The DN

1  One thing I love about Sannozay is that you can drive here as fast as you want, and there are absolutely NO driving rules!

2   It's like Disney's California Adventure ride Cars, only you can jump right in front of people and almost kill them!

3   Not only that, you don't have to stop at lights, even if they're red!

4   Last night on my way home, I was at the 680 split when a guy jumped right in front of me so he could get to the 680/San Jose split. It happened right where the arrow points down at the split. It was AWESOME!!! He was going about 80 mph! Guy's my hero!

5   The best part was it came as a complete surprise to me. One second I see road, the next I see his car door, and the next he is in the far left lane heading off to scare someone else. Or kill them. What a guy!

6  AND he was talented enough to do that and kill nobody AND he survived!

7   You gotta come down here and do the Story Road Shuffle; it's a gas!

8  It goes like this: right around Story Road, you need to merge over to the left if you're going through to the Berryessa area. There's actually plenty of time, but once you pass Story Road, all the other cars start jumping lanes on BOTH sides, right in front of you. Hundreds of 'em, like jumping locusts. It's a gas!

9   They don't signal, making the Story Road Shuffle that much more enjoyable!

10  I don't know how they designed those cars to come as close to each other as they do, but that some dayum good Imagineers. 

11  Every once in a while we get a small ten-car crash going on, but that's what makes the Story Road Shuffle so unique: you actually COULD get killed, every single day!

12  EVERYBODY should move to Sannozay just to test his or her hand/eye/brain skills. 

13  Mine are razor sharp, for an old geezer. 

14  I know that people like me too, because they always honk at me. I wave, because I think they're amazingly cool.

15   What?

16   They say that about most towns?

17   <disappointment of a lost love>

18   Thought I was onto something. 

19   I guess the Story Road Shuffle will have to wait. 

20   The idea died.

21    So it goes. 

22    So we'll keep this short.

23    Gottago.

24    Live life.

25    Love life.

26    Peace.

~H~

The DN

1   Each year I do a three-day tribute to 9/11. I tell the students about it and show an award-winning documentary. I'm having two students who experienced it talk to my last class of the day. One remembers vividly looking out the window of his apartment and watching. Another relates the story of his grandmother leaving New York, and seeing one of the buildings go down in her rear-view mirror. 

2  On 9/8/02 I processed the entire day, week, or however it lasted. It turned into this piece, which I read to my students each year. It is a bit dated, but still honest. Here it is:

     9-11: A Tribute...

  I recall this summer bicycling to an ice-cream parlor at Camp Richardson, in Lake Tahoe. The sun filtered through the pines; people on bicycles pedaled by at a slow summer pace; over at a picnic table, a little girl giggled to her family, "Got any gwapes?" and in the distance, if you were really listening, a cool mountain wind blew through a canyon.

This is America. I am the son of a family of Irish and Italian immigrants.  I often heard Italian being spoken by the older folks at family gatherings. Once, while vacationing in Reno, My Uncle Louie, (whom I knew to be a card-carrying member of the Mafia--at least in my young mind!), taught me how to do the illusion of the disappearing finger, and I giggled when the top part of his index finger seemed to disappear.  He took a sip of Chianti, leaned toward me, and magically made his finger whole again. And then he laughed at my confusion, and at my subsequent delight.

  This is America. This is the America I have always known.

  I am that Yankee Doodle Boy, I imagine.

 I love my country. I love the  purple mountains'  majesty; I love the smiles on the faces of children, and the wisdom and worry etched on the faces of old people.

  I love kites. 

 I often criticize my country. I don't like it at all when they lie, and when they rattle sabres that might result in children fighting wars. I dislike the racism, and the fears of the homeless. Those things I don't like, not one bit.

Still, I stare in silence at the wonderful flag; the flag that symbolizes hope, and freedom, and a better world, beginning with our brave forefathers, men of impeccable vision, men who hammered out some of the greatest documents in human history.

