The Once-in-a-While

Daily News: In Search

of Rocky

Rocket J. Dog, safe and

sound.

1 Last week while Nicole, Li'l Jack, and Rocky were visiting, Rocky slipped out the sliding door to our back yard. He REALLY had other plans: he not only managed to slip out the door, but he ALSO managed, in the darkness of the night, to slip past a folding-table barrier out back, shoot through wet muck on the side of the house, burrow under the gate, and dig his way out to the damp streets of Sacramento. In short, Rocky vanished. Poof. Gone. 

2  We went outside with Coleman lamps, flashlights, blankets, and doggy treats and then we roamed the neighborhood streets. We frantically searched blocks, trails, and parks, asking joggers, dog-walkers, and neighbors if they had seen him. I saw a cop, who reported Rocky to the police AND to local shelters, all to no avail. At around 11 p.m. I realized I was in a proverbial needle/haystack situation. I won't say I cried, but I always had a goodly bond with Rocks. He's always enjoyed curling up on my lap when everyone else is out shopping and stuff. He rolls into a comfortable ball and sleeps away. We go WAY back, so the stress levels shot straight through the roof.

3  On top of everything else, it rained that night. I decided to make a flyer and circulate the news first thing in the morning.That task took longer than I had anticipated. 

4  I had trouble making the flyers because my Apple Mac Book Pro does all sorts of odd things. For example, I wanted the flyer to say  "Lost Dog" at the top, and under that bold headline, I wanted to place the above picture of Rocky, with info on his color, the area he was last seen, approximate height, age, and contact numbers underneath the picture. 

5  My Apple MBP decided IT wanted not to let me do that. Instead, it decided to put everything everywhere I didn't want it.

6  I'm really not used to iPages, even though I used a Mac Book Pro during my final year of teaching.

7  I find it quite believable that the Mac Book Pro might have been one of the reasons I decided to retire.

8  Not since the Windows 8 and T-O-S-H-I-B-A debacles of yore have I experienced such immenseness of digital angst.

9  I eventually got it print-ready at around 2 a.m. Helene's mom told me that for "breed" I should put "Chiweenie," knowing that Rocky was closest to that breed. I obliged.

10  I awakened and headed early to Fed Ex, which opened at 7 a.m. The guy in there was cool, and the price really reasonable. I ran 75 copies. I expected to pay hundreds of dollars, especially since I wanted the posters to be in color, but I walked away for a little over $65. I bought three rolls of tape and a box of staples, and then I was off. Meanwhile, Caitlin, Rene, and Nicole were doing things online. We have a neighborhood-watch sort of thing going on where I live, so those guys worked the digital stuff. My mother-in-law Dorothy (or Grammy, as she is known) walked our neighborhood with Li'l Snicker, her own little guy. 

11  My first move was to hit the elementary school at the end of my street. School was just about to begin, so I took two flyers to the main office. I talked to the gal there and asked if I could leave a couple of flyers in the office AND if they could announce it on the morning bulletin. She said she would see what she could do. She was beyond nice.

12  I then moved back up my street to the trail that intersects it and decided to turn right. I have walked Rocky many times, so I knew his walking patterns: pull ahead, sniff a bush to the left, walk forward, sniff a plant to the right, raise foot, piss on plant, hop a sec, then continue sniffing. He has a tendency to pull right, so I followed my own instincts. Remember that baseball saying, "Be the ball"? I decided to "Be the Dog." It seemed to work.

13  I asked people if they had seen him on the trail. More than one hiker said they hadn't. I then went up and down streets, posting the flyers on trees next to neighborhood mail boxes. We don't have individual mailboxes; we have mail locations on each street. I figured I could reach fifteen to twenty households per street that way. I thought it was a good way to proceed, and I admired my own dogged determination. 

<All apologies.>

I then headed over to Caitlin's neighborhood, another mile, and hit a CVS that I routinely hike to, and three small paths that lead down to it, putting flyers on trees next to all three paths.

14  I got to Caitlin's neighborhood and posted at a dog park. I got a half block from her house and put two next to her neighborhood boxes when I got a text from her: a dog who fit Rocky's description was spotted in the Raley's parking over by the Shell station. 

