.

64  Love life.

65  Peace.

~H~

fin.