  "Got any gwapes?"

  I love the streets of Harlem, the thump-thump of a basketball on the concrete schoolyard courts. I love the jazz of New Orleans, and the ballpark smells of onions and waffle cones on Coney Island. 

 I loved the Twin Towers. I don't want to remember that day, not at all. It was, perhaps, the saddest day in our brief history.

 I cried for the families, for the brave people of New York, and for what someone had done to my home, to my country, to my people.  I reflect this week in silent mourning, and in remembrance of the families and friends of those who lost their lives on that unspeakable morning. I look up sadly at the flag, knowing that nothing shall ever be the same.

 This week let us remember; let us pray for peace; let us vow never to give up our civil liberties just because some shallow politicians wish to take advantage of our united grief. Let us cry, but let us walk on bravely. We may not be a perfect nation, but we do have the respect of the world, the shining dream of freedom that the great Statue in New York harbor throws across this great land.

 This is, after all,  America.

 This is, after all, the America I have always known.

 I am, after all, that Yankee Doodle Boy.

  Peace.

bh/9/8/02

  

2  Gottago.

3  Peace.

~H~

 

The DN

Fred MacMurray.

1  "Do you want Microsoft to remember this password?"

2   I THINK it was Microsoft. 

3   They had a pop-up that said, "Nope."

4   Best.Pop-up.Ever.

5   William Strunk just ran out of the room. 

6   One.Word.Messages. 

7   Strunk didn't like them.

8   Since Nicole's wedding, I'm seeing that Professor Strunk was somewhat a stodgy old fool. 

9   Somewhat. That's an adverb, don't you know. 

10  Who would? 

11  Why, we Lords of the Language certainly would. Most certainly. 

12  Lords of the Language.

13  Translation for the slow of study: English majors and English teachers. 

14   Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE English majors and English teachers.

15   They just seem clueless that there are people out there who couldn't care less about proper English. 

16   Okay you stodgy (there's that word again!) old fellow/madam. Here is an "ahem" for you. 

17  

18   Silent but deadly.

19   Anyone lookin'?

20   I want my students to take Cornell notes for the film I'm showing today. 

21   I wanted them to use Cornell note taking techniques. 

22   For the layperson, Cornell note taking techniques are a simple means of writing notes. Teachers love them because they can use that as an assignment any time they show a movie. 

23  Don't get me wrong. 

24  Showing movies is definitely educational, especially when you show an amazing movie that YOU know is deep and meaningful. 

25  

26   I went online so that I could download an easily understood tutorial on how to take Cornell notes. 

27

29  I thought it would be cake.

30  <basketball buzzer>

31  The only mini-lessons they had featured Cornell notes for SCIENCE. 

32  <horrors>

33  They had this chick who looked like Flo the Progressive girl before she became a brick shithouse, and to be honest?

34   I lost interest in a millisec.

35   She was young, beautiful, and WAY excited to show us all how we could become the Masters of the Universe, but to this LOL <see item 12>, she lost me.

36   Science? Ya KIDDIN' me?

37   Well yeah.

38   For the record, the older I get, the more I LOVES me some science.

39  But watching that video put me in a coma. 

40  We're talking a deep sleep, beginning with a lovely yawn and ending with an abrupt snort.

41  She was WAY too excited about something for which I had no interest. Absolutely none.

42   Anybody lookin'?

43   I rethank all I ever knew about education, and presentations, and hyper lessons, and blah, blah, blah.

44  Because the bottom line: some people will never open up to things they've not yet understood nor bought into, and you will lose them.

45   You just will. 

46   BAM. 

47  And here I am, painting what looks to me like a Matisse.

48  Here's what it looks like to the average Joe:

49

50   

51  I have become Fred MacMurray  in The Absent-Minded Professor. 

52   I get crazy about grammar, writing, and knowledge, knowing I am in some way taking a tiny portion of civilization, as the great Alvin Toffler once put it, "...from barbarism to civilization." I go in excited about whatever I teach each day, knowing that my students shall soar into this new and exciting realm with me. 

