1 In the midst of all the madness that was last week I had a Tortoise/Hare experience on the way to work the other day.
2 We've all had 'em, but this one began in my own neighborhood and turned into almost a fight to the death, a Warner Brothers' cartoon starring me as the Tortoise and this guy who clearly was miscast as the Hare.
3 Allow me to describe this fellow: First, he weighed close to 275 lbs, not exactly Bugs Bunny. Second, he was on some sort of 2013 red and black state-of-the art motorcycle, fancy schmantcy stuff.
4 Third, he wore a motorcycle outfit that must have come WITH the motorcycle: some futuristic lines that bounced with his bulges, Rollerball gloves that moved up and down his arms, and stretch pants that lifted his butt to extreme whiteness each time he would bend over to grab the handlebars, which were low riders, or, as I prefer to call them, "drawer droppers." This design is not for the faint of heart. The secret recipe? Fifty pounds of sugar in a five-pound bag.
5 The guy first caught my attention when he pulled an unnecessary lane-split at a red light. He boomed through all the cars in front of and next to me in order to beat the rest of us to the freeway. When he got caught at the light, he revved his engine like he was King Moto Farouk.
The original King Farouk, circa 1948.
6 When I taught my daughter Nicole how to drive, I would always point out the idiots who would pull that sort of thing. I would glance at her, then silently acknowledge the idiot, and then I would remark, "Where ya goin'?" "WHERE ya goin'? See you at the light."
7 It was particularly funny in thick traffic. I would watch some moron weaving in and out of lanes, usually without signalling, only to pull up right behind him when he would inevitably hit a stoplight. And then I would say in a low voice, "Where ya goin'? WHERE ya goin'? See you at the light." The moron would never notice. He would simply remain stupid beyond words.
8 Sometimes I would pull along side them just so that I could goof on what a moron actually looks like. I would point them out to Nicole. Here is a virtual glance at what I should think would be some warning signs:
A cleverly conterfeit King Farouk. Don't be fooled. This
fellow is an imposter AND an idiot. The resemblance
is striking.
9 They would seldom disappoint.
10 Anyway, when that particular moron from the other day first bought his bike, I imagine his self-image shot up the charts. He thought he looked like this:
12 And so it goes. Hot coffee and oatmeal right through the eyes and nose. All apologies. Imagine how I felt.
13 I had to follow that all the way down the Capitol Expressway, and THEN up Quimby Road for at least a mile. You just have to put up with it for the morning. All apologies.
14 I kept seeing the guy around ten or fifteen feet in front of me, weaving in and out of lanes, riding between cars, and sitting at stop lights obnoxiously revving up whatever engine he had. That was REV-ving.
15 I did lose him for around four seconds at Carl's Jr.'s. I was pretty sure he had turned off for a morning Happy Star, but it turned out I was wrong: after all that weaving and revving, the guy turned off on some unknown street, never to be seen again. I rode right past, and in my own mind, had beaten the Hare by simply staying in the same lane and moving with the flow.
16 The entire thing was a comedy. The guy's uptightness provided great sport for me, I must confess.
17 He went to great lengths to dress up for his Rollerball Mardi Gras. I pictured him home earlier choosing his wardrobe for the day.
18 I don't want to think of how he squeezed into that suit, but I wouldn't have wanted to be the walls of his house when he squeezed out of it.
19 Just another day moseying around the Streets of San Jo.
20 Moving on, Part One: Anybody lookin'?
21 I spent the entire weekend at my Dad's. All day Saturday I had internet issues. At first I thought they were all my own idiocy, but I am coming to realize that LOTS of people are having issues with staying online, or keeping screen sizes normal, or putting up with computer idiocy.
22 I'll look into it, but more and more I find myself writing about how torturous things like Windows 8 are, and agonizing about how massively ridiculous the changes in technology are becoming.
23 It almost takes three to four hours to write, edit, import, and publish all the stuff for the DN. This used to take maybe two to three hours. O', the humanity!
24 The trouble is that I have to learn new things, and even then, the new things suddenly jump bigger, shrink smaller, or disappear altogether. Sound familiar?
25 I always battled Xanga, but Xanga always played fair. I got to know how to fool Xanga, the same way you get to know how to fool your copy machine at work. Pretend you do things. Pretend you cleared all the paper jams. That sort of thing. But it was always a gentle fight, with either Xanga or the copy machine stepping aside when I needed it. Not so in 2013.
26 If this were a fight, all the technology I have been fighting for the past several months would be biting, scratching,pulling hair, and fighting dirty.
27 Keeping the Daily News ongoing and high quality gets more difficult by the day.
28 Fortunately, I can adapt, but I'm not gonna lie; it is REALLY beginning to try my patience. I USUALLY lie, but I'm not EVEN gonna lie today. Here is an example of the kinds of thing that keep happening:
29 Last night, Blogspot kept switching font sizes, blocking pictures, and allowing full-screen pop-ups, sometimes all at the same time! I felt like Goofy in heavy traffic.
30 After importing pictures all day with the same Blogspot, I was suddenly instructed to sign in so that I could import the pictures, even though I had been doing it all day with no trouble.
31 Oh, bother.
32 As of 11 p.m. last night I STILL had to wrestle with all of these fussy things. How can I make my toes purty with all of this stuff interrupting? <sniff, sniff, boo-hoo, boo-hoo>
33 Ah, I guess I could write a lot of it off as a difficult day and night online. Or perhaps nightmare online.
34 My fear is that the DN is becoming a job rather than a lark all of which goes against everything I hold dear.
35 Or something.
36 Fear not; I'll keep getting her done.
37 I do believe I had better pull out of this one while I still have a sense of sanity and decorum.
38 Because after a really long weekend, I'd as soon throw the computer against the wall.
39 No fear. It's borrowed. I try to be extra careful with things that belong to other people. My own brand-new laptop can't seem to get online any longer. Toshiba. Garbage. Don't buy.
40 Anybody want to buy a used paper weight for four hundred dollars?
41 Ah, meh.
42 Moving On, Part Two: My Niners looked good last night. It was a great game for an exhibition. I still think B.J. Daniels moves the ball better than any other backup so far, and produces WAY better than McCoy. It's not rocket science. Watch the film. He heads forward. McCoy heads sideways.
43 I like a lot of what I see with the Niners, so I won't question too much just yet.
44 The verdict is out, but I do like football, and especially enjoyed watching part of the game with my Dad.
45 I had so much more to say, but time and technology cut me short last night. I need a blood draw this morning and have to get up to the school with a lesson plan for my first class, which I will miss.
46 The leg is looking better, but the foot might not if I happen to punt a laptop 55 yards.
47 Gottago. I'll drive safely.
48 I don't ever wanna be that guy.
49 I'll see you again.
50 I promise.
51 Have a GREAT day.
52 Fly low.
53 Peace.
~H~
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