15  I drove over to the Shell station but saw nothing. I drove through the area, hoping I wouldn't run into any sort of traffic stalls. I was worried Rocky might dash out to Del Paso, a busy thoroughfare, and an immediate danger to a Chiweenie on the lam. I was going to head downtown to the Front St. Humane Society after this.

16  We decided to meet back at the house and compare notes. I told them about my itinerary and realized that the lady in the front office might have been reluctant to have the students broadcast a "lost Chiweenie" over an elementary school loudspeaker.

17  We laughed, but we remained worried. 

18  Suddenly I heard a commotion and a bark in the back yard. I heard Caitlin scream, "It's Rocky!" and more squealing and screeching. I looked down, and saw that it was Rocky!

19  He was soaked and caked with mud. He looked nervous, as though a rabid bat had severed his ear, and he smelled a bit like dank moss. But it was Rocks, and we all screamed and hugged. He jumped up and down, clearly as excited to see us as we were to see him.

20  I decided to go back out to the hood and clean-up the flyers. My first stop was the school; I went in and thanked them, told then Rocky was home. They smiled, genuinely happy for me.

 21  I decided I would re-trace my steps and take down all the "Lost Dog" flyers. I forgot to bring a staple remover, so I used a pair of sharp scissors I keep in my backpack instead. I used the Fed-Ex box that contained the extra flyers as a sort of catch-all. You might remember the environmental mantra, "Take nothing but pictures; leave nothing but footprints." I was goin' green, baby!

22  Within seconds I realized I was a guy all dressed in black, carrying around scissors and holding a Fed-Ex box in the rain. I had tape stuck on my shirt and pants, wet crumpled flyers clinging scarily to the side of a moist Fed-Ex box, and fresh wrinkles taking bloom on my forehead. It was right out of The Middle.

23  For the record, I did manage to clear every tree, fence, and bench of crumpled tape, soggy posters, and what resembled classroom spitballs.

24  I did it. I was Environment Recycle Man. I felt like a super hero, Axl Heck rescuing kids from Halloween thieves, then saying to the kids he rescued, "Stay in school and eat your vegetables!"

25  I decided to take it to the next level: I drove over to In-n-Out burgers. It was just after 11 a.m. and I ordered SIX cheeseburgers, SIX orders of fries, TWO orders of "animal-style" fries, and a reward Chocolate shake for myself.

26  What I REALLY did was I slowed In-n-Out for a ten-minute order, and I'm pretty sure everyone in line wanted to kill me.

In-n-Out in your hungry mind.

In-n-Out once you realize the

name is clearly a misnomer.

27  Seven years later I got home with a HUGE box of burgers, THREE bags of fries, AND a delicious Chocolate shake, only to find that Helene was the only one there. Her Mom needed to get back home to Paradise; and Caitlin, Nicole, Isla and Maren were at Starbucks getting well-earned coffees. They had no idea where the heck I had been. And I didn't want to eat until they got home, just as a courtesy.

28  So.The hot burgers and fries morphed into room-temp burgers and fries, my chocolate shake becoming a lower-case cup of melted slop. 

29  I didn't realize just how many potatoes sacrificed their lives to In-n-Out. I took all eight cartons and bag spillage and stuffed it all into the freezer of our garage fridge.

30  Sunday night I turned it all into a ball-park snack. I even managed to compose a replica Animal-Style sauce that rocked. 

31  FTR, we have had "Animal-Style" sauce hanging around barbecues and salads for years.

32  It's called "Thousand Island" dressing.

33  Here's the magic recipe:

1 c. mayo, any brand.

1/2 c. ketchup, any brand.

4-5 capers.

1/2 shot lemon juice.

Left-over frozen In-n-Out well-done fries, in leftover containers.

1 shaker of salt.

Microwave until it all looks like In-n-Out.

Serve with either grilled hamburgers or (better) grilled and split-down-the-middle Evergood sausages, your choice.

34  Celebrate what you have. Get yo business done.

35  And thanks, Rocks, for just being you, good buddy.

36  Somehow, having you back makes it all right.

37  I gottago.

38  See you again.

39  Have a GREAT day.

40  Live life.

41  Love life.

42  Peace.

fin.