The Daily News

1  Quotes from Helene, Jeff and me, overheard by The Man:

2  Oh.

3   And "He who will not be named."

4

5   Yeesh.

6   Jeff read an English paper.

7   Get a helmet.

8    "Clearly the class' scholar!" quoth The Great One, my new nickname for Jeff.

9   He is now The Great One because he couldn't make head or tale out of what this kid was trying to say. Roll Over, Wayne Gretzky!

10  "Y'all have dogs," he said. "Y'all had dogs," he corrected. 

11  "You know how when a dog gets confused it turns its head all sorts of weird  angles?" sez he.

12  

13  "That's how I felt when I read that guy's paper."

14

15   Ya gotta love it.

16   Welcome to the wide, wonderful world of education.

17  He read a second one. 

18  I don't want to tell you what he said about the editing, except to say he felt the previous fellow should have moved up to candidacy for the Pulitzer.

19  Lord Jeff is beginning to teach perspectively.

20   

21     

22   The schools should let us have a "Friend of Teacher" workshop. Teachers should let their non-teaching friends assess and grade the students' writing.

23  

24   Nahyeahnah THAT ain't happenin.'

25   

26   Never. But if they DID, I would throw my full support behind The Great One. He is Truth. Preach. 

27   Moving On, Part One: Do you hate modern packaging as much as I?

28   Yesterday we found ourselves in a mad rush to get something printed when our printer ran out of ink.

29   Easy, right?

30

31   I had a double-HP black-cartridge set that I bought at Walgreens, the one with the nice lady who always says, "Hel-low, how uh yoooo, welcome to Walgreens" moving from high pitch to low, like a flowing waterfall.

32

33   I'm all about lousy metaphors AND wordiness. 

34   AnywayZ

35   The double-HP black-cartridge set was impenetrable to terrorist groups who might rip it open and threaten people with black ink. 

36   Impenetrable. 

37   Unfortunately, it is also impenetrable for a guy who is in a hurry and just wants his ink changed fast. 

38

39   A few weeks ago I hurried the same exact process at school and almost lost two limbs because of that hard, impenetrable plastic stuff that could cut Superman's thumb and forefinger.

40  This time around I got some Cutco scissors. These things can cut a Stegosaurus in half at one snip. 

41  I knew that the box/product ration on this fellow was around sixty to one.

42  I bit in and almost broke my fingers trying to get the teeth to bite. 

44   It felt like I was at Wrestlemania with Bat Boy. 

45   I did learn my lesson: take it slow, cut safely and viola! This tiny product came right out. 

46   It was a one-inch square with a little "L" on the end that you clicked into the printer. 

47  The package proper consisted of around 500 pounds of stiff, hardened cardboard. 

48   If that wasn't enough, once it clicked in it wanted me to print an alignment sheet and THEN scan it. 

49   Somewhere out there there's not a guy who could pre-align these things?

50   Anyway, by the time we were done opening, battling, and aligning the thing, we forgot what it was we were supposed to scan. 

51   Modern packaging > senility. Anyway, gottago. 

52   Keep 'Murica safe, and thank you HP, you are patriots of the highest order.

53   Sorry this was late, 'Murica.

54   I know the wait was worth it.

55   Pour a bev and enjoy you some sports.

56   See you again.

57   Peace.

~H~