The Once-in-a-While 

Daily News

1  Whew. Incoming. Run for cover. 

2  That's how I felt all Saturday afternoon.

3  I knew going down to the Bay Area was going to be fun, and we had a LOT of great moments with Jack "Mr. Moo" Seymour. He's a sweet little guy, and he loves to hug and hug. 

4  I split my time enjoying this Li'l Prince, and trying to put songs together for the "riff" challenge I talked of last week. 

5  Challenge indeed. 

6  First off, I realized quite early that my nerves could no longer take filming myself, performing live, nor doing any sort of performing. 

7  Those Who Can't. 

8  I have absolutely NO idea as to how I EVER got on stage and sang, ever.

9  I used to just hop up and do it. I'd practice 15 to 20 songs, get a basic idea of when to look at the neck of the guitar, and some idea of lyrics, and when to breathe. 

10  Hell, nowadays I have to pinch myself in the booty to remember to breathe. 

11

12  Breathe...

13  I decided that I wanted to feature my very first good guitar, a now beat-up old fella that I refer to lovingly as Scratch, a Yamaha FG-200. I was at University in Chico, California. And yes, everything they say about the place is true. Scout's honor. 

14  It must have been a bazillion years ago that I walked into a local guitar store in downtown Chico, looked around, and found Scratch. I sat down, strummed some jazz chord, and got knocked out by the booming tone coming out of this mildly expensive guitar. 

15  Some stoned hippy-dude came up to me and asked me if I liked the sound. I got guitar-hustler vibes, even though he was a classic mellow fellow. I think the guy was high, because he spoke in diphthongs. 

16  A stoned mellow fellow in Chico who speaks in diphthongs?

17

18  Well...yes. There are lots. 

19  AnywayZ...

20  #hashtagthereisnozorsinthewordanyway

21  ANYWAYZ...

22  "Sehew. Do you like the sehound?" he said. 

23  "Yeah...uh yeah, a whole bunch." I said. 

24  "Would you like to buy it?"

25  The broke college guy in me stepped up. "Oh...nah, nah, that's okay..." I said. 

26  As I recall, it was around $300 at the time, reasonably high for a guitar in those days. . 

27  "I couldn't afford this; I'm a student and..."

28  "You could have this for $10 a month 'til it's paid ahoff," he said. 

29  "Really? Do I have to give you a down payment or anything?"

30  "Just ten bucks, and it's yours," he said. 

31  You know that rush that happens to you when you realize something completely out of your budget could still be attained?

32

33         

example.

34  Yeah, that. 

35  For the riff challenge, I decided to clean old Scratch up, re-string, and bring him back up to, well, scratch.

36  <basketball buzzer>

37  I had done well, taking off a few strings, cleaning everything up using furniture spray <WARNING: DO NOT USE FURNITURE SPRAY ON ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. EVER>

38  So I sprayed a generic form of Lemon Pledge onto Scratch. He enjoyed it, and it renewed him. I thought I was home free.

39  And then I got to the G-String. 

40

41   Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The third string on a guitar is the G-String. It has to be called the G-String because it is, well, a G. 

42  I am also a G.

43  NVM. 

44  Here is a picture of a G-string:

45

46 AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! QUICKOHNVM...

47  FTR, that is not a guitar G-string. 

48  And this is all supposed to be G-rated. 

49  But I digress.

50  Now the G tuning peg is held onto the guitar by a screw that cannot be held between the fingers of any human being walking the planet. 

51  You're still staring up at that G-string, aren't you, you naughty boy. 

52  AnywayZ...

53  That little screw popped out of the tuning peg and fell down the side of the sofa chair in Nicoley's living room. 

54  I looked on the chair, but knew the little evasive thing  found that slot between the arm and the cushion, and hid itself among spiky nails facing up. Chairs do that. Be forewarned. 

55  I slid my hand down, and one of those spiky nails punctured my finger, and I when I pulled it out, the blood gushed. I wrapped it in paper towels, and then realized my Band Aids were in the trunk of my Altima. The car was parked up the street, but when I got there I realized I had forgotten the car key. 

56  EVENTUALLY all that stuff righted itself; the Band Aid stopped the bleeding, but I had to run to The Starving Musician to get a screw that no human hand could hold for more than a few seconds. 

57  Like most guitar-shop dudes, this guy was young and mellow, and happy to take an hour helping find just the right screw for the job. I didn't think to bring Scratch, because he looked like a dog with a banged-up ear. The tuning peg was hanging by one small screw, and this huge string was dangling from it. I told the guy I woulda brought the guitar in, but it was sort of embarrassing. 

58  He understood. It's a guitar-dude thing. 

I did bring in my current Yamaha, Annabel, very much designed the same as Scratch. I left him to take the peg off. I thought, "Get a new strap!" My old guitar strap kept falling off, and my guitar would hit the ground. So I found a jet black strap, and brought it back to the counter. Guitar hippy dude delicately found five tiny screws of various sizes, just in case. We agreed on which ones, and he came up with the amazingly low price of 87 cents, the lowest-priced thing I have ever purchased, in my life. I looked back up at the guy and there was a halo right over the top of his head. That's what lack of sleep can do for you. 

59  I paid my 87 cents, and went back to Nicoley's. I told them the story, but Li'l Jack was holding court. Cuteness always rules the day at moments like these. I couldn't wait to strap on Scratch and see how he'd sound. I finished with the stringing and the tuning and Scratch was ready to go!

60  The tuning pegs sort of bumped into each other there around the G-area, but other than that, Scratch sounded as good as ever, except for one note on the high E string. "Ah, I'll never need that note," I said to no one in particular. I also knew that every single song that has a note in that area was going to get a clank. You know this. 

61  I realized then that I had forgotten to buy the strap. I was so overjoyed at the 87 cents that it didn't dawn on me that I had forgotten to buy the guitar strap. That was fine; I could just sit on the sofa chair and play. I thought I'd try Scarborough Fair, because I've always been pretty good at picking that one. 

62  <basketball buzzer>

63  Scarborough Fair requires use of the right ring finger. The right ring finger had a huge Band Aid on it, muffling the picking AND leaving sticky stuff on the generically Lemon-Pledged Scratch...

64  Saturday was just Day 6 of the "riff" challenge. I managed to slipslide my way through Paul Simon's Me and Julio Down by the School Yard, and afterwards, I slid across the floor and crashed into a fence. 

65  Metaphorically speaking. 

66  I'm not sure if I have nailed a day in the life of a working musician, but I'll bet I've come close. I'm just not used to setting up in all sorts of different places and trying to get a nice sound, nice lighting, non-raspy voice from lack of sleep, and all that comes with it. 

67  I have an alternate soul that I talk to every now and again. His name is Cabal. He's sort of my very own Mr. Natural. I asked him what it all means.

68  The wraithy dude said this: "It's called 'gigging.' " 

69  I gottago. Thanks for the challenge, men. I don't remember when I've ever been more nervous, but it was a lot of fun listening to how good you have all become. As for me, just four words: Those Who Can't. 

70  See you again.

71  Live life.

72  Love life.

73  Peace. 

~H~

fin.