53  I allow them to use cell phones to take pictures of the three whiteboards I use to make this all happen.

54  I picture myself looking crazily at chemical tubes with white steam, bubbling and boiling all around my lab. I get before my students and truly believe they ride on every word. Fortunately I have a practical side.

55   Every once in a while I stop and see that they are pretty much interested in gossiping, talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, social media and general gossip. They are all ears and braces. Reality sets in, and I usually stop and relax it all. 

56   I was going to show Cornell Notes Girl to them today, but backed off. She was a bit too excited about larvae, and I found myself yawning, even though the piece is around five minutes. 

57   To me, she looked like a lunatic. I'm sure glad I don't look like that.

58

59   I gottago. Have a GREAT day.

60   See you again.

61   Peace. 

~H~

a.k.a Professor Brainard

(according to Wiki, "pronounced

BRAY-nerd.")

Good ol' Wiki.

The DN

WHEN TEACHERS BECOME ZOMBIES...

1  So I get to school yesterday all prepared, vocab packets, plans for the week, and enough knowledge to bore the entire city of New York. 

2   The best laid plans, they say...

3   Got in, ready to test the video and a booming speaker, not for today, but for LATER this week.

4   That's how together I had it. 

5   I worked at it all weekend. Last year they gave brand new LCD projectors that are bright, along with Apple Mac Pros as an enormous upgrade. It's almost frightening to get a bunch of new technical stuff. You have to learn how to USE them all, but I knew at some point I had to get it all going. 

6  I ignored people while I plotted and planned through the weekend. I graded papers, planned and planned like a madman. 

7   Heck, I looked at my stuff and worked so hard all weekend that I KNEW I had the next two weeks corralled. I was on top of it. I tested and re-tested the equipment just to be sure I could do it smoothly. 

8   Yesterday I Iugged eight bazillion tons of handouts, graded papers, videos, speakers, projectors and two organic bananas down to the school. This was stuff I could only have dreamed of a few years ago, all tested and ready to launch. 

9   I was so excited that I had this stuff.

10  It felt awesome knowing I was two days ahead for the first time in my career.

11  I looked at my notes on my iPhone. Papers. Check. Handouts. Check. Vocab Lists. Check. Video equipment. Check. 

12  Cheshire smile. 

13  My plan was to start slowly, normal lessons and all, and then break out the big stuff on Wednesday.

14  Not today, mind you.

15  Have I mentioned that?

16  I climbed into my room with so many weapons of divine instruction that I looked and felt like a madman.

17  I knew I had the next month planned out and ready.

18  My test mission at home became a full-screened surround sound work of art. I knew it could only improve in the arena of a large classroom.  

19  I couldn' WAIT to unpack my stuff and get it all set up for a soulful look at 'Murica, only through a digital glass, darkly. I knew I had everything covered, and I was pretty cocky about it. Not gonna lie. 

20  That was your first mistake...
                                           --that miscreant Macartney
21   Oh, bother.
                                           --that miscreant Pooh
22   

23  M'bad.

24  I know what you're wondering.

25  What's the punch?

26  

27   Why, there is none.

28   This is how it went down. 

29   OH. 

30    Did I neglect to inform you that many others of us felt equally confident? The entire staff in my building has fed off each other's energy all year, so it isn't just me. We have all been honeymooning this new school year. It's been flawless. Not gonna lie. 

31

32   So there we all were, tanned, rested and ready when a garbled voice had something to tell us. I didn't hear it because I was in the parking lot, game face on. I boldly lugged everything into my room and began. 

33  Once I was set up, I turned the power on my laptops to set up attendance, grades, and all sorts of other mundane chores.

