The Once-in-a-While

Daily News

1   A snowman decoration scared the beJAYzuss out of me the other day.

2  We did the seasonal transition from Thanks/Friendsgiving to Black Friday/Cyber Monday or whatever. Those switches get more absurd each year. 

3  I sat on the newly-decorated couch to jot down a few ideas for this nonsense when I felt something eerie happening over my left shoulder. I looked up. There stood the Snowman. The first thing I saw was the shovel. I got Michael Myers' vibes. Horror movie jits.

4 I expected a screech from Psycho, followed by deadly hatcheting.

5  My fear changed as the Snowman shape-shifted to this nice little old man with a pleasant smile and a crooked-carrot nose.

6  The trouble is, I'm on the lighter side of old. Skating through life while wearing reading glasses causes immense blur. 

7  Not a great way to skate through the day.

8  Life = a blur when you do that.

9  Here is the way each day of the holla-day season looks to me when glassesless:

10  

11

12  Holla.

13  Anybody lookin'?

14  Moving On, Part One: I just realized The Hallmark channel began it's annual Countdown to Christmas in October. 

15   Black Friday. Cyber Monday. How about we call yesterday Toddy Tuesday? People could buy baby toys, make a batch of hot toddies, and do the first leg of Christmas decorating, all in one zany night. 

16  I thought it all through and decided to come up with a cutesy name and theme for the rest of the days of the week. Today, for example, we could rename Wobbly Wednesday, since it would be a natural after Toddy Tuesday. Bring Virgin Marys to work and stumble through the work day. It would be a refreshing change from the unbearable tackiness of "Hump Day." (Who on EARTH pitched THAT idea originally? I don't want dude in my neighborhood.). Get home early and throw down a couple Bloody Marys, and continue on with the decorating.

17  What about those who don't drink, you ask?

18  First, you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't drink.

19  Second, you MUST have a weakness somewhere. Howzbout you find out where that is and you deal with your own Kryptonite. Could be a Hostess Twinkie. Or pink popcorn. Pickles. Good God, the list is endless. It becomes essential that you adapt to this accordingly.

20  "Hey Beave, let's go do something we're not supposed ta!"
                                                     ---Larry Mondello, from the 
                                                     Leave it to Beaver show

21  

22  Can  we move to Thursday, please?

23  This shouldn't take all week. 

24

25  M'bad.

26  

27  Thumper Thursday. Offshoot of Friendsgiving, only you replace turkey with rabbit. I fear the rabbit industry may go bust due to propaganda pieces like Zootopia, and Dr. Pol. Kill a rabbit and eat it. Or turn it into a soft coat. 

28  Nah. Forget the rabbit coat. Then only rich people would be able to enjoy it, and that would be politically incorrect. And you can't have that in 2016.

29  Trump could have one made and then give it to his beotch. 

30  

Cruella de Vil.

31  Anybody lookin'?

32  Isn't her name Cruella or something?

33  Friday could be Black Friday.

34

35  <whisperwhisperwhisper>

36  Stay-Home Saturday. Screw spending money. Nobody spends a thing. The banks fold. 'Murica Goes Broke. Trump gets impeached. Bernie runs to a television camera and sounds off, "I told you, Americker!" Chiner goes broke. People jump off hoods of Buicks. 

37  

"That's the most ridiculous thing

I ever hoid." 

38  Hyper Sunday. Everyone drinks tankards of strong coffee and interacts with other edgy people. It ain't pretty, but it's the only game in town.

39

40  Ah, the entire idea has been used already. EVERY day already is some sort of holla-day.

41  Today, for example, is National Mousse Day, National Meth Awareness Day, National Package Protection Day, and my personal favorite, Stay Home Because You're Well Day. 

42   

43 

44  It IS. Look it up. I wonder if you should call in well?

45  Maybe it'd be best if I just skipped town.

46

47   

48

49   Is there a back door outta here?

50   Ah, it's all good.

51   Moving On, Part Two: 

52  Moving On, Part the Thoid: Well.

53  This was lofty!

54  Now name the rest of the playuhs.

55   

56   "Boy, the PTA sure did a good job of painting these benches."   ---Charlie Brown, from Clark Gesner's epic musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

57  How's that for poetic justice? This purported reporter gives Gesner credit and gives no credit to Shakespeare.


58  Nasty business, writing is.

59

60  Not at all for the faint-of-heart.

61  This reporter. Who says that? "This reporter shall henceforth refer to himself as 'this reporter.' "

62  Or who uses "henceforth" ever? Or "hence" for that matter?

63  Heck, this reporter doesn't even use "thus."

64  Moving On, Part Four: I went home yesterday because midway through writing this nonsense I knew I was headed for some dicey grammar situations. I have a couple of excellent Warriner's grammar books at home, the ones that they used when grammar was taught the way it isn't now.

65  Right before I left, I attempted to get a free read on Grammarly. I now have an annoying red dot appearing at the bottom of each page. It has a white number in the middle of it. Every time I touch ANYTHING on the keyboard it buffers.

66  I'm not sure if I have to pay for it or not. I checked my bank and had a couple of things pending. 

67  We'll see. I'm not a fan of Grammarly. I once tested it with wrong words and dilberate mispelings.

68  Okay, okay, it caught BOTH of those. Make a liar of me,
Grammarly.

69  ANYWAYZZZZZ... 

hashgtagthereisnozinthewordanywayinfactthereisnosinthewordanyway.

70  Let us shorten this. I got home, opened my front door, and for the second time in two days I got scared by a Christmas item. 

71  THIS guy was sitting on my living room couch. I thought it was an intruder. I experienced out-of-body fright.

72  Turns out he was a Christmas present I bought for myself! I forgot he was there, and the rest is history. Caitlin and Josh got one as a gift, and it is great for throwing babies on, or for personal snoozing, both of which are personal hobbies. 

73  So is knowing when to say, "Gottago."

74  Gottago.

75  Live life.

76  Love life.

77  Peace.

~H~

fin.