34  

35   No internet.

36

37

38   Uhhhm...no Internet? Like, with a capital "I"?

39   Things turned invisible. 

40   Many teachers froze in their tracks. 

41   MANY teachers began morphing into this:

42  The meaning of life.

43   That last mug, btw, looks deliciously like me. 

44   We're all mad, I tellya. 

45   Teachers began threatening the world. 

46    Some began picking and pulling on the toes and cheeks of others. 

47    I personally grabbed all my stuff and shot out the door like the madman I had become. 

48   We became the walking dead. 

49   I regained my senses. Most of it wore off as the day wore on. 

50   But life without the Internet. 

51   We've all become WAY too dependent. 

52    After crawling through the day without a net, I set up the video stuff. 

53

54   I could get none of it working. It would have been a disaster. 

55   I put it all back in my car, stopped at a pie shop for a slice of humility, and trudged home. 

56   I got it working last night, but I am a lot more humble now. 

57   We all are. That comes naturally after you spent much of the night gnawing on your own flesh. 

58   Gottago. Tempus fugit. 

59   I talk in tongues. 

60   Peace.

~H~

The DN

1  Fastest weekend in history.

2  Just was.

3   I did get to spend Saturday enjoying the Mountain View Art and Wine Festival with my girls.

4   Nice cool weather and street artists everywhere.

5   I stood far from the needy tentacles of the school.

6   I loved every second of it. Great fun and good exercise, I imagine.

7   Plus we wound up dining at the one-of-a-kind Frankie, Johnny and Luigi Too. 

8   Food, wine, laughter and good times.

9   I knew this would be a quick weekend, but it didn't seem quick. 

10  The school sort of laid back on things and the students didn't seem to need too much attention.

11  It's not always like that, but everything settled in. 

12  So yeah.

13  Anyone lookin'?

14  Moving On, Part One: I try not to relax too much during the school year or I know for certain that I will get hit by a metaphorical tsunami. 

15  That wound up happening anyway, but after a few weeks in I'm used to it. 

16  So far <knock on wood> I love my classes and am working hard to deliver the goods for them. 

17  Teaching keeps me young. I know darned well that I have times when I feel I have youthened.

18  Like when I touch up my grey with potato skin water. 

19  It WORKS.

20  

21   Uh. NAH, I never REALLY did that.

22  I truly youthened, much like Merlin of Olde.

23   I wasn't sure that I could get away with spelling "old" "olde" but you must admit I had you, at least for a millisecond. 

24   You put an "e" at the end of a word like "old" and it instantly has dust and history.

25   Tricks of the trade. 

26   Loves me some youthening.

27   I always loved that Merlin youthened. 

28   It's funny. There's a side of me that would LOVE to youthen, and another side that laughs and says, "Oh HAIIIIIILLLLLL no!"

29   Young people have fun and all, but they also have the ridiculous burden of trying to figure everything out. 

30  Old people worry, but have finally figured most things out, including the meaning of life.

31   Which is, if you ask anyone, 42.

32   Google it; I'm old and haven't the time to explain. 

33   <hint> It has nothing to do with any famous Dodgers.

34   If the meaning of life was remotely related to anything Dodgers I should be forced to jump off the hood of a Buick.

35   And not one of those stodgy new Buicks. 

36   A Buick. For goodness sakes, do I have to draw you a picture?

37   

38




29

30   

31   Anyone lookin'?

32   Yeesh.

33   We're straying.

34    What better way to spend a Monday?

35   Your job on Mondays is to fly low.

36    I've stressed this for years. 

37   It's Tuesday you need to worry about. 

38   Anyone can do a Monday.

39   You just need to hide and fly.

40   And always.

41   Fly low. 

42   Anyone lookin'?

43   Y'all jivin'.

44   It's a living.

45   Anybody lookin'?

46   I'm outta here.

47   Have a GREAT day. And watch Tuesday like a hawk.

48   Just some wise advise from a guy who claims he is youthening. 

49   Stay safe. 

50   See you again.

51   Gottago.

52   Peace.

~H~